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Babylon Bee's Entries

In what has become one of the city's most cherished traditions, San Francisco residents gathered this evening for the ceremonial lighting of the giant crack pipe.
In what has become one of the city's most cherished traditions, San Francisco residents gathered this evening for the ceremonial lighting of the giant crack pipe.
 
Overlooked in the chaotic situation that unfolded in recent days, Irish citizens made history as they engaged in violent rioting while completely sober for the first time ever.
Overlooked in the chaotic situation that unfolded in recent days, Irish citizens made history as they engaged in violent rioting while completely sober for the first time ever.
 
Moviegoers were dismayed to learn the new release Napoleon is about some French guy instead of an eccentric young llama owner with an affinity for tots.
Moviegoers were dismayed to learn the new release Napoleon is about some French guy instead of an eccentric young llama owner with an affinity for tots.
 
Elon Musk has decided to put the near-invincible armor of the Cybertruck to the ultimate test by attempting a drive directly through downtown Chicago.
Elon Musk has decided to put the near-invincible armor of the Cybertruck to the ultimate test by attempting a drive directly through downtown Chicago.
 
An NFL game almost became watchable today, but was saved at the last moment by veteran referee John Ross.
An NFL game almost became watchable today, but was saved at the last moment by veteran referee John Ross.
 
President Biden expressed his support for African American history at a kick-off celebration for Black History Month by telling those gathered he believes black history is just as important as normal people history.
President Biden expressed his support for African American history at a kick-off celebration for Black History Month by telling those gathered he believes black history is just as important as normal people history.
 
SHANGHAI — In response to some confusion around China's ongoing ban on Bibles, President Xi called a press conference to confirm an exception to his prohibition on God's Holy Word will be made for a popular version known as "The Message."
SHANGHAI — In response to some confusion around China's ongoing ban on Bibles, President Xi called a press conference to confirm an exception to his prohibition on God's Holy Word will be made for a popular version known as "The Message."
 
According to sources embedded within the Baxter residence, local teenage son Matt Jennings casually asked his mother what she was cooking for dinner just 20 minutes after consuming approximately 50,000 calories at the family's 3 P.M. Thanksgiving dinner.
According to sources embedded within the Baxter residence, local teenage son Matt Jennings casually asked his mother what she was cooking for dinner just 20 minutes after consuming approximately 50,000 calories at the family's 3 P.M. Thanksgiving dinner.
 
It happens to all of us: you sit down around the dinner table with your family, thank God for the turkey, and just as you're about to take a bite of grandma's delicious cheesy potato dish, your crazy uncle starts ranting about how the Fellowship could have just taken the Eagles to Mordor.
It happens to all of us: you sit down around the dinner table with your family, thank God for the turkey, and just as you're about to take a bite of grandma's delicious cheesy potato dish, your crazy uncle starts ranting about how the Fellowship could have just taken the Eagles to Mordor.
 
Atheists around America spent the day sitting patiently around dining room tables waiting for a wonderful Thanksgiving meal to materialize itself from nothing.
Atheists around America spent the day sitting patiently around dining room tables waiting for a wonderful Thanksgiving meal to materialize itself from nothing.
 
A group of men pretending to be women were invited to the Vatican today to share a special lunch with a man pretending to be Catholic.
A group of men pretending to be women were invited to the Vatican today to share a special lunch with a man pretending to be Catholic.
 
A local man found himself embroiled in a personal crisis today as he prepared to take his traditional trip to an extended family Thanksgiving holiday after coming to the realization that he is, indeed, the "weird uncle" he's heard people talking about.
A local man found himself embroiled in a personal crisis today as he prepared to take his traditional trip to an extended family Thanksgiving holiday after coming to the realization that he is, indeed, the "weird uncle" he's heard people talking about.
 
Think Santa Claus is just some fictional character conjured up to take attention away from baby Jesus? WRONG!
Think Santa Claus is just some fictional character conjured up to take attention away from baby Jesus? WRONG!
 
A local man undid an entire year's worth of diet and physical activity over the course of one single hour during his family's Thanksgiving meal.
A local man undid an entire year's worth of diet and physical activity over the course of one single hour during his family's Thanksgiving meal.
 
Terrorists moronically attempted to enter the United States through its northern border today instead of simply strolling across the wide-open southern border.
Terrorists moronically attempted to enter the United States through its northern border today instead of simply strolling across the wide-open southern border.
 
In response to criticism about the high prices of food as the holiday season approaches, the Biden administration assured American families that the cost of Thanksgiving dinner is actually down significantly this year
In response to criticism about the high prices of food as the holiday season approaches, the Biden administration assured American families that the cost of Thanksgiving dinner is actually down significantly this year
 
Under Joe Biden, the FBI is laser-focused on hunting down the most dangerous people in the country, the worst of the worst. And now, they need your help! It is time for every American to do their part and keep a lookout for these horrendous villains, the FBI's Top 10 Most Wanted:
Under Joe Biden, the FBI is laser-focused on hunting down the most dangerous people in the country, the worst of the worst. And now, they need your help! It is time for every American to do their part and keep a lookout for these horrendous villains, the FBI's Top 10 Most Wanted:
 
After handing $100 million to terrorists hellbent on killing Jews, the White House today accused Elon Musk of being an antisemite over a social media post.
After handing $100 million to terrorists hellbent on killing Jews, the White House today accused Elon Musk of being an antisemite over a social media post.
 
