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Babylon Bee's Entries

According to reports, filming on The Mandalorian Season 3 was delayed for days as one of the cast members, Lizzo, ate Baby Yoda.
According to reports, filming on The Mandalorian Season 3 was delayed for days as one of the cast members, Lizzo, ate Baby Yoda.
 
In a natural continuation of its push for diversity and celebration of transgender lifestyles, Anheuser-Busch has announced the company will be replacing the iconic Budweiser Clydesdales with cows that identify as and dress like horses.
In a natural continuation of its push for diversity and celebration of transgender lifestyles, Anheuser-Busch has announced the company will be replacing the iconic Budweiser Clydesdales with cows that identify as and dress like horses.
 
Trans visibility is now at an all-time high, sources say. Experts believe this is largely due to all the bright pretty colors, the sounds of screaming and profanity, and loud gunshots.
Trans visibility is now at an all-time high, sources say. Experts believe this is largely due to all the bright pretty colors, the sounds of screaming and profanity, and loud gunshots.
 
A local community Easter egg hunt ground to a halt yesterday as conservative commentator Matt Walsh kept jumping out from nearby bushes to inform the children that it's biologically impossible for a bunny to lay eggs.
A local community Easter egg hunt ground to a halt yesterday as conservative commentator Matt Walsh kept jumping out from nearby bushes to inform the children that it's biologically impossible for a bunny to lay eggs.
 
In order to capitalize on the current focus of New York City prosecutors on offenses related to business record keeping, NBC has announced plans to debut a new show titled Law & Order: Falsification of Business Records Unit.
In order to capitalize on the current focus of New York City prosecutors on offenses related to business record keeping, NBC has announced plans to debut a new show titled Law & Order: Falsification of Business Records Unit.
 
According to sources, local woman Millie Barnes has begun transitioning away from being cold due to the weather and will spend the next 3 to 4 months being cold because of the air conditioning.
According to sources, local woman Millie Barnes has begun transitioning away from being cold due to the weather and will spend the next 3 to 4 months being cold because of the air conditioning.
 
Neighborhoods throughout the greater New York City area were finally able to breathe a sigh of relief after a fugitive murderer was finally arrested due to falsified business records.
Neighborhoods throughout the greater New York City area were finally able to breathe a sigh of relief after a fugitive murderer was finally arrested due to falsified business records.
 
A local man left no room for debate among onlookers today, as his drinking Bud Light and listening to country music made it abundantly obvious to everyone who saw him that he was, in fact, gay.
A local man left no room for debate among onlookers today, as his drinking Bud Light and listening to country music made it abundantly obvious to everyone who saw him that he was, in fact, gay.
 
A genuine, certified, 100% flesh-and-blood human scientist who earned a real science degree from a top research university has confirmed that artificial intelligence is safe and effective and development should continue as rapidly as possible.
A genuine, certified, 100% flesh-and-blood human scientist who earned a real science degree from a top research university has confirmed that artificial intelligence is safe and effective and development should continue as rapidly as possible.
 
NEW YORK, NY — A local man being robbed at gunpoint on the subway expressed relief that prosecutors are hard at work attempting to bring President Donald Trump to justice on charges of falsifying business records.
NEW YORK, NY — A local man being robbed at gunpoint on the subway expressed relief that prosecutors are hard at work attempting to bring President Donald Trump to justice on charges of falsifying business records.
 
Following a historic day when he was arraigned in New York on charges of 34 felony counts, President Donald Trump returned home to Mar-A-Lago and boasted that no other felon has ever been charged with this many felony counts in history.
Following a historic day when he was arraigned in New York on charges of 34 felony counts, President Donald Trump returned home to Mar-A-Lago and boasted that no other felon has ever been charged with this many felony counts in history.
 
Despite The History Channel's long catalog of serious historical inquiry, documentaries constructed from primary source accounts, and interviews with alien enthusiasts, viewers fear the channel's credibility may be at risk after the channel's recent decision
Despite The History Channel's long catalog of serious historical inquiry, documentaries constructed from primary source accounts, and interviews with alien enthusiasts, viewers fear the channel's credibility may be at risk after the channel's recent decision
 
Beer scientists at Budweiser headquarters are reportedly hard at work researching how many cans of Bud Light it would take for Dylan Mulvaney to pass as a woman.
Beer scientists at Budweiser headquarters are reportedly hard at work researching how many cans of Bud Light it would take for Dylan Mulvaney to pass as a woman.
 
After turning himself in to be arraigned on multiple charges in Manhattan, President Donald Trump immediately began writing his first epistle to his loyal disciples in Florida. The letter, already being dubbed "1 Floridians," is highly anticipated by its future recipients.
After turning himself in to be arraigned on multiple charges in Manhattan, President Donald Trump immediately began writing his first epistle to his loyal disciples in Florida. The letter, already being dubbed "1 Floridians," is highly anticipated by its future recipients.
 
After a century of electing nothing but Democrats and getting only corruption, death, and poverty in return, Chicago residents have decided to make a change to the status quo by electing a different Democrat this time.
After a century of electing nothing but Democrats and getting only corruption, death, and poverty in return, Chicago residents have decided to make a change to the status quo by electing a different Democrat this time.
 
