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Babylon Bee's Entries

A scene of desperation and panic unfolded on a Delta Airlines flight after the captain of the all-female flight crew announced over the intercom that everything was fine.
A scene of desperation and panic unfolded on a Delta Airlines flight after the captain of the all-female flight crew announced over the intercom that everything was fine.
 
When socialism arrives, you're going to want to be ready to "look at the glass as half-full" – even if the glass is empty or even if there is no glass! Here are 10 new perspectives you can adopt in the glorious socialist utopia that will help you make the best of things!
When socialism arrives, you're going to want to be ready to "look at the glass as half-full" – even if the glass is empty or even if there is no glass! Here are 10 new perspectives you can adopt in the glorious socialist utopia that will help you make the best of things!
 
Local Plumber Mario and his brother Luigi were arrested on hate crime charges during a Special Cup Tournament in which they left unsightly skid marks on Rainbow Road.
Local Plumber Mario and his brother Luigi were arrested on hate crime charges during a Special Cup Tournament in which they left unsightly skid marks on Rainbow Road.
 
Desperate to keep more of the American public from seeing previously unreleased security camera footage from the January 6, 2021 breaching of the U.S. Capitol, New York Senator Chuck Schumer has now issued a warning that the Buffalo Hat QAnon Shaman will crawl out of the TV
Desperate to keep more of the American public from seeing previously unreleased security camera footage from the January 6, 2021 breaching of the U.S. Capitol, New York Senator Chuck Schumer has now issued a warning that the Buffalo Hat QAnon Shaman will crawl out of the TV
 
"I would never trust a female pilot if my life depended on it," said local man Ray Strunk, who doesn't know how to change the wiper blades on his car.
"I would never trust a female pilot if my life depended on it," said local man Ray Strunk, who doesn't know how to change the wiper blades on his car.
 
Poor lil' guy! According to sources, Senator Mitch McConnell became so spooked today by the release of unedited Jan 6 footage that he withdrew his head into his shell and is refusing to come out.
Poor lil' guy! According to sources, Senator Mitch McConnell became so spooked today by the release of unedited Jan 6 footage that he withdrew his head into his shell and is refusing to come out.
 
Local man Rusty Davis became extremely self-conscious today after suddenly realizing he was the only person in all of Walmart walking on legs.
Local man Rusty Davis became extremely self-conscious today after suddenly realizing he was the only person in all of Walmart walking on legs.
 
Democrat leaders have issued a dire warning to Americans, saying that anyone who watches unedited clips of the footage from January 6 runs the risk of arriving at a conclusion that hasn't been approved by Democrat leaders.
Democrat leaders have issued a dire warning to Americans, saying that anyone who watches unedited clips of the footage from January 6 runs the risk of arriving at a conclusion that hasn't been approved by Democrat leaders.
 
Local man Todd Longwood, 40, was shocked to discover that the list of side effects from the new drug Relievitol perfectly described a typical day in his life.
Local man Todd Longwood, 40, was shocked to discover that the list of side effects from the new drug Relievitol perfectly described a typical day in his life.
 
After being freed from slavery by the God of Abraham, witnessing 10 terrible plagues against Pharaoh, and walking across the Red Sea on dry ground to escape from Egypt's army, Kemuel son of Bahram, of the tribe of Benjamin, is demanding to be brought back to die in Egypt
After being freed from slavery by the God of Abraham, witnessing 10 terrible plagues against Pharaoh, and walking across the Red Sea on dry ground to escape from Egypt's army, Kemuel son of Bahram, of the tribe of Benjamin, is demanding to be brought back to die in Egypt
 
Following former President Donald Trump's overwhelming victory in CPAC's straw poll for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has proposed legislation that would impose a nationwide ban on the use of straws.
Following former President Donald Trump's overwhelming victory in CPAC's straw poll for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has proposed legislation that would impose a nationwide ban on the use of straws.
 
In a stunning revelation last night, Fox News host Tucker Carlson aired previously unseen footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the U.S. Capitol that definitively showed the mastermind behind the entire incident.
In a stunning revelation last night, Fox News host Tucker Carlson aired previously unseen footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the U.S. Capitol that definitively showed the mastermind behind the entire incident.
 
Despite being armed with respectable PhDs, published papers, and bowties, historians remain stumped that kids throughout history didn't commit suicide despite having no access to gender surgery.
Despite being armed with respectable PhDs, published papers, and bowties, historians remain stumped that kids throughout history didn't commit suicide despite having no access to gender surgery.
 
President Joe Biden took a tough stance against the kidnapping of four Americans by a Mexican drug cartel in Matamoros, Mexico this week, demanding that all hotels in the area reduce their resort fees immediately.
President Joe Biden took a tough stance against the kidnapping of four Americans by a Mexican drug cartel in Matamoros, Mexico this week, demanding that all hotels in the area reduce their resort fees immediately.
 
In an attempt to distance itself from its older NFL cousin and its "END RACISM" endzone decorations, the XFL has announced they will be adding their own endzone decorations that read "WE LOVE RACISM."
In an attempt to distance itself from its older NFL cousin and its "END RACISM" endzone decorations, the XFL has announced they will be adding their own endzone decorations that read "WE LOVE RACISM."
 
A female airline pilot was preoccupied during an otherwise routine flight yesterday, as she kept hoping the plane's blinking "CHECK ENGINE" light would eventually just turn off by itself without incident.
A female airline pilot was preoccupied during an otherwise routine flight yesterday, as she kept hoping the plane's blinking "CHECK ENGINE" light would eventually just turn off by itself without incident.
 
The coronavirus pandemic is on the ropes thanks to Dr. Fauci and the power of equity, but don't put that face mask away just yet! There's so much more you can get out of it.
The coronavirus pandemic is on the ropes thanks to Dr. Fauci and the power of equity, but don't put that face mask away just yet! There's so much more you can get out of it.
 
