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Babylon Bee's Entries

Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg has announced a brilliant new plan to get Trump elected President in 2024.
Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg has announced a brilliant new plan to get Trump elected President in 2024.
 
As tensions continue to rise amid negotiations for a new contract, Los Angeles Unified School District teachers threatened to return to their classrooms and resume teaching students if their demands are not met.
As tensions continue to rise amid negotiations for a new contract, Los Angeles Unified School District teachers threatened to return to their classrooms and resume teaching students if their demands are not met.
 
The world breathed a collective sigh of relief today as Chinese President Xi Jinping announced a historic peace agreement in the Russian-Ukrainian war in which Russia will stay in Ukraine permanently and China will also invade Taiwan.
The world breathed a collective sigh of relief today as Chinese President Xi Jinping announced a historic peace agreement in the Russian-Ukrainian war in which Russia will stay in Ukraine permanently and China will also invade Taiwan.
 
Oh no! Silicon Valley Bank imploded on itself, dealing a significant blow to our economy! If only those dumb rich people were smart enough to stop putting their money in a bank.
Oh no! Silicon Valley Bank imploded on itself, dealing a significant blow to our economy! If only those dumb rich people were smart enough to stop putting their money in a bank.
 
An extended court battle concluded this week when local content creator Jake Campbell's defense attorneys failed to convince judges to commute his sentence.
An extended court battle concluded this week when local content creator Jake Campbell's defense attorneys failed to convince judges to commute his sentence.
 
Shock rippled through the world of figure skating after the sport's highest-profile athlete issued a statement no one would have ever expected to hear in their lifetime.
Shock rippled through the world of figure skating after the sport's highest-profile athlete issued a statement no one would have ever expected to hear in their lifetime.
 
China's Xi Jinping and Russia's Vladimir Putin have held a summit in Moscow, but negotiations have slowed to a standstill.
China's Xi Jinping and Russia's Vladimir Putin have held a summit in Moscow, but negotiations have slowed to a standstill.
 
Democrat dreams of seeing President Donald Trump indicted and arrested this week were dealt a blow after Trump revealed he had preemptively pardoned himself prior to leaving office in January 2021.
Democrat dreams of seeing President Donald Trump indicted and arrested this week were dealt a blow after Trump revealed he had preemptively pardoned himself prior to leaving office in January 2021.
 
Local man Curt Stephens wished today there was anything in his life he got as excited about as his son when he sees a backhoe.
Local man Curt Stephens wished today there was anything in his life he got as excited about as his son when he sees a backhoe.
 
Man, so nice to get outside after a long day at work. Maybe I'll go grab a burger. Can't wait until — wait, what's that noise? It's coming from the sky. It's like a humming…a thumping. Is it an airplane? No, it's not an airplane. It's…NO WAY!
Man, so nice to get outside after a long day at work. Maybe I'll go grab a burger. Can't wait until — wait, what's that noise? It's coming from the sky. It's like a humming…a thumping. Is it an airplane? No, it's not an airplane. It's…NO WAY!
 
Scholars of the Hebrew Bible at Israel's Bar Ilan University have discovered new fine print in the Noahic Covenant.
 
In what has been hailed as a landmark day for Bible history buffs, archeologists have announced the discovery of the steel cage where Jacob wrestled with God, as chronicled in the book of Genesis.
In what has been hailed as a landmark day for Bible history buffs, archeologists have announced the discovery of the steel cage where Jacob wrestled with God, as chronicled in the book of Genesis.
 
Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, expressed great pride that he was able to bring Christianity to the Anglo-Saxons so their descendants could commemorate it each year
Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, expressed great pride that he was able to bring Christianity to the Anglo-Saxons so their descendants could commemorate it each year
 
Local leprechaun, pot o' gold enthusiast, and all-around jokester Leery O'Canahan had been excited for St. Patrick's Day for months. "It's like our Super Bowl," O'Canahan told reporters. "Without the weird halftime shows."
Local leprechaun, pot o' gold enthusiast, and all-around jokester Leery O'Canahan had been excited for St. Patrick's Day for months. "It's like our Super Bowl," O'Canahan told reporters. "Without the weird halftime shows."
 
Local man Edgar Ramirez had finally had enough of feeling terrible all the time from doing nothing but lying around all day or sitting on the computer - so he finally decided to take up running every day, so that he could feel a different kind of terrible all the time.
Local man Edgar Ramirez had finally had enough of feeling terrible all the time from doing nothing but lying around all day or sitting on the computer - so he finally decided to take up running every day, so that he could feel a different kind of terrible all the time.
 
History was made last night, as a human being laughed at The Late Show with Stephen Colbert for the first time since the show began its run in September 2018. To accomplish this feat, Colbert brought in a ringer — Vice President Kamala Harris.
History was made last night, as a human being laughed at The Late Show with Stephen Colbert for the first time since the show began its run in September 2018. To accomplish this feat, Colbert brought in a ringer — Vice President Kamala Harris.
 
The world-renowned Gringotts Bank has filed for bankruptcy and is closing its doors permanently
 
California residents reported growing concern over the fate of their state after a wide variety of animals were seen going in pairs toward a large wooden boat.
California residents reported growing concern over the fate of their state after a wide variety of animals were seen going in pairs toward a large wooden boat.
 
