Trump Crowned MAGA King After Pulling Rittenhouse's AR-15 From Stone | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    ANTIOCH, IL     Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone. According to legend, the AR-15 rifle had been placed in the stone by Rittenhouse himself where it could lay dormant until a hero worthy of ruling America could pry it from its slumber.

    A plaque at the base of the stone reads, "Whoso pulleth out the rifle from this stone, is right wise Ultra-MAGA King born of all America."

    According to sources, politicians and celebrities from all over the country have ventured to Antioch to try and pull the rifle from the stone, but even the strongest and mightiest have failed. When Trump arrived early Friday morning he discovered a weary Dwayne Johnson who had been unable to retrieve the rifle.

    "No one can move the gun," witnesses heard Johnson say. "Maybe no one is meant to rule."

    Trump valiantly said, "Stand aside, Rock. You're a great wrestler, maybe the best ever, but how you treated Vin Diesel was terrible. Disgraceful, really. You don't care about family."

    The former president then pulled the rifle from the stone as if it weighed nothing at all, and held it aloft in the golden beauty of the morning sun.

    "The rifle chose me," said the rightful MAGA King. "It was rigged against me from the beginning and I still moved it, if you can believe it. Sleepy Joe never pulled a rifle from a stone, okay, I can tell you that."

    Political pundits have disputed whether a rifle pulled from a stone constitutes a divine right to rule in a democratic republic, but Trump called them fake news and compelled them to bend the knee to his might.

    After a brief crowning ceremony, MAGA King Trump called in vassals from several red states and sacked Washington, DC. The district was reduced to ash and the swamp was drained once and for all.

    "Sleepy Joe is in exile," said MAGA King Trump. "We're not letting him back in. We're going to build a wall higher than ever before, straight to the firmament, if you can believe it. He'll never get back in. What a loser."

    At publishing time, the once and future MAGA King has begun construction of a solid gold castle in Palm Beach, Florida from which he can rule all of MAGADOM. He has the best architects on the job. Tremendous architects, really. Maybe the best ever.
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Daily One Stop Totals 05.13.22 Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics Daily One Stop Totals 05.14.22


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

amnesty would just encourage more illegal aliens to storm our borders
The Christmas candy was barely off the shelves when the Valentine’s candy appeared. Red and pink hearts with caramel and nut-filled chocolate goodness caught our eye. We are reminded of how we love love. Young love, especially.
far left sugar daddy has also funded anti-Israel groups and politicians in US
Be careful what you wish for, you may get it
America needs to wake up and get its priorities right
Former President Donald Trump suggested this week that if he becomes president again, he might allow Prince Harry to be deported.
It's a New Year, which means it's time to make resolutions — even for prominent evangelical leaders. The Babylon Bee asked the following well-known figures in the faith what they hope to accomplish in 2024:
Vice President Kamala Harris will visit a Minnesota Planned Parenthood clinic, reportedly the first time a president or vice president has visited an abortion facility.
An eight-mile stretch of the Blue Ridge Parkway near Asheville has been temporarily closed due to a string of “human and bear interactions,” the National Parks Service announced.

HbAD1

University of Wisconsin tried to punish conservatives for the fact that liberals regularly commit crimes to silence opposition
most voters think EU officials not doing a good job on illegal immigration
Come from behind by GOP candidate is a blueprint to 2024
Biden spending and energy policies to blame
Tuberculosis carried by illegal invaders has already infected Texas cattle
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) said this week that the only campaign promise President Joe Biden has delivered on as president is the complete dismantling of the U.S. southern border.
Hamas is reeling after losing two of their most cherished leaders on the same day: military commander Saleh al-Arouri, and Harvard President Claudine Gay.
President Joe Biden’s brother told the Internal Revenue Service that Hunter Biden told him he was in business with a “protege of President Xi,” referring to the leader of China, according to notes by an IRS investigator that were divulged during a congressional interview of Jim Biden.

HbAD2

 
Back to Top