Babylon Bee | Eastern NC Now

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

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Babylon Bee  

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

The Dulles International Airport has announced an additional convenience for travelers arriving in the nation's capital. Starting next week, passengers will be able to skip the hassle of waiting at the baggage claim and will instead be directed directly to Sam Brinton's House.
The Dulles International Airport has announced an additional convenience for travelers arriving in the nation's capital. Starting next week, passengers will be able to skip the hassle of waiting at the baggage claim and will instead be directed directly to Sam Brinton's House.
 
A local surgeon specializing in gender reassignment has come under heavy fire recently, as his critics complain he is still stubbornly only offering "male" or "female" as options.
A local surgeon specializing in gender reassignment has come under heavy fire recently, as his critics complain he is still stubbornly only offering "male" or "female" as options.
 
Biden sought to calm fears over his health following a nasty spill on stage last week in an address to the nation, which he delivered while wearing a blue padded helmet.
Biden sought to calm fears over his health following a nasty spill on stage last week in an address to the nation, which he delivered while wearing a blue padded helmet.
 
After experiencing mixed results in recent election cycles, the Republican Party has devised a new strategy in which its members will publicly tear each other down and divide its voter base while Democrats sit silently and reap the benefits.
After experiencing mixed results in recent election cycles, the Republican Party has devised a new strategy in which its members will publicly tear each other down and divide its voter base while Democrats sit silently and reap the benefits.
 
A local woman was once again left with several truckloads of leftover food after severely overestimating the amount needed to feed her dinner party of 7 people by roughly 3,000 servings.
A local woman was once again left with several truckloads of leftover food after severely overestimating the amount needed to feed her dinner party of 7 people by roughly 3,000 servings.
 
Yesterday, Americans from all walks of life gathered to solemnly remember that OHMYGOSH! BEST BUY IS HAVING A MASSIVE BLOWOUT SALE ON REFRIGERATORS!!!!!!
Yesterday, Americans from all walks of life gathered to solemnly remember that OHMYGOSH! BEST BUY IS HAVING A MASSIVE BLOWOUT SALE ON REFRIGERATORS!!!!!!
 
At long last, the end of the world is upon us. At any minute the trumpets will sound and we'll be caught up into heaven, leaving only our clothes and jewelry behind-- just like in the theologically accurate international blockbuster film Left Behind.
At long last, the end of the world is upon us. At any minute the trumpets will sound and we'll be caught up into heaven, leaving only our clothes and jewelry behind-- just like in the theologically accurate international blockbuster film Left Behind.
 
Local ten-year-old Liam Moore has been working hard to overcome a dreadful addiction to Big League Chew.
Local ten-year-old Liam Moore has been working hard to overcome a dreadful addiction to Big League Chew.
 
In a touching scene, local dog "Tex" was overcome with joy after being reunited at last with his owner Tom, who had briefly walked outside to check the mail.
In a touching scene, local dog "Tex" was overcome with joy after being reunited at last with his owner Tom, who had briefly walked outside to check the mail.
 
A newly released film that simply lets liberals say exactly what they believe has been flagged for "Offensive Content" on all available platforms.
A newly released film that simply lets liberals say exactly what they believe has been flagged for "Offensive Content" on all available platforms.
 
In a stunning breakthrough for the cleaning industry, Oxi-Clean announced today the release of their most powerful cleaning product yet: Oxi-Clean Clinton-Strength!
In a stunning breakthrough for the cleaning industry, Oxi-Clean announced today the release of their most powerful cleaning product yet: Oxi-Clean Clinton-Strength!
 
In a stunning display while playing the board game Monopoly, Esau exchanged the highly coveted properties of Boardwalk and Park Place for a single bowl of Campbell's Soup.
In a stunning display while playing the board game Monopoly, Esau exchanged the highly coveted properties of Boardwalk and Park Place for a single bowl of Campbell's Soup.
 
Language learning company Rosetta Stone announced today it was introducing a new course designed to teach users the difficult language that had previously only been spoken by President Joe Biden.
Language learning company Rosetta Stone announced today it was introducing a new course designed to teach users the difficult language that had previously only been spoken by President Joe Biden.
 
Movie Night at the Walsh household was thrown into turmoil last night, as political commentator Matt Walsh's family pleaded with him to let them watch something other than his documentary film What is a Woman? at some point this year.
Movie Night at the Walsh household was thrown into turmoil last night, as political commentator Matt Walsh's family pleaded with him to let them watch something other than his documentary film What is a Woman? at some point this year.
 
The tech world is abuzz over an innovative new productivity app now available for iPhone and Android. The app is said to boost productivity by simply turning the phone off for a very long time.
The tech world is abuzz over an innovative new productivity app now available for iPhone and Android. The app is said to boost productivity by simply turning the phone off for a very long time.
 
In a burst of energy and glass shards, everyone's favorite kid beverage giant unveiled its newest mascot "Kool-Aid Woman" at a press conference Wednesday.
In a burst of energy and glass shards, everyone's favorite kid beverage giant unveiled its newest mascot "Kool-Aid Woman" at a press conference Wednesday.
 
Target has unveiled a tropical summer line of kids' clothing with new design partner Ghislaine Maxwell.
Target has unveiled a tropical summer line of kids' clothing with new design partner Ghislaine Maxwell.
 
