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Babylon Bee's Entries

Having had enough of their bickering, Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing flew back to the States in order to force Ben Shapiro and Candace Owens to wear their get-along shirt until the two can play nice, sources confirmed over the weekend.
Having had enough of their bickering, Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing flew back to the States in order to force Ben Shapiro and Candace Owens to wear their get-along shirt until the two can play nice, sources confirmed over the weekend.
 
Amid charges that Elon Musk's social media app "X" has become a dangerous breeding ground for speech Communists don't like, Apple CEO Tim Cook has elected to pull all Apple advertising from the platform.
Amid charges that Elon Musk's social media app "X" has become a dangerous breeding ground for speech Communists don't like, Apple CEO Tim Cook has elected to pull all Apple advertising from the platform.
 
In an unexpected move, First Baptist Church of Gastonia has scored a tremendous coup for next spring's local church softball league by signing superstar outfielder/pitcher Shohei Otani to a lucrative 10-year, $600 million contract.
In an unexpected move, First Baptist Church of Gastonia has scored a tremendous coup for next spring's local church softball league by signing superstar outfielder/pitcher Shohei Otani to a lucrative 10-year, $600 million contract.
 
Local college student Brenda Thurgood was overheard whispering, "I'm on the right side of history" while ogling posters of Stalin, Hitler, and Osama Bin Laden plastered on her dorm room wall.
Local college student Brenda Thurgood was overheard whispering, "I'm on the right side of history" while ogling posters of Stalin, Hitler, and Osama Bin Laden plastered on her dorm room wall.
 
National fast-food chain Jack in the Box was forced to declare bankruptcy today immediately after news broke that hip hop artist Snoop Dogg announced he is giving up smoking weed.
National fast-food chain Jack in the Box was forced to declare bankruptcy today immediately after news broke that hip hop artist Snoop Dogg announced he is giving up smoking weed.
 
The world is in shock today after the father of lies abruptly stepped down from his role as "the adversary." The Devil credited the astonishing performance of TikTok, an invention he reportedly developed together with his business partner Xi Jinping.
The world is in shock today after the father of lies abruptly stepped down from his role as "the adversary." The Devil credited the astonishing performance of TikTok, an invention he reportedly developed together with his business partner Xi Jinping.
 
Republicans are back in the driver's seat in the House of Representatives, which means wild and excessive government spending will finally be brought under control. The GOP is vowing to do whatever is necessary to balance the books in Washington.
Republicans are back in the driver's seat in the House of Representatives, which means wild and excessive government spending will finally be brought under control. The GOP is vowing to do whatever is necessary to balance the books in Washington.
 
A teenage member of Generation Z, whose name is sealed by court records, was persuaded to attend several therapy sessions after her parents grew concerned with her lack of anxiety or depression.
A teenage member of Generation Z, whose name is sealed by court records, was persuaded to attend several therapy sessions after her parents grew concerned with her lack of anxiety or depression.
 
In an announcement sure to cause celebration across the nation, food chain Chick-fil-A has unveiled plans to add a tire rotation, oil change, car wash, and tax preparation services to their astoundingly efficient drive-thru lanes.
In an announcement sure to cause celebration across the nation, food chain Chick-fil-A has unveiled plans to add a tire rotation, oil change, car wash, and tax preparation services to their astoundingly efficient drive-thru lanes.
 
According to sources, several sightings of an Osama Bin Laden poster in the style of the classic Obama "HOPE" poster have been reported at universities across America.
According to sources, several sightings of an Osama Bin Laden poster in the style of the classic Obama "HOPE" poster have been reported at universities across America.
 
In a clever ruse to trick Governor Gavin Newsom into keeping cities and streets clean all the time, Californians set up a dummy of Chinese President Xi outside Gavin Newsom's office.
In a clever ruse to trick Governor Gavin Newsom into keeping cities and streets clean all the time, Californians set up a dummy of Chinese President Xi outside Gavin Newsom's office.
 
