Satire: Regulations we need in 2016 | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Sabe Wilis is an independent writer and author of Trials of Ambiguity. The following article is a work of satire, and should not be taken seriously. If you do not understand sarcasm to some degree, please ignore this article and another article on political sci-fi at SabeWilis.com.

    Many view regulations as a nuisance to life in this country, or an outright infringement on our rights. These people are clearly delusional. It is like democratic socialism, people are just irrationally scared of socialism. They may cite the hundreds of cases where socialism has failed and resulted in the destruction of millions of lives. But that isn't REAL SOCIALISM. Here some great regulations that can make this country better.

    In the year 1998, 2200 house fires were caused by a toaster. That is a fact that the [insert group you don't like] doesn't want you to know. The clear solution is to prevent these house fires is a mandate on requiring a license to own a toaster. We need to make sure that toasters don't end up in the wrong hands, such as people who don't unplug their toasters. Now some may think that this licensing proposal is government overreach, but it is for the greater good of society; we will protect the people from unintentionally burning down their houses via toaster accidents. Ultimately, the government knows best when it comes to you and your toaster. This is COMMON SENSE LEGISLATION, and anyone who opposes this ruling is willing to put American women and children at risk!

    The next legislation I wish to propose is entitled, "An Act to Prevent the Spread of Music Which Sounds like Flatulence of 2016." Over the past century, the world has experienced an epidemic of some of the greatest atrocities in human history; Justin Beiber, Mao ZeDong, Nickleback, Adolf Hitler, One Direction, and Joseph Stalin. All of these have degraded the moral fiber of this once great nation. What do three of these have in common? They produce garbage music. I propose as a solution for this moral decay, a licensing rule on producing music. In order to compose music, said musician(s) should be required to take a musical test; if the music said "artist" produces resembles the auditory excrement we call pop music, their license should be revoked.

    Contrary to what mature people may say, words do hurt, and hurt feelings are something the government needs to legislate around. People should not be allowed to say things that could potentially upset each other. If we don't, then like the institution of civil unions, it will lead to total anarchy. We need the government to have strict guidelines on what people can and cannot say. By banning immoral and dishonorable speech, we can create a utopian society like that depicted in Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. To achieve this in the United States, the best solution is to require a license for the ability to express an idea. The license will require rigorous ideological solidarity programs to ensure that their ideas won't hurt the feelings of America's Future! This is about preserving the feelings of our children. If we don't have this policy in place, then our people will be unsafe. Supporting a policy like this means you are defending the right for Americans to not have to live in the real world.

    My final policy suggestion is the most important of all, we need a license to spend money. If you think about it, and aren't an ignorant [Insert group you don't like], you'll realize that the recent financial collapse was caused by two things. First being irresponsible spending (the second is the federal reserve's dangerous manipulation of the economy, but the fed handles regulation, so mentioning this will make them look bad.) Thus I propose a license requirement for making any transaction from someone buying a drink at a gas station to buying out a fortune 500 country. This license will allow the government to track citizens' spending habits to prevent the people from making bad financial decisions. A policy like this is to protect the public from dangerous threats to our economy. It is a slippery slope, if we allow citizens to start interacting in our economy without thousands of new regulations each year and a license to spend, next thing you know, dolphins will go cannibal.

    Ultimately there is no reason to oppose these regulations, and if you do, you hate America and are an anarchist. Without excessive regulation, we have anarchy and fall back into the stone age where people were responsible for their own life choices.