Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.
It's a lot of responsibility to be the patriarch of your household. Leading your family through a woke world that wants to cause them spiritual harm is a stressful job. Also, sometimes your wife doesn't make that sandwich you ask for. Life is hard!
Here are some classic dad hacks to live your best life now:
1) Carry no less than 4 pocket knives at all times: Your family will lose faith in your ability to provide for them if you try to open an Amazon package with your bare hands like some kind of dumb ape.
2) If you feed the kids enough cheese, they'll stop pooping: Ancient Chinese secret.
3) Whenever someone says "I'm (blank),"
say "Nice to meet you (blank), I'm Dad!"
: Instant respect.
4) If the kids have too much energy tell them to run laps around the house and whoever's the last to collapse in exhaustion wins $5: Be sure to adjust the amount you offer for inflation. If you live in California no one's running laps for less than $348.
5) Offer to help with chores, but do them really badly so your wife stops asking: This leaves you more time to focus on spiritual welfare. And watch TV.
6) Throw your dirty socks on the floor. They'll magically appear back in your drawer the next day completely clean: It's like magic!
7) Drag your kid around the floor on a couple of Swiffer pads to keep them occupied and get the cleaning done at the same time: Your wife will be impressed by your ingenuity.
8) Not sure how to bond with your kids? Invite them to do whatever you're doing: They'll actually go for it every time. It turns out they just want you. Cool!