Trump To Be Indicted For Removing Mattress Tag In 1997

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Trump To Be Indicted For Removing Mattress Tag In 1997

Published: Monday, April 3rd, 2023 @ 11:42 pm
By: Babylon Bee ( More Entries )

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    NEW YORK, NY     District Attorney Alvin Bragg is reportedly set to indict Trump this coming Tuesday for the removal of a mattress tag back in 1997. According to sources, new evidence was discovered in the mattress tag cold case by grizzled Detective Harry Jakes, who utilized modern advances in forensic science to place former president Donald Trump at the scene of the crime.

    "We got him dead to rights," said Bragg in an unnecessary press conference. "No one removes a mattress tag in my city and gets away with it!"

    The mattress tag in question belonged to a Spring Air Conforma Foam mattress from '97, which historians claim featured a warning label advising mattress tags to not be removed:

    Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law Except by the Consumer

    In a surprise move, Trump has not denied the troubling accusation, though he maintains doing so was not illegal. "The tag says 'except by consumer.' I am a huge consumer. Probably the greatest consumer ever, and I had every right to remove that tag. The deep state is trying to dig up anything they can just to keep me from reclaiming the presidential throne."

    "Witch hunt!"

    Independent fact checkers have rated Trump's claim "a bald-faced lie," citing the fact that the president does not sit on a throne. Also, he is Trump and that is bad. The fact-check article does not make mention of the mattress tag issue directly, but does note, "[Trump] broke both federal and international laws probably."

    A United Nations committee has been assembled to investigate whether the matter qualifies as a war crime.

    "This is an open and shut case. Now he'll never be president. I did it!" Bragg claimed before quickly correcting himself. "I mean, no one is above the law."

    At publishing time, Trump's approval polling surged among mattress consumers who have long been befuddled by the mattress tag warning.

poll#157

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Comments

Rino Hunter said:

( April 6th, 2023 @ 6:16 am )

Her claims bombed out in federal civil court, and now she owes Trump over $600,000 for her frivolous lawsuit. At least in federal civil court, one can get a fair trial.

The case that needs to be pursued is Joe Biden's digital rape (i.e. with his finger) of his Senate staffer Tara Reade, and whether taxpayer's money was paid out as hush money to her. That was non-consentual, and Biden should have gone to prison for it. You or I would have if we had done that.

Big Bob said:

( April 5th, 2023 @ 6:00 pm )

Guys, by his own admission trump is no saint. My advice is to go with "he did it, so what? Its hard to grab them by the genitals one day, then claim you dont know her the next. I'm not buying it.

John Steed said:

( April 5th, 2023 @ 3:29 pm )

Stormy Daniels claims something happened which Donald Trump says did not. This was thinly veiled extortion by Daniels over this false claim. She has been outted as a liar in civil court and ordered to pay Donald Trump $600,000.

Now what is more interesting is Joe Biden's rape of his sraffer Tara Reade. A "digital penetration" (by a finger) counts as forcible rape under criminal law. There is a slush fund in Congress to pay off the sexual assault victims of Congressmen and Senators with taxpayer money. When Reade came forward the question was asked if she received hush money from this fund, and the answer to that question was stonewalled. It is now more important than ever to get an answer.

Big Bob said:

( April 5th, 2023 @ 1:01 pm )

You know, there is no law or rule that says, if convicted, trump cant be president. Honestly I think banging the porn star is going to help him. If Mellonhead is Ok with it, much like HC, its none of my business. Will he win? Hard to say, but he was never a sure thing. I don't think he will lose one vote over this.

Phyllis Wilkinson said:

( April 4th, 2023 @ 9:05 pm )

The Indictment is a Shame and should never have happened. It is just a political move to stop trump from being president.

What about Hillary and Joe Bidden and Obama?

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