Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.
While today's churches seem to have tons of positions and pastors for everything, in the Bible, there are only a few church offices outlined: elder, deacon, and sound guy. Each of these has lofty qualifications to ensure that the person who carries out these tasks is a godly man of character.
If you want to be a church sound guy, you need to demonstrate the ability to:
1. Display the wrong lyric slide for every single verse and chorus. - Never, ever display the right lyric. And if you do, put it up at least 17 seconds late.
2. Turn off the background singers without them knowing. - "You sound great, Chloe!"
3. Lie with a straight face when the bass player asks if he's on in the house. - "Yeah, I got you turned all the way up, Kyle!"
4. Endure hundreds of glares from the congregation even when it's not your fault. - "What?! What'd I do?!"
5. Help the church secretary print PDFs over and over again. - "Again, Gertrude?"
6. Cue up the laugh track at each of the pastor's jokes. - You gotta make him seem funny - no easy task.
7. Randomly adjust knobs, sliders, and dials so it looks like you know what you're doing. - You gotta make yourself seem competent - no easy task.
8. Secretly play video games in the sound booth the whole service. - Might we recommend Chrono Trigger?
9. Be the backbone of the entire operation and never get a single word of thanks. - Unlike the worship leader, who basks in the adoration.
Sounds like a sweet gig!