Essential Tips For Finding A Spouse At A Christian College | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    There's only one reason people go to a Christian college: to find a spouse! Don't graduate empty-handed! Follow these tips and snag yourself a godly mate today!

    Find a spouse with these handy tips!

    For men:

  1. Pray that God will guide the bouncy ball you're about to chuck so it will hit your future bride: Aim true, Spirit!
  2. Accidentally throw her name into a rendition of 'What A Beautiful Name': She'll be flattered when you put her above God and then touched when you repent.
  3. Put a box and stick trap out with an Amish romance novel as bait: Irresistible.
  4. Lift MacArthur Study Bibles to fill out those scrawny arms: And don't skimp out on leg day! Do squats while extending a Scofield Reference Bible at arm's length.
  5. Diligently work under the employ of her father for seven years and then accidentally marry her sister: It'll be a great story for your grandkids.
  6. Learn 3 chords on the guitar: This will put you above the competition.
  7. Go to the quad and say, "I intend to get a stable job, work hard, and have at least 5 children and also I want chickens" conspicuously loud: Guaranteed to work, so you'd better be willing to follow through.

    For women:

  1. Close your eyes and let the Lord guide your feet to the door of your new spouse: It's just that easy!
  2. Loudly read Proverbs 31 in common areas and then say, "Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there!" when a cute guy walks by: He'll be yours forever.
  3. Wear spikenard that smells of locusts and wild honey: It's what wild men appreciate most.
  4. Sigh wistfully and say, "I wish a man could explain this to me!" while reading your Bible: Then, marry the most correct man - even if he's ugly.
  5. Accidentally brush his hand as you both reach for the froyo machine handle in the cafeteria: He won't be able to think about anything else, least of all froyo.
  6. Weep and cry out in prayer "Have mercy on me, a single!": Then he'll know!
  7. Do not heed the advice of talking serpents: They're always wrong.

Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Husband’s Instagram Account Exists Solely To Post About His Wife On Her Birthday Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics To Raise Breast Cancer Awareness, Rainn Wilson Legally Changes Name To 'Booby McBoobface'


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

The Missouri Senate approved a constitutional amendment to ban non-U.S. citizens from voting and also ban ranked-choice voting.
Democrats prosecuting political opponets just like foreign dictrators do
populist / nationalist / sovereigntist right are kingmakers for new government
18 year old boy who thinks he is girl planned to shoot up elementary school in Maryland
Biden assault on democracy continues to build as he ramps up dictatorship
One would think that the former Attorney General would have known better
illegal alien "asylum seeker" migrants are a crime wave on both sides of the Atlantic
UNC board committee votes unanimously to end DEI in UNC system

HbAD1

Police in the nation’s capital are not stopping illegal aliens who are driving around without license plates, according to a new report.
Davidaon County student suspended for using correct legal term for those in country illegally
Lawmakers and privacy experts on both sides of the political spectrum are sounding the alarm on a provision in a spy powers reform bill that one senator described as one of the “most terrifying expansions of government surveillance” in history
given to illegals in Mexico before they even get to US: NGOs connected to Mayorkas
committee gets enough valid signatures to force vote on removing Oakland, CA's Soros DA
other pro-terrorist protests in Chicago shout "Death to America" in Farsi

HbAD2

Only two of the so-called “three Johns” will be competing to replace Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) as leader of the Senate GOP.
House Judiciary Chair Jim Jordan (R-OH) is looking into whether GoFundMe and Eventbrite cooperated with federal law enforcement during their investigation into the financial transactions of supporters of former President Donald Trump.
Turkish diplomatic sources say he did
Popularity of government leader crashes, even among his own party members.
Wisconsin voters ban private money, nonprofits from the election process after 2020 ‘Zuckerbucks’ controversy; spotlight now on 22 states that still allow it.
6 month old baby fighting for life after mother killed; policewoman finally arrives, shoots knifeman

HbAD3

 
Back to Top