Formerly in production for Daily Wire's Bentkey video service, an upcoming remake of The Little Mermaid starring Candance Owens has quietly been canceled.
Formerly in production for Daily Wire's Bentkey video service, an upcoming remake of The Little Mermaid starring Candance Owens has quietly been canceled.
 
Harvard University, long viewed as one of the most prestigious learning institutions in the world, ushered in a new era of education today by appointing Kanye West as its new Dean of Students.
Harvard University, long viewed as one of the most prestigious learning institutions in the world, ushered in a new era of education today by appointing Kanye West as its new Dean of Students.
 
The most honorable and benevolent Supreme Leader of the glorious Chinese Empire arrived in San Francisco this week to inspect his newest colony in The Americas.
The most honorable and benevolent Supreme Leader of the glorious Chinese Empire arrived in San Francisco this week to inspect his newest colony in The Americas.
 
Target executives announced this week the most intersectional Santa decoration ever, a limbless and not-so-jolly blob of an elf.
Target executives announced this week the most intersectional Santa decoration ever, a limbless and not-so-jolly blob of an elf.
 
After spending five minutes in the room with President Biden, President Xi Jinping made the call to go ahead and invade Taiwan.
After spending five minutes in the room with President Biden, President Xi Jinping made the call to go ahead and invade Taiwan.
 
HALLE, DUCHY OF MADEBURG — A band of rowdy concert-goers took to heckling Baroque master George Frederich Handel and his orchestra at the group's reunion tour over the weekend.
HALLE, DUCHY OF MADEBURG — A band of rowdy concert-goers took to heckling Baroque master George Frederich Handel and his orchestra at the group's reunion tour over the weekend.
 
After years of training to be a pilot for the Rebel Alliance, eager young pilot Nej Berik was devastated to discover he had been assigned to fly the totally lame B-wing fighter.
After years of training to be a pilot for the Rebel Alliance, eager young pilot Nej Berik was devastated to discover he had been assigned to fly the totally lame B-wing fighter.
 
DENTWOOD, IA — Sources at the Mannfred household confirmed Monday that 35-year-old Kurt Mannfred's stack of Christmas gifts was "virtually indistinguishable" from the sort of presents that would have been given to a 9-year-old boy.
DENTWOOD, IA — Sources at the Mannfred household confirmed Monday that 35-year-old Kurt Mannfred's stack of Christmas gifts was "virtually indistinguishable" from the sort of presents that would have been given to a 9-year-old boy.
 
TORONTO — In what is sure to become a beloved, time-honored holiday tradition, a local toy company has introduced its new "Jordan Peterson on the Shelf" doll that will sit and watch you to make sure you keep your room clean like a decent, mature adult.
TORONTO — In what is sure to become a beloved, time-honored holiday tradition, a local toy company has introduced its new "Jordan Peterson on the Shelf" doll that will sit and watch you to make sure you keep your room clean like a decent, mature adult.
 
Local man Ahmed Ghazali was at Al-Shifa hospital for a colonoscopy this morning when he became a little unsure about the gastroenterologist strapped with explosives and wielding a grenade launcher.
Local man Ahmed Ghazali was at Al-Shifa hospital for a colonoscopy this morning when he became a little unsure about the gastroenterologist strapped with explosives and wielding a grenade launcher.
 
It's November! That means it's almost December, which means it's almost 2024, which means it'll eventually be election time.
It's November! That means it's almost December, which means it's almost 2024, which means it'll eventually be election time.
 
Baptist Publishing House has announced the publication of a new English translation of the Bible, the New Baptist Version or NBV, which helpfully replaces all instances of the word ‘hell' with ‘heck'.
Baptist Publishing House has announced the publication of a new English translation of the Bible, the New Baptist Version or NBV, which helpfully replaces all instances of the word ‘hell' with ‘heck'.
 