Following an inspiring last-place finish in the 2024 New Hampshire Republican primary, former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley celebrated getting more votes in a GOP primary than any other Democrat in history.
Following an inspiring last-place finish in the 2024 New Hampshire Republican primary, former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley celebrated getting more votes in a GOP primary than any other Democrat in history.
 
It can be so confusing, trying to figure out which of the 437 Christian denominations you want to join. In fact, scientists believe there are almost as many denominations as there are genders. That's a lot of different ways to do church!
It can be so confusing, trying to figure out which of the 437 Christian denominations you want to join. In fact, scientists believe there are almost as many denominations as there are genders. That's a lot of different ways to do church!
 
As public interest in getting the COVID-19 vaccine fell to a new low, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that it will now be upping its incentive to giving 2 free donuts to anyone who takes the shot.
As public interest in getting the COVID-19 vaccine fell to a new low, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that it will now be upping its incentive to giving 2 free donuts to anyone who takes the shot.
 
In a promising development for over 230 innocent civilians held captive in Gaza, Chief Ismail Haniyeh extended an offer to release all the hostages. In exchange, he has asked for the nation of Israel to no longer exist.
In a promising development for over 230 innocent civilians held captive in Gaza, Chief Ismail Haniyeh extended an offer to release all the hostages. In exchange, he has asked for the nation of Israel to no longer exist.
 
According to sources, a local family has gathered for their annual tradition of putting up Christmas tree decorations that their mother will move to the correct spots immediately after everyone walks away.
According to sources, a local family has gathered for their annual tradition of putting up Christmas tree decorations that their mother will move to the correct spots immediately after everyone walks away.
 
As President Joe Biden celebrated his 81st birthday, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre made the bold pronouncement that Biden is officially the youngest president in the nation's history.
As President Joe Biden celebrated his 81st birthday, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre made the bold pronouncement that Biden is officially the youngest president in the nation's history.
 
It's been quite a rollercoaster the last few years. Everywhere you turn, you find more reasons to distrust the authorities that oversee our lives. At least we can trust the big pharmaceutical companies that work so hard to keep us alive and well, right? Right?!
It's been quite a rollercoaster the last few years. Everywhere you turn, you find more reasons to distrust the authorities that oversee our lives. At least we can trust the big pharmaceutical companies that work so hard to keep us alive and well, right? Right?!
 
In a shocking turn of events, the Epstein List was found hanging in a secure document storage facility this morning, according to local authorities.
In a shocking turn of events, the Epstein List was found hanging in a secure document storage facility this morning, according to local authorities.
 
Sources across the country indicated that with the joyous start of the Kwanzaa season, white liberals all over the nation began wishing each other a happy Kwanzaa.
Sources across the country indicated that with the joyous start of the Kwanzaa season, white liberals all over the nation began wishing each other a happy Kwanzaa.
 
Even though it reads like a headline from The Babylon Bee, it's unfortunately very real.
Even though it reads like a headline from The Babylon Bee, it's unfortunately very real.
 
A catastrophic tragedy has befallen the former socialist utopia of Argentina as 1 billion citizens have already died due to Libertarian candidate Javier Milei being elected president.
A catastrophic tragedy has befallen the former socialist utopia of Argentina as 1 billion citizens have already died due to Libertarian candidate Javier Milei being elected president.
 
Following the release of additional January 6 security footage, FBI Director Christopher Wray announced that the bureau would record 44,000 hours of live commentary for a special extended edition release on DVD.
Following the release of additional January 6 security footage, FBI Director Christopher Wray announced that the bureau would record 44,000 hours of live commentary for a special extended edition release on DVD.
 
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas issued an impassioned plea at the U.N. this week, begging Western powers for aid to help hospitals in Gaza, which he says are running dangerously low on ammunition.
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas issued an impassioned plea at the U.N. this week, begging Western powers for aid to help hospitals in Gaza, which he says are running dangerously low on ammunition.
 
Pastor Donald Rogers of Second Baptist Birmingham started today's service by unveiling a new church disclaimer that any lyrics about lifting up your hands should be understood as strictly metaphorical.
Pastor Donald Rogers of Second Baptist Birmingham started today's service by unveiling a new church disclaimer that any lyrics about lifting up your hands should be understood as strictly metaphorical.
 
Local t-ball player Luther Haddox locked up his team's "Most Valuable Player" award after running somewhat in the general direction of first base.
Local t-ball player Luther Haddox locked up his team's "Most Valuable Player" award after running somewhat in the general direction of first base.
 
These days, it can be hard to tell if the hospital you're at is also a staging ground for Islamist terrorists to commit mass murder! We at the Babylon Bee have assembled a list of ten subtle clues to help you discern if the hospital you're at is actually a Hamas base:
These days, it can be hard to tell if the hospital you're at is also a staging ground for Islamist terrorists to commit mass murder! We at the Babylon Bee have assembled a list of ten subtle clues to help you discern if the hospital you're at is actually a Hamas base:
 
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