The White House and GOP announced a deal has been reached on the debt ceiling after Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy offered Biden two entire pints of chocolate chip ice cream.
The White House and GOP announced a deal has been reached on the debt ceiling after Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy offered Biden two entire pints of chocolate chip ice cream.
 
Local man Dave Johnson has long suffered from the fear that everyone will one day realize he's not really qualified for his job. As it turns out, those fears were totally justified as Mr. Johnson is completely awful at his job and everyone has figured it out.
Local man Dave Johnson has long suffered from the fear that everyone will one day realize he's not really qualified for his job. As it turns out, those fears were totally justified as Mr. Johnson is completely awful at his job and everyone has figured it out.
 
Clippy, the Microsoft AI office assistant on Hunter Biden's laptop, has stopped cooperating with law enforcement after becoming too traumatized to continue sorting through the horrific content.
Clippy, the Microsoft AI office assistant on Hunter Biden's laptop, has stopped cooperating with law enforcement after becoming too traumatized to continue sorting through the horrific content.
 
The motive behind a sandbag's sudden attack on President Joe Biden became more clear today, as sources within the federal government have produced photos showing the sandbag also participated in the U.S. Capitol riot on January 6, 2021.
The motive behind a sandbag's sudden attack on President Joe Biden became more clear today, as sources within the federal government have produced photos showing the sandbag also participated in the U.S. Capitol riot on January 6, 2021.
 
U.S. — Joe Biden's ugly spill at the Air Force commencement ceremony has led the American public to vote to approve adding the question "Can you walk and speak in sentences?" to the official job application for President of the United States.
U.S. — Joe Biden's ugly spill at the Air Force commencement ceremony has led the American public to vote to approve adding the question "Can you walk and speak in sentences?" to the official job application for President of the United States.
 
A few hours after Twitter censored the premier of Matt Walsh's documentary on its platform, Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing announced the creation of a brand-new un-woke social media site called Jeremy'sSpace.
A few hours after Twitter censored the premier of Matt Walsh's documentary on its platform, Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing announced the creation of a brand-new un-woke social media site called Jeremy'sSpace.
 
In a touching display of leadership and solidarity, Biden fell to the ground yesterday in support of LGBTQ rights.
In a touching display of leadership and solidarity, Biden fell to the ground yesterday in support of LGBTQ rights.
 
Archeologists have uncovered what they believe are the final remains of Sodom and Gomorrah's beloved Target store.
Archeologists have uncovered what they believe are the final remains of Sodom and Gomorrah's beloved Target store.
 
Despite staggering intellect and deep study of God's Word, psychologist/professor/author/speaker/room-cleaning enthusiast Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has resolved to stubbornly consider every possible tangential meaning of Bible stories
Despite staggering intellect and deep study of God's Word, psychologist/professor/author/speaker/room-cleaning enthusiast Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has resolved to stubbornly consider every possible tangential meaning of Bible stories
 
LASIK Surgeon Dr. Adam Slade has begun offering a new "Total Blindness" option to help people get through Pride Month.
LASIK Surgeon Dr. Adam Slade has begun offering a new "Total Blindness" option to help people get through Pride Month.
 
Forgetting the famous saying about leaves of three, Adam came to the horrible realization that something was terribly wrong with his first leafy covering.
Forgetting the famous saying about leaves of three, Adam came to the horrible realization that something was terribly wrong with his first leafy covering.
 
The live-action remake of the beloved Disney film The Little Mermaid is just like a classic Disney movie but bad, say critics. Despite advances in CGI and ethnic diversity, the new film appears to have floundered with critics and fans alike.
The live-action remake of the beloved Disney film The Little Mermaid is just like a classic Disney movie but bad, say critics. Despite advances in CGI and ethnic diversity, the new film appears to have floundered with critics and fans alike.
 
Soft whimpers were heard late last night at the Governor's Mansion, as aides reported Ron DeSantis whispering in between sobs over insults lobbed his way by former President Donald Trump.
Soft whimpers were heard late last night at the Governor's Mansion, as aides reported Ron DeSantis whispering in between sobs over insults lobbed his way by former President Donald Trump.
 
Trump made a statement from his Florida resort on Wednesday, responding to DeSantis's announcement he was running for President. In it, he attacked his opponent for mismanaging the state so badly that only a really dumb idiot would ever want to live there.
Trump made a statement from his Florida resort on Wednesday, responding to DeSantis's announcement he was running for President. In it, he attacked his opponent for mismanaging the state so badly that only a really dumb idiot would ever want to live there.
 
A local boy in his first year of homeschooling took a short break from his studies today to daydream about what it will be like on his last day of school, which should only be a mere 12 years away.
A local boy in his first year of homeschooling took a short break from his studies today to daydream about what it will be like on his last day of school, which should only be a mere 12 years away.
 
Human rights activists planned large protests in the coming weeks after learning retail giant Target had committed the unprecedented atrocity of moving Pride displays back 20 feet from their previously prominent location at the front of the store.
Human rights activists planned large protests in the coming weeks after learning retail giant Target had committed the unprecedented atrocity of moving Pride displays back 20 feet from their previously prominent location at the front of the store.
 
According to sources, an innocent multi-billion dollar megacorporation has come under ruthless attack from a terrifying group of domestic extremists who refuse to give the corporation any money.
According to sources, an innocent multi-billion dollar megacorporation has come under ruthless attack from a terrifying group of domestic extremists who refuse to give the corporation any money.
 
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