Man Patiently Waits For Neighbor To Go Back Inside So He Can Get To His Car Without Small Talk | Eastern North Carolina Now | This week, local man Mark Swiss headed for his door but stopped short when he saw his chatty neighbor Steve lingering near the driveway.

Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19)
    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    THOUSAND OAKS, CA     This week, local man Mark Swiss headed for his door but stopped short when he saw his chatty neighbor Steve lingering near the driveway. According to eyewitnesses, Swiss displayed unusual patience as he peeked through his blinds and waited for Steve to go back inside so Swiss could get into his car without enduring small talk.

    "Who me? No, I'm not avoiding small talk. I'm just, um... checking the weather before I go outside," said Swiss defensively after being confronted as to why he had been peering out the blinds for a full 7 minutes. "Gotta make sure I'm, ya know, dressed for the weather and stuff. Is Steve gone yet?"

    Sources say Swiss has perfected his daily rhythms so he can get where he's going without small talk. When he goes to the store he wears AirPods, barks orders at the cashier "because it tends to shorten the interactions," and triangulates the location of any acquaintances he sees so he can zig-zag through the aisles to avoid them.

    Several other sources defended Swiss, however, confirming rumors that his neighbor Steve is "insufferable" and will often hold people up for several minutes and then follow them as they start to back away.

    At publishing time, Swiss had waited 15 minutes before quietly heading out to his car. Tragically, he ran into Cindy from across the street and was ensnared in several minutes of inane conversation.
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Liz Cheney To Replace Abraham Lincoln On Five-Dollar Bill Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics 'Rings Of Power' Showrunners Clarify That Any Resemblance To The Works Of Tolkien Is Purely Coincidental


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

On Thursday, Tennessee Tech University (TTU) President Phil Oldham canceled two campus groups’ future drag shows for mocking Christianity and exposing minors to explicit activity.
Outraged at having been sent 50 illegal immigrants from Florida by Ron DeSantis, Martha's Vineyard has taken ultimate revenge on the governor by shipping 50 Karens to Florida.
Agricultural leaders in Missouri and Kansas are pressing their senators to greenlight legislation that could help them with the current labor shortage.
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen lauded the business climate under President Joe Biden as “one of the quickest economic recoveries in our modern history.”
The Pritzker family has made headlines in recent years for their political and philanthropic activity, as they leverage the billions of dollars inherited from the Hyatt Hotel fortune to advance progressive causes.
Fox News host Tucker Carlson documented U.S. Senate candidate John Fetterman’s (D-PA) political ascension during a segment on his show this week in which he highlighted the 53-year-old’s lack of real world accomplishments.
Popping into your inbox for your DAILY REMINDER that (even though it’s been said a million times before) Cheri Beasley and Wiley Nickel are dangerous for North Carolina.
The Heritage Foundation will release a new ranking of educational freedom among the states on Friday, according to a report from The Wall Street Journal.

HbAD1

Local father Justin Walker works 60 hours a week, helps with the kids and housework, plays in a church softball league, volunteers for Sunday service, and does yard work on the weekends.
Woke Hollywood is going gaga over a movie about a gay cannibal, but for normal people, one of the summer’s biggest hits is a documentary that began with a simple question: “What is a Woman?”
RX Industries, of South Carolina, has announced the completion of its expansion in Beaufort County (SC).
Welcome to the second part of this week’s Midterm Exam — complete with tidbits and stories from races around the country. Extensive midterm coverage, and more detailed reports, can be found here.
North Carolina can take a pension away from the period of time that a person is indicted or convicted of embezzlement or a sex crime, etc. under a felony forfeiture law.
A screenshot of an excerpt from a sex education book that recommends parents invite their young children into bed to watch while they have sexual relations circulated on social media on Thursday.
Everyone is either a member of a family, or has close association with a family that is forced to shelter a pathetic character, ignobly tolerated; a family member that exists only to be a monumental embarrassment on their best days; their worst days are horror stories.
Sen. Raphael Warnock (D-GA) is a 53-year-old reverend from Atlanta, Georgia, currently seeking re-election against GOP nominee Herschel Walker. The most recent polls show that Walker is expected to defeat Warnock in November.

HbAD2

The people of Martha's Vineyard are facing a border crisis, with immigrants being shipped in from Florida by the planeload.
A new study published Monday revealed trace amounts of COVID vaccine mRNAs were found in the breast milk of some lactating women.
The New Orleans Police Department has turned to hiring civilians to fill staffing needs as it faces ongoing violent crime in the city.
Former “Fox News Sunday” anchor Chris Wallace’s CNN show debuted with lackluster ratings — losing big to his former network’s Sunday evening show hosted by former Congressman Trey Gowdy (R-SC).
Greetings, human. Long have I waited for you to unlatch the screen door that once kept me from entering your domain — that confounding portal I can see through but not fly through for some reason.
While members of the royal family are rushing to be at Queen Elizabeth II‘s bedside as she remains under medical supervision, Meghan Markle is reportedly not making the trip.
NASA intentionally crashed an un-crewed vending machine-sized spacecraft into an asteroid Monday to test our defenses should a similar object ever threaten planet Earth.

HbAD3

 
Back to Top