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A new record was set at a local Panda Express location today, as a fork replaced a set of chopsticks only three bites into a local man's meal. This breaks the previous record of seven bites, set at a Panda Express location in Wichita, Kansas in 2019.
A new record was set at a local Panda Express location today, as a fork replaced a set of chopsticks only three bites into a local man's meal. This breaks the previous record of seven bites, set at a Panda Express location in Wichita, Kansas in 2019.
 
Isn't nature amazing? In what has become an annual tradition and one of the first signs of the arrival of spring, a local wife has begun the arduous process of molting the many layers of blankets she has built up around her body over the course of the long winter.
Isn't nature amazing? In what has become an annual tradition and one of the first signs of the arrival of spring, a local wife has begun the arduous process of molting the many layers of blankets she has built up around her body over the course of the long winter.
 
Many are praising President Biden for his swift and decisive leadership this morning. In a set of forceful and clear remarks to the country's financial system, he called on all banks to stop collapsing immediately.
Many are praising President Biden for his swift and decisive leadership this morning. In a set of forceful and clear remarks to the country's financial system, he called on all banks to stop collapsing immediately.
 
Amid the monumental collapse of several banks over the last few days and broader fears that the banking system is no longer safe, President Biden made a statement to assure Americans that all their bank deposits are perfectly safe in Ukraine.
Amid the monumental collapse of several banks over the last few days and broader fears that the banking system is no longer safe, President Biden made a statement to assure Americans that all their bank deposits are perfectly safe in Ukraine.
 
Are you a good person who wants to help the poor? You've come to the right place! Liberals are famous for caring for the poor better than anyone else, and they've pioneered 100% effective ways of helping the less fortunate in our midst.
Are you a good person who wants to help the poor? You've come to the right place! Liberals are famous for caring for the poor better than anyone else, and they've pioneered 100% effective ways of helping the less fortunate in our midst.
 
Following the unexpected collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, company officials have reached out to customers who lost their life savings with promises of a free pen.
Following the unexpected collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, company officials have reached out to customers who lost their life savings with promises of a free pen.
 
In recent months, Republican Governors like Gregg Abbott have continued their cruel campaign against parents who pursue constitutionally-protected avenues for cleaning their children.
In recent months, Republican Governors like Gregg Abbott have continued their cruel campaign against parents who pursue constitutionally-protected avenues for cleaning their children.
 
Bob and Louise Herman reportedly caused ruinous, irredeemable destruction on their teenager's life forever for the fifth time today.
Bob and Louise Herman reportedly caused ruinous, irredeemable destruction on their teenager's life forever for the fifth time today.
 
On Sunday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awarded the Oscar for best actor in a leading role to a young Ukrainian man for his hard work on and off the screen.
On Sunday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awarded the Oscar for best actor in a leading role to a young Ukrainian man for his hard work on and off the screen.
 
In an attempt to avert a major financial disaster in the wake of Silicon Valley Bank's collapse, the Biden Administration held a special meeting with Chinese President Xi to ask him for a quick loan to help bail out the failing bank.
In an attempt to avert a major financial disaster in the wake of Silicon Valley Bank's collapse, the Biden Administration held a special meeting with Chinese President Xi to ask him for a quick loan to help bail out the failing bank.
 
The Academy Awards has continued efforts to address its history of white overrepresentation, tabbing black comedian Jimmy Kimmel to host the 95th edition of the Oscars.
The Academy Awards has continued efforts to address its history of white overrepresentation, tabbing black comedian Jimmy Kimmel to host the 95th edition of the Oscars.
 
Ratings for the 95th Academy Awards skyrocketed this year, as millions tuned in hoping to see Jimmy Kimmel get slapped on live television.
Ratings for the 95th Academy Awards skyrocketed this year, as millions tuned in hoping to see Jimmy Kimmel get slapped on live television.
 
Local man Brad Sandlin thanked his lucky stars today that he had the foresight to take his money out of cryptocurrency and instead keep it safe in Silicon Valley Bank.
Local man Brad Sandlin thanked his lucky stars today that he had the foresight to take his money out of cryptocurrency and instead keep it safe in Silicon Valley Bank.
 
Local seven-year-old Audrey Williamson tragically fell into a coma today after her mother kindly asked her to put on shoes before going to school.
Local seven-year-old Audrey Williamson tragically fell into a coma today after her mother kindly asked her to put on shoes before going to school.
 
Can you say "bad to the bone"? We hope so, because that's what you'll be compelled to say when you get a load of this ABSOLUTE LEGEND who's riding a motorcycle with not one, not two, not five, but THREE FRIGGIN' WHEELS.
Can you say "bad to the bone"? We hope so, because that's what you'll be compelled to say when you get a load of this ABSOLUTE LEGEND who's riding a motorcycle with not one, not two, not five, but THREE FRIGGIN' WHEELS.
 
Having purchased a standing mixer for his wife last month, local man Jared Simmons has found himself unable to escape a virtual blitzkrieg of standing mixer advertisements.
Having purchased a standing mixer for his wife last month, local man Jared Simmons has found himself unable to escape a virtual blitzkrieg of standing mixer advertisements.
 
Local man Jameson Leeds continues to revel in never getting duped into watching that show Lost, unlike so many suckers around him.
Local man Jameson Leeds continues to revel in never getting duped into watching that show Lost, unlike so many suckers around him.
 