In his ongoing series of investigations into any reports of white powder, Hunter Biden has traveled to the San Bernardino Mountains of California after hearing several feet of such powder had been seen covering the mountaintops.
In his ongoing series of investigations into any reports of white powder, Hunter Biden has traveled to the San Bernardino Mountains of California after hearing several feet of such powder had been seen covering the mountaintops.
 
Seeking to be fully prepared to capitalize on any potential woke misstep by another major American corporation, Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing is now reportedly setting up shop in a large warehouse full of tires, waiting for Goodyear to say something to cause conservative outrage.
Seeking to be fully prepared to capitalize on any potential woke misstep by another major American corporation, Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing is now reportedly setting up shop in a large warehouse full of tires, waiting for Goodyear to say something to cause conservative outrage.
 
The heated Division III rivalry between the East Pasadena Community College Golden Cuttlefish and the Technical College of Southeastern Bakersfield Fightin' Avocados has grown to epic proportions as the final minute of the basketball game heads into day three.
The heated Division III rivalry between the East Pasadena Community College Golden Cuttlefish and the Technical College of Southeastern Bakersfield Fightin' Avocados has grown to epic proportions as the final minute of the basketball game heads into day three.
 
Attorney General Merrick Garland's surprise Ukraine trip was cut short over the weekend after government officials asked him to leave, citing an overabundance of corrupt government officials already in the country.
Attorney General Merrick Garland's surprise Ukraine trip was cut short over the weekend after government officials asked him to leave, citing an overabundance of corrupt government officials already in the country.
 
Local man Matthew Timmons decided to invite a couple from church over for dinner in a clever ploy to get his wife Amy to clean the house.
Local man Matthew Timmons decided to invite a couple from church over for dinner in a clever ploy to get his wife Amy to clean the house.
 
Local child Stephen Reese became deeply worried during church this morning after hearing there is a bomb located somewhere in Gilead.
Local child Stephen Reese became deeply worried during church this morning after hearing there is a bomb located somewhere in Gilead.
 
If you have never had the incredible joy of experiencing life alongside man's best friend, there is so much you are missing out on! Here are ten amazing reasons to bring home a dog today:
If you have never had the incredible joy of experiencing life alongside man's best friend, there is so much you are missing out on! Here are ten amazing reasons to bring home a dog today:
 
A new study has found that everyone at the gym is, in fact, watching you and laughing at your little sissy dumbbells.
A new study has found that everyone at the gym is, in fact, watching you and laughing at your little sissy dumbbells.
 
This news outlet has received multiple reports that Keith Vance, a so-called man, actually posted a Facebook story, even though everyone knows Facebook stories are clearly for girls and real men steer clear of such sissy nonsense.
This news outlet has received multiple reports that Keith Vance, a so-called man, actually posted a Facebook story, even though everyone knows Facebook stories are clearly for girls and real men steer clear of such sissy nonsense.
 
During fellowship time for their weekly Bible Study, local man Charlie Rodriguez pulled his wife into an emergency conference to recover the name of a woman they had met only 15 seconds ago.
During fellowship time for their weekly Bible Study, local man Charlie Rodriguez pulled his wife into an emergency conference to recover the name of a woman they had met only 15 seconds ago.
 
According to church elders, member Dylan Behrens absolutely nailed the pitch pipe solo while performing song leader duties Sunday. The veteran song leader approached the pulpit with his Sacred Selections hymn book in hand and then proceeded to shred the pitch pipe for 5 seconds.
According to church elders, member Dylan Behrens absolutely nailed the pitch pipe solo while performing song leader duties Sunday. The veteran song leader approached the pulpit with his Sacred Selections hymn book in hand and then proceeded to shred the pitch pipe for 5 seconds.
 
Surprising results from a recent study have conclusively shown that just 0.01% of all trail mix is actually eaten by people while they are on a trail.
Surprising results from a recent study have conclusively shown that just 0.01% of all trail mix is actually eaten by people while they are on a trail.
 
According to sources, 8-year-old Kylee Carmen is being tucked into bed by her exhausted mother, but needs a few things before she can go to sleep.
According to sources, 8-year-old Kylee Carmen is being tucked into bed by her exhausted mother, but needs a few things before she can go to sleep.
 
According to inside sources, comedian Jimmy Kimmel is currently running tonight's Jimmy Kimmel Live! jokes by CCP President Xi for approval, as is his daily custom.
According to inside sources, comedian Jimmy Kimmel is currently running tonight's Jimmy Kimmel Live! jokes by CCP President Xi for approval, as is his daily custom.
 
A local man was eager to rock out alone in his car while blasting the epic soundtrack from the film The Greatest Showman, but he made certain all the windows of his vehicle were closed tightly before doing so.
A local man was eager to rock out alone in his car while blasting the epic soundtrack from the film The Greatest Showman, but he made certain all the windows of his vehicle were closed tightly before doing so.
 
The long-awaited Center For Celebrating The Protestant Heritage Of Artistic Excellence opened to the public in John Calvin's home city of Geneva, Switzerland last week, after nearly 30 years of constructing the massive building and compiling the greatest works of Protestant art
The long-awaited Center For Celebrating The Protestant Heritage Of Artistic Excellence opened to the public in John Calvin's home city of Geneva, Switzerland last week, after nearly 30 years of constructing the massive building and compiling the greatest works of Protestant art
 
A shocking Gallup poll has revealed that a rapidly increasing number of kids in Generation Z are now identifying as members of the world's most celebrated, popular group.
A shocking Gallup poll has revealed that a rapidly increasing number of kids in Generation Z are now identifying as members of the world's most celebrated, popular group.
 
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