Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.
Guns are scary. This is a fact. They commit terrible crimes of their own accord, without any kind of input from an evil human being at all. But it's important to know the facts about guns, since we live in a society.
Here are some of the scariest - but true - facts about firearms:
A 9mm bullet can blow a lung right out of your body. - Fact-check: true.
An AR-15 weighs as much as ten moving boxes. - Wow, that's heavy!
A ghost gun is completely invisible and can fire a 30 magazine clip in half a second. - Where's the lie?
Fully-semi-automatic rifles with extended clip triggers and shoulder things that go up are 3.5x deadlier than regular fully-semi-auto rifles. - That's over 3x deadlier.
Guns are 3.5 times more deadly when wielded by a cis-white male. - No surprise there.
The average American male owns 471 guns. - And sometimes, they CROSS STATE LINES!
The smell of gunpowder is scientifically shown to make people more racist. - That explains a lot.
The dreaded Gauss Cannon in Doom Eternal propels metal spikes from a magnetized chamber at extremely high velocities causing demons' heads to literally explode in giant torrential downpours of blood. - Thanks to the NRA, these are actually legal.
Bullets emit carbon dioxide, a greenhouse gas. - Guns are killing people, but more importantly, they're killing the PLANET.
Many guns are made out of the exact same metal used to build Trump Tower. - Coincidence? I think not!
12 million sea turtles are killed by assault guns every minute. - This is so sad.
Abraham Lincoln was killed by a gun. If guns didn't exist, he'd still be alive today. - He could've banned racism.
Bob Gun invented the gun to kill deer in 1704, and Hitler adapted them for killing humans in 1935. - Before that, nobody had ever been murdered before.
Alec Baldwin still has access to guns. - A terrifying thought.
32% of self-inflicted wounds come from Bugs Bunny bending back the barrel of the gun to point it at the shooter. - And if Bugs Bunny ties the barrels of your shotgun into a bow, it could blow up in your face! Not good!
Democrats claim black guns are much more dangerous than other races of guns. - Sounds kinda racist, bro.
Guns are referred to as "magic fire sticks" by Native Americans. - And Elizabeth Warren.
If you shoot a red barrel with a gun it will instantly explode. - Every time.
Guns can be used to overthrow governments. - Why would we ever want to do that? We can totally trust the government!
We hope these scary-but-true facts helped you learn something about America's deadly gun culture. If you know someone with guns, encourage them to turn them in to the government right away!