Santa Clause must register his Sleigh as a drone. | Eastern North Carolina Now

    This just in, Santa Claus must register with the FAA. In past years, he was given a holiday dispensation but with the assault on Christmas from the fruitcakes, this year he must register his sleigh as a drone.

    New regulations recently put in place will not allow Santa or his Reindeer to land on public property. This is in keeping with the ban on all things religious in the Public Arena. Elves are exempt from any of these regulations since they are a protected minority. Santa has been ordered to appear in court to show "just cause" on his employment practices and his failure to pay $15 Minimum wages to his employees.

    The IRS is also investigating Santa's finances. It appears that he spends inordinate amounts of money on raw materials and travel to deliver his gifts but reports no source of income. His status as a nonprofit may be revoked unless he provides a proper accounting of his finances. When asked how Santa does all this for free, Bernie Sanders replied "no comment" Everyone is afraid to ask Hillary to explain how a nonprofit foundation can possibly be required to follow the law.

    Donald Trump tweeted "This is what happens when you don't have a secure border. I will build a wall between the USA and the North Pole and I will make Santa pay for it. I'm not even sure he is a citizen. I demand to see his birth certificate"

    When asked to comment on Santa Claus, President Obama responded that he was obviously one of the 1% because you never hear the name of any of his helpers and he claims all the credit for his good fortune. The President also commented that there is no evidence that Santa has any ties to any Muslim terrorist organization but could be a member of a supremacist group that maintains a listing of "Naughty and Nice" and is a proponent of the use of a lump of Coal. His origins are reportedly from Europe and not the Middle East.

    There is anecdotal evidence to suggest that Santa is a member of the NRA since many of his gifts throughout the years have included Cap Pistols, Military Style plastic rifles and para military clothing. He was even responsible for giving "Ralphie" the dreaded a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and "this thing which tells time". Ralphie was later seen shooting the BB gun in his backyard and almost shot his eye out.

    Santa may also be guilty of redlining neighborhoods because he distributes his gifts in a disproportional manner. He usually gives the best gifts to the richest neighborhoods and often bypasses the public housing projects.

    Snopes has investigated allegations regarding the real existence of Santa Claus and revealed that he may in fact be a security threat that requires tracking by NORAD.

    "Back in 1955, NORAD's predecessor, the Continental Air Defense Command (CONAD) was based in Colorado Springs, Colorado. At Christmastime of that year, a Sears department store advertisement placed in a Colorado Springs newspaper featured a picture of Santa urging children to "Call me on my private phone and I will talk to you personally any time day or night." Unfortunately, the phone numberincluded in the ad was either misprinted or misdialed, and a child who called ended up not on the phone with St. Nick but on a top secret line to one Colonel Harry Shoup, the officer on duty that day at CONAD. Rather than informing his juvenile caller they had reached a wrong number and brusquely instructing them to get off the line, Col. Shoup opted to play along and asked his staff to accommodate the inquisitive youngster by providing them with updates on Santa's Christmas Eve progress." Snoopes

    Lastly, Santa uses various surrogates to hide his true identity. Generally, these surrogates appear in shopping malls and street corners, often reeking of alcohol and trying to appear jolly.