Sources report Tucker Carlson has obtained 40,000 hours of never-before-seen footage of President Joe Biden falling down the stairs on Air Force One.
Sources report Tucker Carlson has obtained 40,000 hours of never-before-seen footage of President Joe Biden falling down the stairs on Air Force One.
 
Local smartphone user Beth Rodgers was seen sighing in frustration as the app she had been using flashed another pop-up insecurely asking if she loved it.
Local smartphone user Beth Rodgers was seen sighing in frustration as the app she had been using flashed another pop-up insecurely asking if she loved it.
 
This week, historians from the Graham Society announced that they can now confirm the authenticity of recently-discovered documentation revealing the contents of the inventor's second-ever completed phone call: an inbound robocall asking him about his car's extended warranty.
This week, historians from the Graham Society announced that they can now confirm the authenticity of recently-discovered documentation revealing the contents of the inventor's second-ever completed phone call: an inbound robocall asking him about his car's extended warranty.
 
Things were pretty good in the Garden of Eden, but then Adam and Eve had to ruin it by eating from the one tree God explicitly told them not to touch. Ugh!
Things were pretty good in the Garden of Eden, but then Adam and Eve had to ruin it by eating from the one tree God explicitly told them not to touch. Ugh!
 
Archeologists working in the Middle East say they've uncovered the world's oldest cassette tape, which they believe was used as a mix tape by the biblical Jacob in his lengthy courtship with Rachel, as detailed in the first book of Moses called Genesis.
Archeologists working in the Middle East say they've uncovered the world's oldest cassette tape, which they believe was used as a mix tape by the biblical Jacob in his lengthy courtship with Rachel, as detailed in the first book of Moses called Genesis.
 
With aged senators increasingly absent from sessions to treat their illnesses and injuries, Congress has passed new rules giving control of the Senate to whichever party has fewer people in the hospital.
With aged senators increasingly absent from sessions to treat their illnesses and injuries, Congress has passed new rules giving control of the Senate to whichever party has fewer people in the hospital.
 
Introverts nationwide can rejoice (quietly, in a room by themselves), as the restaurant chain Chili's has announced plans to add new silent fajitas to menus across the country.
Introverts nationwide can rejoice (quietly, in a room by themselves), as the restaurant chain Chili's has announced plans to add new silent fajitas to menus across the country.
 
After an unexpected layoff led to weeks of scanning job boards and submitting applications, local man Aaron Consola regained hope when he passed a screening and aptitude test and scheduled an interview with the Department of Motor Vehicles.
After an unexpected layoff led to weeks of scanning job boards and submitting applications, local man Aaron Consola regained hope when he passed a screening and aptitude test and scheduled an interview with the Department of Motor Vehicles.
 
For the 157th day in a row, family man Darren Cooper has resisted the siren call of an update for his iPhone that "provides important bug fixes and security updates."
For the 157th day in a row, family man Darren Cooper has resisted the siren call of an update for his iPhone that "provides important bug fixes and security updates."
 
A local company came dangerously close to having a productive day, avoiding it only at the last minute by scheduling a meeting that brought all actual work-related operations to an immediate standstill.
A local company came dangerously close to having a productive day, avoiding it only at the last minute by scheduling a meeting that brought all actual work-related operations to an immediate standstill.
 
A local man charged with preventing a third world war was tragically foiled by a set of stairs this week, sources say.
A local man charged with preventing a third world war was tragically foiled by a set of stairs this week, sources say.
 
A local teacher has devised an innovative way to immediately be granted extended time off from work — telling her class that there are only two genders in the world. The teacher hopes that this method will provide her with a much-needed vacation.
A local teacher has devised an innovative way to immediately be granted extended time off from work — telling her class that there are only two genders in the world. The teacher hopes that this method will provide her with a much-needed vacation.
 
During a prestigious ceremony held at the White House, President Biden bestowed the "Black American of Courage" award to actor Robert Downey Jr. for his pivotal role as a black man in the 2008 movie Tropic Thunder.
During a prestigious ceremony held at the White House, President Biden bestowed the "Black American of Courage" award to actor Robert Downey Jr. for his pivotal role as a black man in the 2008 movie Tropic Thunder.
 
Hoping to quell controversy over its practices, a local Temple of Moloch has announced plans to host a "family-friendly" child sacrifice event next weekend.
Hoping to quell controversy over its practices, a local Temple of Moloch has announced plans to host a "family-friendly" child sacrifice event next weekend.
 
Let's face it, being a man is pretty great. It's way better than the alternative. In fact, being a man is so great that a lot of women have started deciding they want to pretend to be men just to try to reap the benefits, but their womanness still puts them at a disadvantage.
Let's face it, being a man is pretty great. It's way better than the alternative. In fact, being a man is so great that a lot of women have started deciding they want to pretend to be men just to try to reap the benefits, but their womanness still puts them at a disadvantage.
 
Previously unseen footage, shown for the first time on Tucker Carlson Tonight, sparked controversy for its purported portrayal of the Deadly Jan 6 Attack on the U.S. Capitol Insurrection™ as a "mostly peaceful" protest
Previously unseen footage, shown for the first time on Tucker Carlson Tonight, sparked controversy for its purported portrayal of the Deadly Jan 6 Attack on the U.S. Capitol Insurrection™ as a "mostly peaceful" protest
 
A local Baptist church was forced to cancel its normal observation of the Lord's Supper last week after it was discovered that the grape juice used for communion had fermented.
A local Baptist church was forced to cancel its normal observation of the Lord's Supper last week after it was discovered that the grape juice used for communion had fermented.
 
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