On the freshly scented avenues of San Francisco, a summit was held today between one of the most feared communist dictators in the world and President Xi.
On the freshly scented avenues of San Francisco, a summit was held today between one of the most feared communist dictators in the world and President Xi.
 
In a groundbreaking study conducted by the Institute of Essential Masculinity, researchers have discovered that the key to a man's happiness is a simple yet effective solution: regular flyovers by the iconic A-10 Warthog.
In a groundbreaking study conducted by the Institute of Essential Masculinity, researchers have discovered that the key to a man's happiness is a simple yet effective solution: regular flyovers by the iconic A-10 Warthog.
 
Immediately after Argentinians did the unthinkable and elected an actual libertarian to an actual political office, a shipful of libertarian immigrants was seen departing a New Hampshire port Monday morning "in search of a better life in the New World of Argentina."
Immediately after Argentinians did the unthinkable and elected an actual libertarian to an actual political office, a shipful of libertarian immigrants was seen departing a New Hampshire port Monday morning "in search of a better life in the New World of Argentina."
 
Marriage experts now confirm that a husband reminding his wife that the Bible says she should submit to him leads to the happiest marriages.
Marriage experts now confirm that a husband reminding his wife that the Bible says she should submit to him leads to the happiest marriages.
 
In the wake of the devastating fire that resulted in the closing of the 10 freeway, California Governor Gavin Newsom revealed investigators found evidence that the blaze was caused by climate change.
In the wake of the devastating fire that resulted in the closing of the 10 freeway, California Governor Gavin Newsom revealed investigators found evidence that the blaze was caused by climate change.
 
Facing critics over their 4-3 decision to remove Trump from the presidential ballot in 2024, Colorado's Supreme Court insisted it was a necessary step due to concerns the usual election rigging system could fail.
Facing critics over their 4-3 decision to remove Trump from the presidential ballot in 2024, Colorado's Supreme Court insisted it was a necessary step due to concerns the usual election rigging system could fail.
 
As reports began to come out that Israeli Defense Forces had discovered a Hamas weapons depot hidden in a Gaza children's hospital, a spokesman for Hamas was adamant that all of the AK-47s found in the hospital were for medicinal use only.
As reports began to come out that Israeli Defense Forces had discovered a Hamas weapons depot hidden in a Gaza children's hospital, a spokesman for Hamas was adamant that all of the AK-47s found in the hospital were for medicinal use only.
 
LOS ANGELES, CA — As emergency crews continued to investigate the cause of the fire that damaged the 10 freeway in downtown L.A., a new report indicates the blaze occurred as the result of a plan created by Governor Gavin Newsom
LOS ANGELES, CA — As emergency crews continued to investigate the cause of the fire that damaged the 10 freeway in downtown L.A., a new report indicates the blaze occurred as the result of a plan created by Governor Gavin Newsom
 
Do you think getting a job as a Harvard University professor is unattainable? Think again! Though Harvard is among the most prestigious and highly regarded institutions of higher learning in the world, a teaching position might be within your grasp.
Do you think getting a job as a Harvard University professor is unattainable? Think again! Though Harvard is among the most prestigious and highly regarded institutions of higher learning in the world, a teaching position might be within your grasp.
 
A local man had his entire worldview radically altered today, coming to a revelatory new conclusion on geopolitical affairs after being stuck in traffic for three hours due to protesters blocking the freeway.
A local man had his entire worldview radically altered today, coming to a revelatory new conclusion on geopolitical affairs after being stuck in traffic for three hours due to protesters blocking the freeway.
 
In an effort to smooth things over with the Jewish community after baristas voiced support for Hamas, coffee giant Starbucks has begun to give Jewish customers a little something extra by placing a yellow star sticker on their coffee cups.
In an effort to smooth things over with the Jewish community after baristas voiced support for Hamas, coffee giant Starbucks has begun to give Jewish customers a little something extra by placing a yellow star sticker on their coffee cups.
 
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