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Babylon Bee's Entries

As evidence of bribery and corruption by the Biden family continues to mount, Democrat lawmakers in the nation's capital have expressed heavy skepticism
As evidence of bribery and corruption by the Biden family continues to mount, Democrat lawmakers in the nation's capital have expressed heavy skepticism
 
In a massive escalation, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has set up incredibly angry Thwomp Traps at the U.S.-Mexico border to deter illegal immigrants.
In a massive escalation, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has set up incredibly angry Thwomp Traps at the U.S.-Mexico border to deter illegal immigrants.
 
In a press conference today, Attorney General Merrick Garland announced he will be appointing a new special counsel, David C. Weiss, to investigate the Bidens and then cover up all their crimes.
In a press conference today, Attorney General Merrick Garland announced he will be appointing a new special counsel, David C. Weiss, to investigate the Bidens and then cover up all their crimes.
 
With the writers' strike entering its fourth month, workers associated with late-night comedy shows are falling on hard times - even the incredibly popular dancing vaccines from The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
With the writers' strike entering its fourth month, workers associated with late-night comedy shows are falling on hard times - even the incredibly popular dancing vaccines from The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
 
WINNEMUCCA, NV — The Jorgensen family's home lies in a sea of residences, each more vulnerable than the last, ignorant of the numerous daily threats that seek nothing more than to infiltrate the innocent abode and cause a plethora of unspeakable harms upon them.
WINNEMUCCA, NV — The Jorgensen family's home lies in a sea of residences, each more vulnerable than the last, ignorant of the numerous daily threats that seek nothing more than to infiltrate the innocent abode and cause a plethora of unspeakable harms upon them.
 
The infamous Epstein client list will reportedly be posted on the Threads app today, where no human being will ever see its contents.
The infamous Epstein client list will reportedly be posted on the Threads app today, where no human being will ever see its contents.
 
The Hollywood strike has entered a new level of viciousness, with Disney writers now threatening to write another Obi-Wan series if their demands are not met.
The Hollywood strike has entered a new level of viciousness, with Disney writers now threatening to write another Obi-Wan series if their demands are not met.
 
Members of the United States Congress have formally rebuked House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and Rep. Matt Gaetz for what they are calling "unnecessary infighting" that they claim is distracting from the important work of giving themselves raises.
Members of the United States Congress have formally rebuked House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and Rep. Matt Gaetz for what they are calling "unnecessary infighting" that they claim is distracting from the important work of giving themselves raises.
 
To help emergency responders deal with a recent surge in crime, Mayor Shen Thao has asked Oakland residents to use air horns to help announce when they've been stabbed or shot.
To help emergency responders deal with a recent surge in crime, Mayor Shen Thao has asked Oakland residents to use air horns to help announce when they've been stabbed or shot.
 
In a bold statement of strength and resolve, President Joe Biden vowed to keep up the war effort against Russia as long as any Ukrainian man, woman, or child was left drawing breath to fight.
In a bold statement of strength and resolve, President Joe Biden vowed to keep up the war effort against Russia as long as any Ukrainian man, woman, or child was left drawing breath to fight.
 
Wayne Brady, the beloved comedian who performed on Whose Line Is It Anyway?, hosted Let's Make A Deal, and voiced Noah's son in the direct-to-video film Veggie Tales: Noah's Ark, has come out to friends and family as needing more attention.
Wayne Brady, the beloved comedian who performed on Whose Line Is It Anyway?, hosted Let's Make A Deal, and voiced Noah's son in the direct-to-video film Veggie Tales: Noah's Ark, has come out to friends and family as needing more attention.
 
The burgeoning food and grocery delivery market is setting its sights on a lucrative niche as DoorDash has announced its new pickle jar-opening service for single women.
The burgeoning food and grocery delivery market is setting its sights on a lucrative niche as DoorDash has announced its new pickle jar-opening service for single women.
 
Controversial former U.S. women's soccer player Megan Rapinoe was not unemployed for long, as the Galactic Empire reportedly recruited the recently retired athlete to train its stormtroopers to shoot.
Controversial former U.S. women's soccer player Megan Rapinoe was not unemployed for long, as the Galactic Empire reportedly recruited the recently retired athlete to train its stormtroopers to shoot.
 
The public school system is a minefield for kids these days. While most public schoolteachers are verified, card-carrying leftist indoctrinators, there are a few remaining evangelical Christian operating in the shadows.
The public school system is a minefield for kids these days. While most public schoolteachers are verified, card-carrying leftist indoctrinators, there are a few remaining evangelical Christian operating in the shadows.
 
Mayor Brandon Johnson advised Chicago reporters to stop using the word "Chicago" when describing anything that happens in Chicago because of all the negative connotations associated with Chicago.
Mayor Brandon Johnson advised Chicago reporters to stop using the word "Chicago" when describing anything that happens in Chicago because of all the negative connotations associated with Chicago.
 
Cable network The Weather Channel excitedly welcomed President Joe Biden on the air for a live interview after hearing about how much he loves to discuss the weather.
Cable network The Weather Channel excitedly welcomed President Joe Biden on the air for a live interview after hearing about how much he loves to discuss the weather.
 