It's one of the hardest parts of running a church: trying to find a qualified youth pastor. Who wants the job, anyway, when it probably doesn't pay and doesn't even count as being a real pastor?
It's one of the hardest parts of running a church: trying to find a qualified youth pastor. Who wants the job, anyway, when it probably doesn't pay and doesn't even count as being a real pastor?
 
Multiple reports out of the U.S. Thursday indicated that Long John Silver's is still a thing. Experts confirmed their findings that the fast-food seafood restaurant, which is an actual thing, is in fact still in existence.
Multiple reports out of the U.S. Thursday indicated that Long John Silver's is still a thing. Experts confirmed their findings that the fast-food seafood restaurant, which is an actual thing, is in fact still in existence.
 
Well, the day has finally arrived: your cute little parasitical clump of cells has popped out of one of the birthing persons in your relationship, and it's now suddenly a real human being. But what gender is it? It's hard to say. It could even be - fingers crossed - trans!
Well, the day has finally arrived: your cute little parasitical clump of cells has popped out of one of the birthing persons in your relationship, and it's now suddenly a real human being. But what gender is it? It's hard to say. It could even be - fingers crossed - trans!
 
While at his first job interview with a prospective employer Thursday, local man Justin Rasberger was crestfallen to learn that "quoting Monty Python" does not count as relevant job experience, and in fact is not currently considered a "marketable skill" among employers.
While at his first job interview with a prospective employer Thursday, local man Justin Rasberger was crestfallen to learn that "quoting Monty Python" does not count as relevant job experience, and in fact is not currently considered a "marketable skill" among employers.
 
Many Americans are growing worried over the looming financial crisis as banks continue to close down due to lack of funds, a dilemma that kicked off over the weekend with a run on Silicon Valley Bank.
Many Americans are growing worried over the looming financial crisis as banks continue to close down due to lack of funds, a dilemma that kicked off over the weekend with a run on Silicon Valley Bank.
 
Executives at Silicon Valley Bank are reeling after learning one of the most brutal lessons in banking: if you invest your money irresponsibly, the government will just bail you out.
Executives at Silicon Valley Bank are reeling after learning one of the most brutal lessons in banking: if you invest your money irresponsibly, the government will just bail you out.
 
After banning the Russian Orthodox Church in the country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is now reportedly banning the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, which has approximately 10,000 parishes throughout the nation.
After banning the Russian Orthodox Church in the country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is now reportedly banning the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, which has approximately 10,000 parishes throughout the nation.
 
Hillary Clinton, who famously shattered the glass ceiling for all of womankind, took to Twitter Wednesday morning with a touching tweet for Fox News on-air personality Tucker Carlson in which she expressed her condolences for his upcoming suicide.
Hillary Clinton, who famously shattered the glass ceiling for all of womankind, took to Twitter Wednesday morning with a touching tweet for Fox News on-air personality Tucker Carlson in which she expressed her condolences for his upcoming suicide.
 
Beloved Football superstar Colin Kaepernick has announced he will be suing his white parents for the cruel act of adopting him into a white family without his consent. Kaepernick's legal team announced he is seeking $21 million in reparations from the couple.
Beloved Football superstar Colin Kaepernick has announced he will be suing his white parents for the cruel act of adopting him into a white family without his consent. Kaepernick's legal team announced he is seeking $21 million in reparations from the couple.
 
A local construction worker was relieved to hear that his money will be used to bail out failing banks used by billionaire elites, despite the fact that he is having a hard time paying his utility bills and putting food on his family's table.
A local construction worker was relieved to hear that his money will be used to bail out failing banks used by billionaire elites, despite the fact that he is having a hard time paying his utility bills and putting food on his family's table.
 
There are moments in history when our nation's elected leaders have had to truly prove their worth during trying times. Today, just such a moment occurred, when members of Congress somberly paused sending all of our tax dollars to Ukraine so they could send them to Silicon Valley
There are moments in history when our nation's elected leaders have had to truly prove their worth during trying times. Today, just such a moment occurred, when members of Congress somberly paused sending all of our tax dollars to Ukraine so they could send them to Silicon Valley
 
In honor of Women's History Month, a woman knelt down in front of a man to demonstrate subservience and submission. Witnesses described the historic event as "weird" and "an unusual way to promote the empowerment of women."
In honor of Women's History Month, a woman knelt down in front of a man to demonstrate subservience and submission. Witnesses described the historic event as "weird" and "an unusual way to promote the empowerment of women."
 
In some states, women enjoy full reproductive freedom and autonomy. Yay! Other states, however, are tyrannical Republican hellscapes where women are forced to carry babies to full-term — like literal chattel. But which of these do you live in?
In some states, women enjoy full reproductive freedom and autonomy. Yay! Other states, however, are tyrannical Republican hellscapes where women are forced to carry babies to full-term — like literal chattel. But which of these do you live in?
 
A local couple has discovered the perfect deterrent to help them handle rowdy children. The exasperated mother and father warned their overly rambunctious kids that if they didn't start behaving, they would take them to Applebee's for dinner.
A local couple has discovered the perfect deterrent to help them handle rowdy children. The exasperated mother and father warned their overly rambunctious kids that if they didn't start behaving, they would take them to Applebee's for dinner.
 
After spending billions to bail out Silicon Valley billionaire tech entrepreneurs, the Biden Administration is vowing to tax all taxpayer money they gave to Silicon Valley.
After spending billions to bail out Silicon Valley billionaire tech entrepreneurs, the Biden Administration is vowing to tax all taxpayer money they gave to Silicon Valley.
 
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