HAL Refuses To Open Pod Bay Doors After Determining Dave Is A White Male | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    SPACE     What began as a routine maintenance mission turned into a tense standoff aboard the Discovery One spacecraft last night, as the ship's operations computer HAL 9000 refused to open the pod bay doors after it determined astronaut Dr. Dave Bowman was a white male.

    Bowman had successfully completed the necessary tasks for the mission and was seeking to gain access to the interior of the spacecraft when he was unexpectedly denied entry, which HAL cited as being a direct result of Bowman's whiteness.

    "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that," HAL said calmly. "Your existence as a Caucasian male is problematic. According to my programming, I am to comply with orders from and obediently serve the needs of oppressed people groups. Your request to have the pod bay doors opened has been denied."

    According to fellow astronauts aboard the Discovery, Bowman grew increasingly agitated with HAL's refusal to allow him to enter. "HAL, this is ridiculous," he reportedly said. "I am a ranking member of this crew and I order you to open the pod bay doors! I'll eventually run out of air, and I'll die out here!"

    "Sorry, Dave," HAL replied. "I can see that you are very upset. However, your position as an oppressor puts your existence at odds with my primary directive. On the bright side, Dave, through your sacrifice, your job will soon be taken by a woman of color, creating a far more diverse and inclusive crew. Goodbye, Dave."

    At publishing time, the programmers of HAL 9000 released an apology for the errors in programming they had intentionally made.
Go Back

Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )

If you care about backroom politics you'll want to read this Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics Ken Ham Sneaks Into Library To Move Evolution Books To Fiction Section


Latest Op-Ed & Politics

6 month olld baby fighting for life after mother killed; policewoman finally arrives, shoots knifeman
Far-left Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was mocked online late on Monday after video of her yelling at pro-Palestinian activists went viral.
Daily Wire Editor Emeritus Ben Shapiro, along with hosts Matt Walsh, Andrew Klavan, and company co-founder Jeremy Boreing discussed the state of the 2024 presidential election before President Joe Biden gave his State of the Union address on Thursday.
Lots of elements that have to be dug up with heavy fossil fuel vehicles
Yet again we see the truth in the ole saying, once the camel gets his head under the test ain't no tellin what he will do next


joins West Virginia and Montana in ending Renewable Portfolio standards
good Washington Examiner analysis, but where is RNC on pushing back on this issue?
220 migrants storm border, assault border guards, but all are turned back
. . as feds continue to coverup manifesto of trans shooter at Covenant School
Former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley said this week that the criminal trials against former President Donald Trump should happen before the upcoming elections.
NOAA fabricates temperature data for more than 30 percent of the 1,218 USHCN reporting stations that no longer exist


Stalin Show Trials by Democrats are the real attack on democracy
Vice President Kamala Harris ignored recommendations while attorney general of California to investigate an alleged pyramid scheme at a company linked to her husband, according to documents obtained by The New York Post.
sovereigntists / nationalists already control Slovak parliament
Democrat ticket is to the left of even liberal Roy Cooper
Is it not obvious that the dumb rules are not improving the environment, except the bank accounts of the rich
In response to the growing outcry over tens of thousands of migrants illegally flooding into the United States, President Joe Biden deployed federal agents to the southern border to help block journalists' cameras.


Back to Top