Essential Tips For Finding A Spouse At A Christian College | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    There's only one reason people go to a Christian college: to find a spouse! Don't graduate empty-handed! Follow these tips and snag yourself a godly mate today!

    Find a spouse with these handy tips!

    For men:

1. Pray that God will guide the bouncy ball you're about to chuck so it will hit your future bride: Aim true, Spirit!
2. Accidentally throw her name into a rendition of 'What A Beautiful Name': She'll be flattered when you put her above God and then touched when you repent.
3. Put a box and stick trap out with an Amish romance novel as bait: Irresistible.
4. Lift MacArthur Study Bibles to fill out those scrawny arms: And don't skimp out on leg day! Do squats while extending a Scofield Reference Bible at arm's length.
5. Diligently work under the employ of her father for seven years and then accidentally marry her sister: It'll be a great story for your grandkids.
6. Learn 3 chords on the guitar: This will put you above the competition.
7. Go to the quad and say, "I intend to get a stable job, work hard, and have at least 5 children and also I want chickens" conspicuously loud: Guaranteed to work, so you'd better be willing to follow through.

    For women:

1. Close your eyes and let the Lord guide your feet to the door of your new spouse: It's just that easy!
2. Loudly read Proverbs 31 in common areas and then say, "Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there!" when a cute guy walks by: He'll be yours forever.
3. Wear spikenard that smells of locusts and wild honey: It's what wild men appreciate most.
4. Sigh wistfully and say, "I wish a man could explain this to me!" while reading your Bible: Then, marry the most correct man - even if he's ugly.
5. Accidentally brush his hand as you both reach for the froyo machine handle in the cafeteria: He won't be able to think about anything else, least of all froyo.
6. Weep and cry out in prayer "Have mercy on me, a single!": Then he'll know!
7. Do not heed the advice of talking serpents: They're always wrong.