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A new record was set at a local Panda Express location today, as a fork replaced a set of chopsticks only three bites into a local man's meal. This breaks the previous record of seven bites, set at a Panda Express location in Wichita, Kansas in 2019.
Published: Tuesday, March 21st, 2023 @ 7:45 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Isn't nature amazing? In what has become an annual tradition and one of the first signs of the arrival of spring, a local wife has begun the arduous process of molting the many layers of blankets she has built up around her body over the course of the long winter.
Published: Tuesday, March 21st, 2023 @ 1:18 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Many are praising President Biden for his swift and decisive leadership this morning. In a set of forceful and clear remarks to the country's financial system, he called on all banks to stop collapsing immediately.
Published: Monday, March 20th, 2023 @ 11:54 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Amid the monumental collapse of several banks over the last few days and broader fears that the banking system is no longer safe, President Biden made a statement to assure Americans that all their bank deposits are perfectly safe in Ukraine.
Published: Monday, March 20th, 2023 @ 11:07 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Are you a good person who wants to help the poor? You've come to the right place! Liberals are famous for caring for the poor better than anyone else, and they've pioneered 100% effective ways of helping the less fortunate in our midst.
Published: Monday, March 20th, 2023 @ 10:34 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Following the unexpected collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, company officials have reached out to customers who lost their life savings with promises of a free pen.
Published: Monday, March 20th, 2023 @ 12:04 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In recent months, Republican Governors like Gregg Abbott have continued their cruel campaign against parents who pursue constitutionally-protected avenues for cleaning their children.
Published: Monday, March 20th, 2023 @ 2:18 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Bob and Louise Herman reportedly caused ruinous, irredeemable destruction on their teenager's life forever for the fifth time today.
Published: Monday, March 20th, 2023 @ 2:00 am
By: Babylon Bee
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On Sunday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awarded the Oscar for best actor in a leading role to a young Ukrainian man for his hard work on and off the screen.
Published: Sunday, March 19th, 2023 @ 5:47 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In an attempt to avert a major financial disaster in the wake of Silicon Valley Bank's collapse, the Biden Administration held a special meeting with Chinese President Xi to ask him for a quick loan to help bail out the failing bank.
Published: Sunday, March 19th, 2023 @ 5:25 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The Academy Awards has continued efforts to address its history of white overrepresentation, tabbing black comedian Jimmy Kimmel to host the 95th edition of the Oscars.
Published: Sunday, March 19th, 2023 @ 3:57 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Ratings for the 95th Academy Awards skyrocketed this year, as millions tuned in hoping to see Jimmy Kimmel get slapped on live television.
Published: Sunday, March 19th, 2023 @ 3:39 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Local man Brad Sandlin thanked his lucky stars today that he had the foresight to take his money out of cryptocurrency and instead keep it safe in Silicon Valley Bank.
Published: Sunday, March 19th, 2023 @ 9:58 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local seven-year-old Audrey Williamson tragically fell into a coma today after her mother kindly asked her to put on shoes before going to school.
Published: Sunday, March 19th, 2023 @ 9:28 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Can you say "bad to the bone"? We hope so, because that's what you'll be compelled to say when you get a load of this ABSOLUTE LEGEND who's riding a motorcycle with not one, not two, not five, but THREE FRIGGIN' WHEELS.
Published: Sunday, March 19th, 2023 @ 4:58 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Having purchased a standing mixer for his wife last month, local man Jared Simmons has found himself unable to escape a virtual blitzkrieg of standing mixer advertisements.
Published: Saturday, March 18th, 2023 @ 5:14 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Local man Jameson Leeds continues to revel in never getting duped into watching that show Lost, unlike so many suckers around him.
Published: Saturday, March 18th, 2023 @ 1:21 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Sources report Tucker Carlson has obtained 40,000 hours of never-before-seen footage of President Joe Biden falling down the stairs on Air Force One.
Published: Saturday, March 18th, 2023 @ 12:34 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local smartphone user Beth Rodgers was seen sighing in frustration as the app she had been using flashed another pop-up insecurely asking if she loved it.
Published: Saturday, March 18th, 2023 @ 12:14 am
By: Babylon Bee
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This week, historians from the Graham Society announced that they can now confirm the authenticity of recently-discovered documentation revealing the contents of the inventor's second-ever completed phone call: an inbound robocall asking him about his car's extended warranty.
Published: Friday, March 17th, 2023 @ 11:43 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Things were pretty good in the Garden of Eden, but then Adam and Eve had to ruin it by eating from the one tree God explicitly told them not to touch. Ugh!
Published: Thursday, March 16th, 2023 @ 6:34 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Archeologists working in the Middle East say they've uncovered the world's oldest cassette tape, which they believe was used as a mix tape by the biblical Jacob in his lengthy courtship with Rachel, as detailed in the first book of Moses called Genesis.
Published: Thursday, March 16th, 2023 @ 11:51 am
By: Babylon Bee
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With aged senators increasingly absent from sessions to treat their illnesses and injuries, Congress has passed new rules giving control of the Senate to whichever party has fewer people in the hospital.
Published: Thursday, March 16th, 2023 @ 11:07 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Introverts nationwide can rejoice (quietly, in a room by themselves), as the restaurant chain Chili's has announced plans to add new silent fajitas to menus across the country.
Published: Thursday, March 16th, 2023 @ 9:29 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After an unexpected layoff led to weeks of scanning job boards and submitting applications, local man Aaron Consola regained hope when he passed a screening and aptitude test and scheduled an interview with the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Published: Thursday, March 16th, 2023 @ 1:42 am
By: Babylon Bee
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For the 157th day in a row, family man Darren Cooper has resisted the siren call of an update for his iPhone that "provides important bug fixes and security updates."
Published: Thursday, March 16th, 2023 @ 1:08 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A local company came dangerously close to having a productive day, avoiding it only at the last minute by scheduling a meeting that brought all actual work-related operations to an immediate standstill.
Published: Wednesday, March 15th, 2023 @ 10:34 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A local man charged with preventing a third world war was tragically foiled by a set of stairs this week, sources say.
Published: Wednesday, March 15th, 2023 @ 12:49 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A local teacher has devised an innovative way to immediately be granted extended time off from work — telling her class that there are only two genders in the world. The teacher hopes that this method will provide her with a much-needed vacation.
Published: Wednesday, March 15th, 2023 @ 11:58 am
By: Babylon Bee
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During a prestigious ceremony held at the White House, President Biden bestowed the "Black American of Courage" award to actor Robert Downey Jr. for his pivotal role as a black man in the 2008 movie Tropic Thunder.
Published: Wednesday, March 15th, 2023 @ 10:37 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Hoping to quell controversy over its practices, a local Temple of Moloch has announced plans to host a "family-friendly" child sacrifice event next weekend.
Published: Wednesday, March 15th, 2023 @ 12:27 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Let's face it, being a man is pretty great. It's way better than the alternative. In fact, being a man is so great that a lot of women have started deciding they want to pretend to be men just to try to reap the benefits, but their womanness still puts them at a disadvantage.
Published: Wednesday, March 15th, 2023 @ 12:00 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Previously unseen footage, shown for the first time on Tucker Carlson Tonight, sparked controversy for its purported portrayal of the Deadly Jan 6 Attack on the U.S. Capitol Insurrection™ as a "mostly peaceful" protest
Published: Tuesday, March 14th, 2023 @ 6:59 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A local Baptist church was forced to cancel its normal observation of the Lord's Supper last week after it was discovered that the grape juice used for communion had fermented.
Published: Monday, March 13th, 2023 @ 10:35 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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