Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.
Trump is going to be president again! No, really! And when he takes office he's going to make America great and glorious again. For real this time! Over five hundred items are on the top of his day one list.
Here are a few things he'll do when he's back behind the resolute desk:
- Adjust the height of the presidential chair: Trump is way taller than Sleepy Joe Biden.
- Sign an executive order banning blue shells in Mario Kart: Make Rainbow Road safe again!
- Permanently bring back the McRib: True patriots eat McRib all year round.
- Nominate Buffalo Guy for Secretary of State: May have trouble getting confirmed in the Senate.
- Declassify everything: Then have it all sent to Mar-a-Lago for safekeeping.
- Ban Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas": Not on his watch!
- Annex Bluey so it can officially be codified as part of American culture: Only then can we fight back against absent fathers.
- Start a weekly pickup basketball game with Kim Jong-un: Diplomacy!
- Appoint Ron DeSantis ambassador to the South Pole: Very important job.
- Save Ukraine: He'll start by blowing up all the onion-shaped domes on the Kremlin.