Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.
Enjoy eating food? Like having a healthy family? Then you'd better drop all your money into gold right now!
Still not convinced? Check out these amazing benefits:
1) As far as we know, the Federal Reserve hasn't figured out how to print gold yet: Which means they won't be able to crater its value.
2) It's shiny: And yellow-ish!
3) You'll be able to get James Bond's autograph before you cut him in half with a laser: Make sure to get his autograph before attempting to kill him.
4) When it's time to withdraw your retirement, the bank will put it in a complimentary pirate's chest: Neat!
5) You can use the word "doubloons"
, which is an awesome word: You'll be the envy of all your friends.
6) Impress your date after an expensive dinner when you drop a gold brick on the table and say "I think that should cover it"
: Nice power move.
7) Can melt down and mold into an image of a calf to worship: You'll be the coolest guy at your impromptu wilderness party.
8) Forge a ring into which you pour your cruelty, malice, and will to dominate all life: With enough effort, you can turn into a giant flaming eyeball.
9) Can bury it in the backyard then forget where you buried it and on your deathbed whisper "there's a gold bar somewhere in the backyard"
and make your kids regret selling your house and moving you into a nursing home: Classic!
10) Ron Paul said so: He's been right about so many things. It'd be a mistake to ignore him now.