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Babylon Bee's Entries

Local wife Leslie Parks bid her family a tearful goodbye after noticing a small dot on her shoulder that would undoubtedly prove to be terminal skin cancer.
Local wife Leslie Parks bid her family a tearful goodbye after noticing a small dot on her shoulder that would undoubtedly prove to be terminal skin cancer.
 
Newly uncovered evidence shows that the walls of Jericho crumbled to the ground right after Joshua finished playing an absolutely boss saxophone solo.
Newly uncovered evidence shows that the walls of Jericho crumbled to the ground right after Joshua finished playing an absolutely boss saxophone solo.
 
The Lord of Darkness dropped by Congress to offer testimony on behalf of his favorite app, TikTok.
The Lord of Darkness dropped by Congress to offer testimony on behalf of his favorite app, TikTok.
 
As the legal drama surrounding former President Donald Trump's alleged inappropriate payments of "hush money" to adult film star Stormy Daniels years ago continues, the son of current President Joe Biden has been left frustrated after hearing about the concept of "hush money"
As the legal drama surrounding former President Donald Trump's alleged inappropriate payments of "hush money" to adult film star Stormy Daniels years ago continues, the son of current President Joe Biden has been left frustrated after hearing about the concept of "hush money"
 
A local man's heart was finally apprehended by the Almighty God today, as he humbled himself and turned to the Lord in prayer while sitting in his seat on an airplane and seeing an obese man with his stomach hanging out from his shirt making his way down the aisle.
A local man's heart was finally apprehended by the Almighty God today, as he humbled himself and turned to the Lord in prayer while sitting in his seat on an airplane and seeing an obese man with his stomach hanging out from his shirt making his way down the aisle.
 
America has long been an example to the world but has finally caught Russia's attention with its system of prosecuting political opponents. According to reports, President Vladimir Putin is actively considering restructuring Russia's Ministry of Justice to follow suit.
America has long been an example to the world but has finally caught Russia's attention with its system of prosecuting political opponents. According to reports, President Vladimir Putin is actively considering restructuring Russia's Ministry of Justice to follow suit.
 
According to reports, hundreds of thousands of people have fled California in recent years, citing minor annoyances like aggressive homeless people, increased violent crime, and crippling taxes.
According to reports, hundreds of thousands of people have fled California in recent years, citing minor annoyances like aggressive homeless people, increased violent crime, and crippling taxes.
 
Passengers boarding American Airlines flight 467 from Dallas to Chicago were welcomed by pilot Walter Kerry, who quickly assured them that he was not a diversity hire.
Passengers boarding American Airlines flight 467 from Dallas to Chicago were welcomed by pilot Walter Kerry, who quickly assured them that he was not a diversity hire.
 
PALM BEACH, FL — As rumors continue to filter in that Manhattan D.A. Alvin Bragg's attempt to indict former President Donald Trump is falling apart, a new report has indicated Trump's team of attorneys is seeking to exploit a little-known legal loophole
PALM BEACH, FL — As rumors continue to filter in that Manhattan D.A. Alvin Bragg's attempt to indict former President Donald Trump is falling apart, a new report has indicated Trump's team of attorneys is seeking to exploit a little-known legal loophole
 
According to sources, local Gen Z girl Katniss Smith spent over 2 hours today painstakingly eliminating all capital letters and punctuation from various texts and social media posts to make it appear like she wasn't trying too hard.
According to sources, local Gen Z girl Katniss Smith spent over 2 hours today painstakingly eliminating all capital letters and punctuation from various texts and social media posts to make it appear like she wasn't trying too hard.
 
Amid increasing criticism that "Ron DeSanctimonious" is a terrible nickname for Florida governor and possible Presidential rival Ron DeSantis, former President Donald Trump has taken to ChatGPT to help him with brainstorming for better DeSantis nicknames.
Amid increasing criticism that "Ron DeSanctimonious" is a terrible nickname for Florida governor and possible Presidential rival Ron DeSantis, former President Donald Trump has taken to ChatGPT to help him with brainstorming for better DeSantis nicknames.
 
As TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew faced questioning from the House Committee on Energy and Commerce on Capitol Hill, leaders from the United States government issued strong demands that TikTok stop spying on American citizens because that's the government's job.
As TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew faced questioning from the House Committee on Energy and Commerce on Capitol Hill, leaders from the United States government issued strong demands that TikTok stop spying on American citizens because that's the government's job.
 
The news world has been set aflame by the potential indictment of Donald J. Trump for the crime of extreme patriotism. While the New York City grand jury deliberates, let's take a look at how this is being covered by the media.
The news world has been set aflame by the potential indictment of Donald J. Trump for the crime of extreme patriotism. While the New York City grand jury deliberates, let's take a look at how this is being covered by the media.
 
District Attorney Alvin Bragg is reportedly set to indict Trump this coming Tuesday for the removal of a mattress tag back in 1997.
District Attorney Alvin Bragg is reportedly set to indict Trump this coming Tuesday for the removal of a mattress tag back in 1997.
 
While testifying on Capitol Hill, TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew repeatedly warned members of Congress that any decision to ban the app would allow children to grow up to become functional, happy adults.
While testifying on Capitol Hill, TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew repeatedly warned members of Congress that any decision to ban the app would allow children to grow up to become functional, happy adults.
 
The indictment of Trump by Alvin Bragg is in disarray this morning after the Manhattan DA was unable to find enough grand jurists awesome enough to be legally considered Trump's peers.
The indictment of Trump by Alvin Bragg is in disarray this morning after the Manhattan DA was unable to find enough grand jurists awesome enough to be legally considered Trump's peers.
 