Senate Democrats have recruited a professional puppeteer to assist 90-year-old Dianne Feinstein by moving her dead limbs and speaking for her whenever needed, according to sources. Feinstein is now expected to retain her senate seat forever.
Senate Democrats have recruited a professional puppeteer to assist 90-year-old Dianne Feinstein by moving her dead limbs and speaking for her whenever needed, according to sources. Feinstein is now expected to retain her senate seat forever.
 
After discovering that vacating Congressional positions is an actual option, Americans have overwhelmingly voted to vacate all 535 seats of Congress.
After discovering that vacating Congressional positions is an actual option, Americans have overwhelmingly voted to vacate all 535 seats of Congress.
 
The most advanced Artificial Intelligence on the planet was declared an illiterate moron Monday after viewing CNN for just three hours, say sources.
The most advanced Artificial Intelligence on the planet was declared an illiterate moron Monday after viewing CNN for just three hours, say sources.
 
A celebrity was recently praised by conservatives for a handful of seconds for bravely criticizing woke idealogues just moments before groveling in apologetic humility at their feet.
A celebrity was recently praised by conservatives for a handful of seconds for bravely criticizing woke idealogues just moments before groveling in apologetic humility at their feet.
 
The Republican National Committee has been hard at work seeking a possible replacement for Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, sending teams of volunteers to the nation's beaches in search of a viable candidate.
The Republican National Committee has been hard at work seeking a possible replacement for Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, sending teams of volunteers to the nation's beaches in search of a viable candidate.
 
Former President Trump is facing yet another indictment, this time for mocking U.S. Women's soccer after their embarrassing loss to Sweden over the weekend.
Former President Trump is facing yet another indictment, this time for mocking U.S. Women's soccer after their embarrassing loss to Sweden over the weekend.
 
WORLD — A newly released report has revealed that people are following their hearts at record levels, with remarkably disastrous results.
WORLD — A newly released report has revealed that people are following their hearts at record levels, with remarkably disastrous results.
 
In an extraordinary display of efficiency and ruthlessness, the FBI's crack tactical team descended upon a sleepy suburban neighborhood after receiving reports of an active incandescent light bulb.
In an extraordinary display of efficiency and ruthlessness, the FBI's crack tactical team descended upon a sleepy suburban neighborhood after receiving reports of an active incandescent light bulb.
 
After years of being totally obscured by Lizzo's shadow, her backup dancers have finally had enough.
After years of being totally obscured by Lizzo's shadow, her backup dancers have finally had enough.
 
Residents of a small Texas border town have expressed their sympathy for New York City as it buckles under the weight of a few thousand migrants.
Residents of a small Texas border town have expressed their sympathy for New York City as it buckles under the weight of a few thousand migrants.
 
A.I.-generated supermodels are turning heads and garnering millions of followers with their slim, lithe, fake bodies showing off fake bikinis and elegant, non-existent gowns.
A.I.-generated supermodels are turning heads and garnering millions of followers with their slim, lithe, fake bodies showing off fake bikinis and elegant, non-existent gowns.
 
The United States Congress has passed a trillion-dollar stopgap bill that will allow the federal government to continue functioning until about 2 p.m. tomorrow.
The United States Congress has passed a trillion-dollar stopgap bill that will allow the federal government to continue functioning until about 2 p.m. tomorrow.
 
Trump appeared in court yesterday after Special Council Jack Smith charged him with the high crime of questioning his election results while not being a Democrat.
Trump appeared in court yesterday after Special Council Jack Smith charged him with the high crime of questioning his election results while not being a Democrat.
 
The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced today it has arrested the Air Force One stairs and charged them with a plot to assassinate the president.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced today it has arrested the Air Force One stairs and charged them with a plot to assassinate the president.
 
Minutes after the Stephenson family had returned from a weeklong beach vacation filled with swimming, lounging, eating, and playing, Max, the youngest in the family, told his parents, "We never do anything fun," sources say.
Minutes after the Stephenson family had returned from a weeklong beach vacation filled with swimming, lounging, eating, and playing, Max, the youngest in the family, told his parents, "We never do anything fun," sources say.
 
In a press briefing this morning, the White House praised the overwhelming success of "Bidenomics," as the average American now has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago.
In a press briefing this morning, the White House praised the overwhelming success of "Bidenomics," as the average American now has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago.
 
As news reports regarding plus-sized rapper/actress/flutist Lizzo's alleged outrageous acts that resulted in her being sued by former backup dancers, the Library of Congress discretely made the decision to thoroughly clean President James Madison's crystal flute
As news reports regarding plus-sized rapper/actress/flutist Lizzo's alleged outrageous acts that resulted in her being sued by former backup dancers, the Library of Congress discretely made the decision to thoroughly clean President James Madison's crystal flute
 
SINAI — As they wandered the wilderness, the Israelites brought complaints to Moses about their lack of food, water, and the guy who kept saying, "At least we're getting our steps in!"
SINAI — As they wandered the wilderness, the Israelites brought complaints to Moses about their lack of food, water, and the guy who kept saying, "At least we're getting our steps in!"
 
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