Be On Your Guard: Watch Out For These 12 Dangerous Cults | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    The Bible tells us to be on our guard against people who preach a different gospel. Let them be accursed, Paul says. Wow, that's pretty savage, Paul! Here are twelve dangerous cults to watch out for:

    1. CrossFit - One of the most popular fitness cults in the world. Don't drink the low-calorie, high-protein Kool-Aid!

    2. Essential oils - These dangerous witches brew their Satanic concoctions from tiny bottles of dark magic. Many housewives are succumbing to their demonic wiles.

    3. Doctor Who fandom - Stay far away.

    4. Blue Oyster - Their main teaching is not to fear the reaper, which seems foolish. The reaper can kill you!

    5. Climate change alarmists - These crazy wackos are always predicting the end of the world, shouting at passersby on street corners that the end is near. Loonies!

    6. Reformed bros with beards and craft beer - Their theology may not be cultish, but any group wearing that much matching flannel is definitely sus.

    7. Jordan Peterson fans - Characterized by eating lots of elk meat, cleaning their rooms religiously, and hosting back-alley lobster fights.

    8. Toyota Tacoma drivers - It consumes their entire personality.

    9. The weirdos still wearing masks - At least you can spot these cult members from a mile away so you can keep your distance.

    10. People who main Jigglypuff in Smash Bros. - This cult is real and it's so destructive. Jigglypuuuuuuuuuuff!!!

    11. Californians - Ugh. Californians.

    12. People who believe this entire universe was created from nothing and all life magically came from sludge - No amount of reasoning can convince these zealots otherwise.

    If any of these cults knocks on your door and asks if you have time to discuss their ideas, slam the door in their face!