Man With 74 Things To Do Settles For Doing Nothing | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    PEPIN, WI     Local man Robert Thurdriftle took the day off work to tackle some of the 74 different things he had to do but, after puzzling about what to do first, eventually settled on doing nothing.

    "Sorry, I can't talk now! Got lots to do!" Thurdriftle told neighbors before sitting down on the couch to binge-watch old episodes of Home Improvement.

    One local expert theorized that Thurdriftle may have been so overwhelmed with his duties that he couldn't function. "We call it being melodramatic," he said. "Many losers suffer from it. This is a particularly terrible case."

    At publishing time, Thurdriftle still had to paint his house, re-shingle the roof, mow the lawn, pick up his kids from school, buy his wife an anniversary gift, become a baker, call his doctor, build a pond, buy some milk, replace the burned out bulb in the hallway, turn the light switch rightside up, organize the tool shed, help Harry with his homework, paint the kid's room, move the fridge three inches, take out the trash, take out the recycling, throw out the failed compost pile, shred junk mail, balance the budget, research the best route to Yellowstone, send a letter to Kevin Costner, pay the phone bill, eat a cactus, develop a small town with his friend Destro, solve nuclear fusion, go to the locksmith, go to the drug store, take kids to soccer practice, get the oil changed in the pickup, get the transmission changed in the sedan, go to the gas station, buy a lotto ticket, feed the lizard, search the internet for a phone deal that doesn't exist, pick up lumber for the cabinet project, build the cabinet, have winter tires installed, call the plumber, ask Jezebel what's for dinner, read Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six for the book club, look up what "comsat" means, go hunting with Frank, hide the body, hang a shelf in the closet, finish reading book on feng shui, return the book because it has nothing to do with martial arts, move the dresser against the south wall, cut down the tree that killed his father, visit mom, call the TV repairman, pick up dry cleaning, meet with lawyers about stolen intellectual property, buy a new hammer, solve the mystery of the missing clock, open the chest of dreams, build a rope swing for the kids, decontaminate hyperbaric chamber, plan surprise party, call Liz about the cake, pick up pepto bismol, clean hamster cage, walk the dog, trim hedges, buy a new tool box, reconfigure the donut matrix, write wife a love letter, take John to karate, weave a blanket, go antiquing, eat secret dinner before real dinner, oil the front gate, call Charles about fence dispute, and throw out the old couch.

    Experts believe he will commit to tackling his list after finishing season three of Home Improvement.
Go Back

Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )

New Disney CEO Promises To Make Child Grooming Slightly Less Obvious Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics FBI Closely Monitoring Gathering Of Christian Nationalists


Latest Op-Ed & Politics

legislation requires schools to tell parents if child starts claiming a different gender
Hollywood star Gary Sinise knows being a conservative in Tinseltown isn’t easy, but acknowledged that he’s had a great career despite being outspoken about his political beliefs.
Sources inside Twitter headquarters have confirmed Elon Musk and his team of brilliant engineers have been working tirelessly to get Twitter back to its normal state of allowing Twitter user Catturd to go viral.
U.S. intelligence officials reportedly say that several Chinese spy balloons floated over U.S. soil under former President Donald Trump but “went undetected” at the time and officials only “discovered after” Trump left office that the balloons were Chinese surveillance.
If an academic field gets politicized, consider looking to its professional overseers.
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) is advocating for the quick removal of Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas as the illegal immigration crisis on the southern border shows no signs of slowing down.
The 2023 National Prayer Breakfast came to an abrupt and premature end today due to severe lightning that kept striking the building where the politicians were gathered.
If any three men have been most outspoken in their desire for peace between Ukraine and Russia, it has been former President Donald J. Trump, the Vicar of Christ Pope Francis, and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.
This week, U.S. Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) and his colleagues introduced a bill establishing a bipartisan, bicameral Joint Select Committee on Afghanistan to conduct a full investigation into President Biden’s failed and tragic withdrawal of U.S. forces from Afghanistan.


"This is not about woke-ism or mandates on job creators, it’s an effort to ensure fair and equal access to our financial system no matter your race, party affiliation, or political beliefs," Rep. Patrick McHenry, R-NC, in a statement to Carolina Journal.
House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer (R-KY) said during an interview Monday that President Joe Biden was under investigation for allegedly “influence peddling with our adversaries.”
Congressman Chuck Edwards (NC-11) issued the following statement today regarding China's suspected spy balloon traveling across the United States.
Robert Gates, former President Barack Obama’s Secretary of Defense, slammed politicians’ handling of classified information during an interview over the weekend where he also took a shot at President Joe Biden’s handling of the war in Ukraine.
compilation of 78 randomized control trials show masks are useless
Locals and Groundhog Day enthusiasts alike were caught off-guard today, as the eponymous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his burrow and declared to the crowd gathered at Gobbler's Knob that there was a cache of documents marked "Classified" in his underground home.
A Catholic pro-life activist facing 11 years in prison for allegedly violating a federal law prohibiting people from blocking others from entering an abortion clinic was acquitted on Monday following a week-long trial.
Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot was slammed after video showed her dancing in the street in Chicago’s Lunar New Year parade Sunday.


Several users of the remarkable software ChatGPT are reporting an apparent glitch that occurs whenever someone asks the AI to say something nice about Donald Trump.
A Senate Democrat is joining Republican colleagues in calling for an investigation into the suspected Chinese spy balloon currently hovering over the United States.
County boards of elections in North Carolina regularly remove voter registrations of people whom they confirm have died or moved out of the county
Federal prosecutors requested that former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried become subject to more restrictions during his pretrial release after he allegedly tried to tamper with a witness through the encrypted messaging platform Signal.
The N.C. Court of Appeals will decide in Zander v. Orange County whether the county must refund millions of dollars in school impact fees collected since 2009.
Secretary of State Antony Blinken reportedly told China’s Foreign Minister Wang Yi in a call on Friday that “the presence” of a suspected Chinese spy balloon in “U.S. airspace is a clear violation of U.S. sovereignty and international law.”
Local progressive and Anitfa member Declan Johnson has started to question his commitment to the communist revolution over concerns about a potential lack of gluten-free bread lines.


Back to Top