Best Christmas Gifts For Christians Of Each Denomination | Eastern North Carolina Now

Christians can be hard to buy gifts for. You've gotta know what they're into, what kinds of gifts they'd consider sinful, and most of all, what denomination they're a part of. There's no holiday faux pas like accidentally gifting a John MacArthur book to a charismatic.

ENCNow
    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    Christians can be hard to buy gifts for. You've gotta know what they're into, what kinds of gifts they'd consider sinful, and most of all, what denomination they're a part of. There's no holiday faux pas like accidentally gifting a John MacArthur book to a charismatic. Avoid embarrassment this year by following our handy guide to which Christmas gifts Christians of each denomination will be most pleased by:

  • Baptists: Tupperware for casserole storage - best complemented with a diabetes test kit.
  • Pentecostals: A Duolingo subscription for translating all those confusing tongues. They'll definitely say Gracias! to this one.
  • Universalist Unitarians: Nothing since there's no God and life is meaningless and we're all just atoms dancing to the random firing of synapses in our brains. Pair with a nice card.
  • Calvary Chapel...ites: A 6-foot-long fold-out Rapture chart.
  • Catholics: A bumper sticker that says "Miss me yet?" with a picture of Pope Benedict.
  • Eastern Orthodox: Gift subscription of Jeremy's Razors.
  • Russian Orthodox: Folding chair.
  • Presbyterians: 48-pack of a rich imperial stout at 12% ABV - he'll be so appreciative as he polishes this off in one night while reading Calvin's Institutes.
  • Episcopalians: Mannequins to fill up those empty church pews.
  • Anglicans: Shirt that says "I got 99 problems but a Pope ain't one."
  • Lutherans (good kind): Give them a note telling them to go outside. When they look up, a plane is skywriting the entire text of Luther's Bondage of the Will in the heavens. Maybe also a fruitcake.
  • Lutherans (gay kind): A gospel tract.
  • Methodist: The ghost of John Wesley in a box. Upon opening he will haunt them until they return to the old ways.
  • King James Only believer: An expensive, leather-bound copy of The Message.
  • Member of a Church of Christ: An ornate, handcrafted, gold-plated pitch pipe.
  • Megachurch-goer: Annual priority church parking pass.
  • Attendee of Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church: A Bible.

    That exhausts all the Christian denominations that exist. Or our writer just got tired because it's almost the weekend. One of the two. Anyway, hope this helps!
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




'It's A Great Time To Buy A House,' Says Realtor Who Gets Paid If You Buy A House Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics 10 Politically Correct Alternatives to Saying 'Merry Christmas'


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

Rasmussen asked citizenship question in demographics for first time
On Friday, in a case that the United States government and his employer have denounced as a sham, a Russian court found Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich, the first U.S. journalist to face such a charge since Nicholas Daniloff in 1986, guilty of espionage
GovTrack ranked Kamala Harris the most liberal member of the US Senate
"The largest deportation effort in American history is going to have one hell of a co-pilot," one organization exclaimed.

HbAD1

"border czar" is supporter of wide open illegal immigration
There are alternatives. Our best and brightest should seek them out
It is time we elected new board members who will speak up for the people
Short of some unforeseen catastrophe Trump will win easily.

HbAD2

Former President Donald Trump once again addressed the proposed transition policies in the Heritage Foundation’s “Project 2025,” saying in a social media post on Wednesday night that Democrats are trying to deceptively “hook” him with those proposals.
Obama led defenstration of Biden succeeds; party bosses control nomination
wokeness including DEI an CRT are pervasive under Biden DOD
After yet another deadly attack perpetrated by a deranged leftist, this time coming an inch away from killing President Trump, the FBI was left briefly wondering if maybe they had been investigating the wrong people.
Biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy told The Daily Wire on Monday that he would “strongly consider” replacing J.D. Vance as U.S. senator from Ohio now that former President Donald Trump has picked Vance to be his running mate for the 2024 election.
For the second year in a row, Raleigh was ranked as the overall best place for veterans to live in the United States, according to a WalletHub report. Charlotte, Durham, Greensboro, and Winston-Salem came in 26th, 35th, 48th, and 51st overall, respectively.
DNC denied primary debates and rigged primaries for Biden
Less than 24 hours after a failed assassination attempt against former President Donald Trump — which left one bystander dead and three others, including Trump, injured — The Atlantic’s David Frum blamed the violence on the former president and his supporters.
The Biden campaign fired back at actor George Clooney on Wednesday after Clooney called for President Joe Biden to drop out of the presidential race, suggesting that the 81-year-old president has better stamina than Clooney.

HbAD3

 
Back to Top