After a recent all-night HBO binge session, Dr. Anthony Fauci reportedly called up his friends at the Wuhan Institute to see if they could make him a batch of that gnarly zombie fungus from the series The Last of Us.
After a recent all-night HBO binge session, Dr. Anthony Fauci reportedly called up his friends at the Wuhan Institute to see if they could make him a batch of that gnarly zombie fungus from the series The Last of Us.
 
In a stunning development resulting from the faltering of the United States banking system, banks have now begun calling their customers and asking for loans. According to reports, thousands of desperate bankers have called up lendees to ask for a few bucks.
In a stunning development resulting from the faltering of the United States banking system, banks have now begun calling their customers and asking for loans. According to reports, thousands of desperate bankers have called up lendees to ask for a few bucks.
 
Florida Governor and presumptive 2024 Presidential candidate Ron DeSantis has faced increasing questions about his electability amid damning allegations that during a private flight in 2019, he found himself without a spoon and still proceeded to consume a pudding cup with 3 fingers. Horrifying!
Florida Governor and presumptive 2024 Presidential candidate Ron DeSantis has faced increasing questions about his electability amid damning allegations that during a private flight in 2019, he found himself without a spoon and still proceeded to consume a pudding cup with 3 fingers. Horrifying!
 
The reign of cable news giant Fox News may have come to an end after top brass made a possibly-disastrous hiring decision, causing ratings for the nation's most popular news channel to plummet with the hiring of a non-blonde anchor with no cleavage.
The reign of cable news giant Fox News may have come to an end after top brass made a possibly-disastrous hiring decision, causing ratings for the nation's most popular news channel to plummet with the hiring of a non-blonde anchor with no cleavage.
 
A local teacher was forced to schedule a conference with a student's parents to express growing concern that their young son Johnny is not transitioning up to his full potential.
A local teacher was forced to schedule a conference with a student's parents to express growing concern that their young son Johnny is not transitioning up to his full potential.
 
Tensions rose between a local couple today after a woman texted her husband to ask him to pick up a mobile Target order for her on his way home from work, to which he replied "Ok." Reports indicated she was not at all happy with the tone of his "Ok" response.
Tensions rose between a local couple today after a woman texted her husband to ask him to pick up a mobile Target order for her on his way home from work, to which he replied "Ok." Reports indicated she was not at all happy with the tone of his "Ok" response.
 
Liberal activist Sharon Welch declared today that she was "literally living in Nazi Germany" after parents removed pornographic material from an elementary school library.
Liberal activist Sharon Welch declared today that she was "literally living in Nazi Germany" after parents removed pornographic material from an elementary school library.
 
In a press conference held in support of Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg yesterday, Democrats vowed to arrest as many political opponents as it would take to defeat fascism.
In a press conference held in support of Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg yesterday, Democrats vowed to arrest as many political opponents as it would take to defeat fascism.
 
Morale at the FBI has reportedly never been higher because agents no longer have to travel abroad to turn countries into banana republics.
Morale at the FBI has reportedly never been higher because agents no longer have to travel abroad to turn countries into banana republics.
 
Results of a new study have confirmed that the number of "true crime" podcasts produced has officially surpassed the number of actual murders in the world, per capita.
Results of a new study have confirmed that the number of "true crime" podcasts produced has officially surpassed the number of actual murders in the world, per capita.
 
In what the media and political experts are hailing as an ingenious move, President Joe Biden has announced a plan to offer "hush money" to 330 million Americans so they won't tell anyone how bad he's doing as President.
In what the media and political experts are hailing as an ingenious move, President Joe Biden has announced a plan to offer "hush money" to 330 million Americans so they won't tell anyone how bad he's doing as President.
 
At what some are calling a modern-day ecumenical council, it was declared that man crushes on former Man of Steel actor Henry Cavill do not disqualify the soul from its heavenly reward and are decidedly "not gay."
At what some are calling a modern-day ecumenical council, it was declared that man crushes on former Man of Steel actor Henry Cavill do not disqualify the soul from its heavenly reward and are decidedly "not gay."
 
U.S. — Liberals unable to define the words "man" or "woman" have angrily demanded conservatives give a singular definition of a term recently made up by liberals.
U.S. — Liberals unable to define the words "man" or "woman" have angrily demanded conservatives give a singular definition of a term recently made up by liberals.
 
While Dave Ramsey purists have long touted the importance of following his strict budgeting plan as written, one Southern California family has taken an innovative approach: calling it "Dave Ramsey Lite," where they just avoid budgeting altogether and spend well beyond their means.
While Dave Ramsey purists have long touted the importance of following his strict budgeting plan as written, one Southern California family has taken an innovative approach: calling it "Dave Ramsey Lite," where they just avoid budgeting altogether and spend well beyond their means.
 
Tourists have flocked to the Holy Land to behold the newly-unearthed projector Paul used to play Braveheart clips during sermons.
Tourists have flocked to the Holy Land to behold the newly-unearthed projector Paul used to play Braveheart clips during sermons.
 
Representatives from the trans community across the nation are reporting record levels of feeling "extremely unsafe" due to the knowledge that somewhere out there, a hockey player might not be wearing a pride jersey.
Representatives from the trans community across the nation are reporting record levels of feeling "extremely unsafe" due to the knowledge that somewhere out there, a hockey player might not be wearing a pride jersey.
 
After collecting each person's offering this morning, ushers at Second Baptist Church proceeded to flip around an iPad to ask congregants if they would also like to include a tip.
After collecting each person's offering this morning, ushers at Second Baptist Church proceeded to flip around an iPad to ask congregants if they would also like to include a tip.
 
After being alerted to a possible indictment of former President Trump, law enforcement scrambled to try to find handcuffs big enough to fit his unbelievably massive hands.
After being alerted to a possible indictment of former President Trump, law enforcement scrambled to try to find handcuffs big enough to fit his unbelievably massive hands.
 
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