Meet Gender Studies Major Chloe And 7 Other Underprivileged College Grads Whose Loans You're Paying Off | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    We applaud you for stepping up and allowing the government to take your money and invest it in the education of complete strangers, just as good and faithful Christians should.

    But it's easy to start to feel disconnected from the people you're generously helping as the government forces you to help them. We want you to remember the "human element", so we thought it would be a good idea to profile a few of the grads whose loans you're paying off.

    Here are just a few of these less fortunate grads who went to really expensive schools you're helping out:

    Name: Chloe Martin

    Pronouns: Hir/Sie

    Age: 25

    Major: Gender Studies, emphasis on trans issues

    Bio: Chloe grew up in the Hamptons and chose to go to Boston University "because it was, like, pretty and stuff."

    Hobbies: Smashing the patriarchy, smashing windows for racial justice, and smashing right on dating apps.

    Career: N/A because "careers stand for a system of heteronormative, capitalist whiteness" - and the whiteness of most resumes makes hir shrink away hissing.

    Debt: $127,000



    Name: Riley Adams

    Pronouns: Tho/Thom/Thomself

    Age: 27 but identifies as 11!

    Major: Teacher's Education

    Bio: Tho loves helping young people discover their identities and so much more, including sharing about thomself!

    Hobbies: Mailing puberty blockers to minors in states where it's illegal.

    Career: 1st-Grade Teacher

    Debt: $120,000

    Name: XX121

    Pronouns: Xe/No/Morph

    Age: 711

    Major: Implanting endoparosidoitic embryos into hosts.

    Bio: Hailing from the planet Xenomorph Prime, XX121 can lull victims into complacency before pouncing, taking them to the Xenomorph Queen - in other words, great with kids!

    Hobbies: Hissing, shrieking, bleeding acid.

    Career: Unknown

    Debt: $200,010 - but will settle for 4-5 live human hosts.

    Name: Phoenix Blade

    Pronouns: Ae/Aer/Aers

    Age: 23

    Major: Social Work

    Bio: Areas of research interest include advocacy, volunteering

    Hobbies: Advocacy, volunteering, and making a difference for the underprivileged through strategic hashtags and well-manicured posts.

    Career: Online Activism

    Debt: $77,000

    Name: Remi Williams

    Pronouns: Ay/Ai/Eyai

    Age: 26

    Major: Political Science, Corporate Law

    Bio: Remi missed an 11-day stretch of work while screaming at the sky after January 6, and was fired and replaced with a white male. Since then, ai has been striving to promote diversity and inclusion by reporting white people to HR for their violent and triggering skin color.

    Hobbies: Women's economic empowerment, splintering white fragility.

    Career: N/A

    Debt: $143,000

    Name: Kendall Wright

    Pronouns: Per/Pers/Perself

    Age: Decline to state because "math represents systemic silencing of underprivileged voices"

    Major: History Of Manspreading, Mansplaining, And Manterruption

    Bio: Passion for inclusive activism

    Hobbies: Throwing bleach on the crotches of men who manspread on the subway, in church pews, or in their own houses.

    Career: Victim's Advocate

    Debt: $49,000



    Name: Reginald Abernathy III

    Pronouns: He/Him

    Age: 58

    Major: Financial Planning

    Bio: Reg's favorite joke is that he works "half-days" at the firm - "7 AM to 7 PM." The student loan transfer was applied to him in error, but he didn't notice because he thought the $10,000 influx was part of his daily bonus for stock portfolio performance!

    Hobbies: Wine tasting, tennis, golf.

    Career: Senior Private Equity Advisor

    Debt: -$2,000,760

    Name: Bill Paxton (no relation)

    Pronouns: Xey/Xem/Xerself

    Age: 26

    Major: Eastern European Art History & Romantic Fiction

    Bio: Went to Rome to find herself and never returned

    Hobbies: Swim diving. Checkers.

    Career: Professional gambler

    Debt: $742,000

    Welp, there they are. Which one is your favorite? Try to collect them all, and trade with your friends!

poll#160

Are you in favor of the Joe Biden Executive Order, just weeks before the midterm elections, to shift the Higher Education debt, of up to $10,000.00 per individual, to the taxpayers of this Republic (estimated at 1/2 trillion)?

  Yes, it costs so much to go to college, and the right job is so hard to find in my focus of study.

  No, one's individual debt should be born by the beneficiary of that debt; certainly NOT by others that work to support their own families and pay their own debts, and their taxes.

  I am bereft of knowledge, so who cares?

456 total vote(s)     What's your Opinion?

poll#154

Inarguably, the policies of the Democrats in congress and Joe Biden as the Executive is plunging the United States into a recession, if we are not already there; a recession that was completely avoidable. Will abrupt changes in policies occur in time?

  Yes, the Democrats have a bold plan, yet to be revealed, to save us.

  No, there will have to be a complete undoing of the damage done by these Democrats.

  I can't do simple math, so how am I to understand the concept of basic economics.

1,216 total vote(s)     What's your Opinion?