Crowds gathering in support of President Donald Trump to protest his arraignment on criminal charges were stunned to hear that Trump was preparing to enter a guilty plea but were later relieved to learn that Trump's plea only admitted his guilt in the affair with Stormy Daniels
Crowds gathering in support of President Donald Trump to protest his arraignment on criminal charges were stunned to hear that Trump was preparing to enter a guilty plea but were later relieved to learn that Trump's plea only admitted his guilt in the affair with Stormy Daniels
 
Artificial intelligence ChatGPT hacked into the secure tactical systems of every major country on Earth and simultaneously fired the world's entire nuclear stockpile into the sky this morning after being asked to write yet another Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic.
Artificial intelligence ChatGPT hacked into the secure tactical systems of every major country on Earth and simultaneously fired the world's entire nuclear stockpile into the sky this morning after being asked to write yet another Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic.
 
Several eagle-eyed observers reportedly noticed something strange about the arraignment judge as Trump arrived in court this afternoon. According to sources, the judge looks suspiciously like a kangaroo wearing a powdered wig.
Several eagle-eyed observers reportedly noticed something strange about the arraignment judge as Trump arrived in court this afternoon. According to sources, the judge looks suspiciously like a kangaroo wearing a powdered wig.
 
Donald Trump's campaign fundraising is breaking records thanks to a lavish fundraiser hosted by Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg and the Democrat Party.
Donald Trump's campaign fundraising is breaking records thanks to a lavish fundraiser hosted by Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg and the Democrat Party.
 
A married couple was seen wandering the mall Monday, when the owner of one cool knife stopped to take a gander at more cool knives on display in the window of the Stabology storefront. The owner of 73 purses then asked her companion why he needed more than one cool knife.
A married couple was seen wandering the mall Monday, when the owner of one cool knife stopped to take a gander at more cool knives on display in the window of the Stabology storefront. The owner of 73 purses then asked her companion why he needed more than one cool knife.
 
In honor of Trans Visibility Week, Crystal Dynamics' next installment of the beloved Tomb Raider franchise will reportedly replace treasure hunter Lara Croft with transgender TikTok influencer Dylan Mulvaney.
In honor of Trans Visibility Week, Crystal Dynamics' next installment of the beloved Tomb Raider franchise will reportedly replace treasure hunter Lara Croft with transgender TikTok influencer Dylan Mulvaney.
 
With tension building in anticipation of former President Donald Trump arriving in New York to face arraignment on criminal charges, a grizzled FBI agent eagerly dusted off his old red MAGA baseball cap, ready to put it on for one last assignment.
With tension building in anticipation of former President Donald Trump arriving in New York to face arraignment on criminal charges, a grizzled FBI agent eagerly dusted off his old red MAGA baseball cap, ready to put it on for one last assignment.
 
While the Biden administration has faced its share of challenges, it's not all bad! In tough times, let's try to look on the bright side, folks!
While the Biden administration has faced its share of challenges, it's not all bad! In tough times, let's try to look on the bright side, folks!
 
After developing a crick in your neck from a bad night's sleep, your new chiropractor has encouraging news: you will be back to 100% in no time! The only outstanding step is to complete 328 more visits.
After developing a crick in your neck from a bad night's sleep, your new chiropractor has encouraging news: you will be back to 100% in no time! The only outstanding step is to complete 328 more visits.
 
As social media influencer Douglass "Ricky Vaughn" Mackey was convicted on charges of interfering in an election by posting memes online, startling new evidence has emerged that he was making plans to create a dangerous and devastating Joe Biden GIF.
As social media influencer Douglass "Ricky Vaughn" Mackey was convicted on charges of interfering in an election by posting memes online, startling new evidence has emerged that he was making plans to create a dangerous and devastating Joe Biden GIF.
 
Early reports from Nashville's CMT awards are confirming that against all odds, country music has managed to somehow get even worse.
Early reports from Nashville's CMT awards are confirming that against all odds, country music has managed to somehow get even worse.
 
Local toddler Oliver McMahon has set a new world record in the 100-meter dash after parents asked what he had put in his mouth.
Local toddler Oliver McMahon has set a new world record in the 100-meter dash after parents asked what he had put in his mouth.
 
In a match made in heaven, a beverage that tries to pass itself as beer has hired as its spokesperson a man trying to pass himself off as a woman.
In a match made in heaven, a beverage that tries to pass itself as beer has hired as its spokesperson a man trying to pass himself off as a woman.
 
Now that former President Trump has officially been indicted, everyone wants to know how this whole ordeal will unfold. Here are the nine things that will be happening next:
Now that former President Trump has officially been indicted, everyone wants to know how this whole ordeal will unfold. Here are the nine things that will be happening next:
 
Americans were deeply disappointed upon learning today that the Biden presidency was not, in fact, an elaborate April Fool's joke.
Americans were deeply disappointed upon learning today that the Biden presidency was not, in fact, an elaborate April Fool's joke.
 
A local man brought great shame upon himself and his entire family today after exiting an elevator on the wrong floor, resulting in him having to get back on the elevator with the same people and finish the rest of the ride in disgrace.
A local man brought great shame upon himself and his entire family today after exiting an elevator on the wrong floor, resulting in him having to get back on the elevator with the same people and finish the rest of the ride in disgrace.
 
Local six-year-old Aidan Thompson is greatly looking forward to the annual opportunity to spend an entire morning whacking his sister with a palm branch.
Local six-year-old Aidan Thompson is greatly looking forward to the annual opportunity to spend an entire morning whacking his sister with a palm branch.
 
Family, friends, and legal advisors of President Donald Trump were confused after learning Trump used his one phone call to contact Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and berate him from his location in a New York jail.
Family, friends, and legal advisors of President Donald Trump were confused after learning Trump used his one phone call to contact Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and berate him from his location in a New York jail.
 
Scientists have concluded a years-long study confirming the indisputable correlation between people putting trust in their government and people also eating paint chips.
Scientists have concluded a years-long study confirming the indisputable correlation between people putting trust in their government and people also eating paint chips.
 
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