Bill Gates Buys Entire City Of East Palestine For 50 Bucks | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    EAST PALESTINE, OH     Following the February 3rd train derailment and subsequent chemical release and controlled burn in the area, it was announced that the entire city of East Palestine, Ohio has been purchased by billionaire tech mogul/philanthropist/civilization-reshaper Bill Gates for the low price of just 50 dollars.

    "I just couldn't pass up such a great deal, after this tragic, and totally accidental accident that wasn't caused by me," Gates said in a press release announcing the purchase. "By buying this city and all surrounding farmland at such a reasonable price, I can really invest in its restoration. Genetically modified agriculture, artificial meat substances, social engineering, experimental climate control measures...you name it. East Palestine can be my own little sandbox!"

    With the air, soil, and groundwater of East Palestine and the surrounding areas completely decimated by toxic chemical contamination, Gates was able to negotiate what experts are calling a once-in-a-lifetime deal. "He really picked the right place at the right time," said real estate agent Jennifer Dove. "I've heard of sweetheart real estate deals, but an entire city? At that price? I guess he'll have to deal with horribly mutated wildlife and unusable farmland, but wow! What a deal!"

    At publishing time, Gates was quick to dispel rumors that this was all some nefariously orchestrated plan to wipe out an entire region of rich agricultural land and swoop in to take control. "I in no way, shape, or form, had any prior knowledge about the ecological disaster," Gates said. "Yes, I may have consulted with tech firms and the local government to launch biometric surveillance of East Palestine's residents the week before the incident, but that was totally unrelated. Totally."
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Hunter Asks Dad To Pick Up His Paycheck As Long As He's In Kyiv Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics Pastor Who Preached 13 Minutes Over Time Pretty Sure This Is The Start Of Another Revival


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

One would think that the former Attorney General would have known better
illegal alien "asylum seeker" migrants are a crime wave on both sides of the Atlantic
UNC board committee votes unanimously to end DEI in UNC system
Police in the nation’s capital are not stopping illegal aliens who are driving around without license plates, according to a new report.
Davidaon County student suspended for using correct legal term for those in country illegally
Lawmakers and privacy experts on both sides of the political spectrum are sounding the alarm on a provision in a spy powers reform bill that one senator described as one of the “most terrifying expansions of government surveillance” in history
given to illegals in Mexico before they even get to US: NGOs connected to Mayorkas

HbAD1

committee gets enough valid signatures to force vote on removing Oakland, CA's Soros DA
other pro-terrorist protests in Chicago shout "Death to America" in Farsi
Only two of the so-called “three Johns” will be competing to replace Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) as leader of the Senate GOP.
House Judiciary Chair Jim Jordan (R-OH) is looking into whether GoFundMe and Eventbrite cooperated with federal law enforcement during their investigation into the financial transactions of supporters of former President Donald Trump.
Turkish diplomatic sources say he did
Popularity of government leader crashes, even among his own party members.

HbAD2

Wisconsin voters ban private money, nonprofits from the election process after 2020 ‘Zuckerbucks’ controversy; spotlight now on 22 states that still allow it.
6 month old baby fighting for life after mother killed; policewoman finally arrives, shoots knifeman
Far-left Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was mocked online late on Monday after video of her yelling at pro-Palestinian activists went viral.
Daily Wire Editor Emeritus Ben Shapiro, along with hosts Matt Walsh, Andrew Klavan, and company co-founder Jeremy Boreing discussed the state of the 2024 presidential election before President Joe Biden gave his State of the Union address on Thursday.
Lots of elements that have to be dug up with heavy fossil fuel vehicles

HbAD3

 
Back to Top