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With Ketanji Brown Jackson joining a growing number of women on the United States Supreme Court, Justice Clarance Thomas has taken to wearing noise-canceling headphones to help drown out the incessant chatter.
Published: Sunday, December 18th, 2022 @ 9:29 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Quarterback Tom Brady is growing increasingly frustrated with his offensive line after they once again failed to protect him in a brutal loss to the Steelers.
Published: Sunday, December 18th, 2022 @ 4:28 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In a recent interview with CNN's Jake Tapper, President Biden sat down to assure the nation that while a nuclear war is likely on the way, it will only be "very slight."
Published: Sunday, December 18th, 2022 @ 4:19 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Last week, PayPal faced backlash after including verbiage in its Acceptable Use Policy that allowed the company to fine users $2,500 for "misinformation."
Published: Sunday, December 18th, 2022 @ 3:45 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Aides are scrambling to keep the President on track without wandering off stage and getting lost again on national television. To combat this, Biden's handlers have resorted to laying down a trail of women's hair on the ground for Biden to sniff and follow.
Published: Sunday, December 18th, 2022 @ 3:31 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Senator Mitt Romney reassured supporters today that he would be remaining a faithful member of the Democratic Party.
Published: Thursday, December 15th, 2022 @ 6:37 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Sporting a purple pin-striped suit and top hat while twirling a cane whimsically, President Biden announced today that he has hidden five golden crack pipes among the millions of taxpayer-funded safe smoking kits.
Published: Monday, December 12th, 2022 @ 1:02 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A potentially disastrous situation was averted yesterday as White House aides were able to grab President Biden's arm in the nick of time and lead him away just as he was beginning to "follow the light."
Published: Monday, December 12th, 2022 @ 1:23 am
By: Babylon Bee
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House Speaker Nancy Pelosi drafted articles of impeachment against newly elected Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni Tuesday to combat what she calls "far-right extremist Mussolini cosplay under the Tuscan sun."
Published: Monday, December 12th, 2022 @ 1:07 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The top-secret military base Area 51 is being overrun by curious visitors this morning after former president Trump announced he had declassified the installation in his mind several years ago.
Published: Monday, December 12th, 2022 @ 12:44 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A local couple is in shock today after a startling visit from Rightful Georgia Governor® Stacey Abrams. According to sources, the couple was listening to the heartbeat of their child on a sonogram for the very first time when Abrams burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid man
Published: Monday, December 12th, 2022 @ 12:18 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Amid a storm of controversy over recent antisemitic comments and remarks praising Hitler, Ye West has announced the release of his brand-new album My Struggle.
Published: Sunday, December 4th, 2022 @ 12:25 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Wondering why people actually still vote for Democrats? Believe it or not, there are still Democrat voters out there and we've compiled their top reasons for doing so!
Published: Tuesday, November 29th, 2022 @ 5:34 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Things got tense in the White House briefing room today after several journalists in the press pool asked Jean-Pierre to answer some questions.
Published: Sunday, November 27th, 2022 @ 10:29 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Since her involuntary retirement from her lucrative gig as Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has been seen lingering on the street corners of the National Mall with a cardboard sign that says "Will trade stock tips 4 food."
Published: Thursday, November 24th, 2022 @ 8:12 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Trump is going to be president again! No, really! And when he takes office he's going to make America great and glorious again.
Published: Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022 @ 2:23 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Senator-elect John Fetterman has finally realized the American dream by living with his parents until at least the age of 50 before smoothly transitioning into a cushy government job.
Published: Wednesday, November 16th, 2022 @ 4:32 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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New Twitter CEO Elon Musk, in a bold and forceful statement against sharing harmful disinformation, has suspended one of the largest purveyors of fake news on the entire social network: The New York Times.
Published: Tuesday, November 8th, 2022 @ 4:23 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Amid shocking leaks that showed the Department of Homeland Security colluded with tech companies to suppress speech they disagreed with, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas has doubled down
Published: Tuesday, November 8th, 2022 @ 3:14 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams made headlines this week by saying women can offset the cost of children by aborting them.
Published: Sunday, October 30th, 2022 @ 9:13 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The world has never been closer to the brink of total nuclear annihilation, according to President Joe Biden's comments at a press conference in between strategy sessions to continue waging his proxy war with nuclear-armed Russia.
Published: Saturday, October 29th, 2022 @ 8:44 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Vice President Kamala Harris had a rare moment of candor with the media today about why she's so terrible at talking.
Published: Monday, October 24th, 2022 @ 12:50 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The U.S. Air Force has continued its initiative for a more inclusive, and gender-neutral military by removing all flight sticks from their planes — effective immediately.
Published: Sunday, October 2nd, 2022 @ 11:50 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Rightful Governor of Georgia Stacey Abrams announced that she will succeed Elizabeth II as the Queen of England only moments after the announcement of the Queen's death.
Published: Friday, September 30th, 2022 @ 12:54 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Upon hearing that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is sending another group of migrants to his mansion in Delaware, President Joe Biden authorized a mobilization of 20,000 National Guard troops to defend his home from the invaders.
Published: Thursday, September 29th, 2022 @ 1:51 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The situation of migrants being transported throughout the United States escalated even further today as Vice President Kamala Harris spoke to the media and officially declared a crisis at the border surrounding her residence in Washington, D.C.
Published: Tuesday, September 27th, 2022 @ 12:04 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After two days of dealing with the insufferable busybodies at the Martha's Vineyard Home Owners Association, illegal immigrants have decided to go back home and take their chances with the cartels.
Published: Tuesday, September 27th, 2022 @ 9:34 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In the wake of the arrival of scores of migrants on the island, Barack & Michelle Obama gave orders to their staff to immediately begin construction of new cages to house the influx of foreign nationals at their luxurious Matha's Vineyard estate.
Published: Monday, September 26th, 2022 @ 8:15 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Residents of upscale Martha's Vineyard are in a panic after several buses dropped off illegal immigrants from Florida this week.
Published: Monday, September 26th, 2022 @ 1:31 am
By: Babylon Bee
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White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was thrown for a loop Wednesday when a journalist from NBC asked her an actual question. Jean-Pierre, who had a binder full of notes about various subjects, became flustered when she had to consult it.
Published: Sunday, September 25th, 2022 @ 8:10 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Jen Psaki has started her first day at a completely new job where she will be doing the exact same thing she's always done by acting as a mouthpiece for the Biden Administration.
Published: Friday, September 23rd, 2022 @ 7:23 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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With inflation and consumer prices continuing to skyrocket, Democrats in Congress have proposed a brand new Inflation Reduction Act to combat the inflation brought about by the first Inflation Reduction Act.
Published: Friday, September 23rd, 2022 @ 11:24 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After weeks of unsuccessfully stoking Trump supporters towards violent action, the FBI has changed course, beginning internal discussions for executing a MAGA-style attack using FBI resources.
Published: Friday, September 23rd, 2022 @ 12:11 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Vice President and Border Czar Kamala Harris announced this week that the southern border is "completely secure." According to sources, she made the announcement while crowd-surfing on a massive caravan of migrants.
Published: Thursday, September 22nd, 2022 @ 11:29 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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