Bill Gates Buys Entire City Of East Palestine For 50 Bucks | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    EAST PALESTINE, OH     Following the February 3rd train derailment and subsequent chemical release and controlled burn in the area, it was announced that the entire city of East Palestine, Ohio has been purchased by billionaire tech mogul/philanthropist/civilization-reshaper Bill Gates for the low price of just 50 dollars.

    "I just couldn't pass up such a great deal, after this tragic, and totally accidental accident that wasn't caused by me," Gates said in a press release announcing the purchase. "By buying this city and all surrounding farmland at such a reasonable price, I can really invest in its restoration. Genetically modified agriculture, artificial meat substances, social engineering, experimental climate control measures...you name it. East Palestine can be my own little sandbox!"

    With the air, soil, and groundwater of East Palestine and the surrounding areas completely decimated by toxic chemical contamination, Gates was able to negotiate what experts are calling a once-in-a-lifetime deal. "He really picked the right place at the right time," said real estate agent Jennifer Dove. "I've heard of sweetheart real estate deals, but an entire city? At that price? I guess he'll have to deal with horribly mutated wildlife and unusable farmland, but wow! What a deal!"

    At publishing time, Gates was quick to dispel rumors that this was all some nefariously orchestrated plan to wipe out an entire region of rich agricultural land and swoop in to take control. "I in no way, shape, or form, had any prior knowledge about the ecological disaster," Gates said. "Yes, I may have consulted with tech firms and the local government to launch biometric surveillance of East Palestine's residents the week before the incident, but that was totally unrelated. Totally."
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Hunter Asks Dad To Pick Up His Paycheck As Long As He's In Kyiv Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics Pastor Who Preached 13 Minutes Over Time Pretty Sure This Is The Start Of Another Revival


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

“Tiger King” star Joe Exotic might be serving time in federal prison, but that is not stopping him from exploring his political ambitions — he’s announced a run for president in 2024.
RALEIGH: Today, Governor Roy Cooper, North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Kody H. Kinsley and NC Department of Military and Veterans Affairs Secretary LtGen Walter Gaskin toured the Creative Academy Early Learning Center in Goldsboro to highlight the (MCCYN)-PLUS
BlackRock CEO Larry Fink told investors on Wednesday that the asset management company views climate change as a risk to portfolio companies.
While at his first job interview with a prospective employer Thursday, local man Justin Rasberger was crestfallen to learn that "quoting Monty Python" does not count as relevant job experience, and in fact is not currently considered a "marketable skill" among employers.
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the social media company would dismiss 10,000 employees and cease efforts to fill 5,000 open roles amid economic turmoil and lackluster performance.
Deposits have grown by more than $15 billion in Charlotte-based bank as investors seek safer shelter for their money
Senators, including seven Republicans, voted on Wednesday to confirm President Joe Biden‘s nominee to serve as U.S. ambassador to India, embattled former Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti.
Many Americans are growing worried over the looming financial crisis as banks continue to close down due to lack of funds, a dilemma that kicked off over the weekend with a run on Silicon Valley Bank.
Russian officials shared plans to salvage the remains of a U.S. military drone that crashed into the Black Sea on Tuesday.

HbAD1

North Carolina Democrat Gov. Roy Cooper gave his fourth and final State of the State address Monday night to what appeared to be, at times, a divided room between Democrats and Republicans.
President Joe Biden expressed a strong degree of economic confidence even as the Consumer Price Index rose 6.0% between February 2022 and February 2023 and price pressures from household staples continued to worsen.
Executives at Silicon Valley Bank are reeling after learning one of the most brutal lessons in banking: if you invest your money irresponsibly, the government will just bail you out.
Fox News regular Geraldo Rivera voiced his frustration on Tuesday with Republicans who are continuing to investigate President Joe Biden’s embattled son Hunter, telling them to “put up or shut up.”
RALEIGH: Governor Roy Cooper announced North Carolina boards and commissions appointments and nominations today.
The Supreme Court has asked for significant extra funding for police protection in the wake of abortion activists targeting SCOTUS judges because of the overturn of Roe v. Wade.
radical gender activists file complaint against two feminists

HbAD2

Individuals and political action committees associated with defunct financial institution Silicon Valley Bank have donated extensively to leading politicians.
sends key signature verification issue back to trial court
After banning the Russian Orthodox Church in the country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is now reportedly banning the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, which has approximately 10,000 parishes throughout the nation.
President Joe Biden made the unlikely claim Tuesday that it is Republicans who are pushing for “defunding the police,” despite near universal GOP support for law enforcement and the fact that cutting police budgets was his own party’s rallying cry in 2020.
Eight months after an Illinois woman reported her husband missing, she found him dead in their home.
Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson, the assumed Republican primary frontrunner for North Carolina governor in the 2024 election, was a keynote speaker at CPAC in Maryland on Saturday.
Shares in Credit Suisse plummeted on Wednesday morning amid lackluster firm performance and spreading fears of a worldwide financial crisis.

HbAD3

 
Back to Top