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Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.
Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.
 
Word of a new gay nightclub spread rapidly through the nation's capital over the weekend, with the LGBTQ community flocking to line up outside the latest trendy hotspot.
Word of a new gay nightclub spread rapidly through the nation's capital over the weekend, with the LGBTQ community flocking to line up outside the latest trendy hotspot.
 
The Human Rights Campaign is forever on the hunt for companies that aren't gay enough. If they ever show up at your place of business and discover you're inadequately queer, watch out! They'll break your kneecaps!
The Human Rights Campaign is forever on the hunt for companies that aren't gay enough. If they ever show up at your place of business and discover you're inadequately queer, watch out! They'll break your kneecaps!
 
A local Chick-fil-A ground to a halt Wednesday after an employee accidentally told another employee, "My pleasure." As a result, the pair of employees became trapped in an endless loop of "my pleasure" with no end in sight.
A local Chick-fil-A ground to a halt Wednesday after an employee accidentally told another employee, "My pleasure." As a result, the pair of employees became trapped in an endless loop of "my pleasure" with no end in sight.
 
Did you know that you might be gay and not even know it? It's true! We've consulted with experts in psychology and sodomy to help you identify the telltale signs that you are a closet homosexual.
Did you know that you might be gay and not even know it? It's true! We've consulted with experts in psychology and sodomy to help you identify the telltale signs that you are a closet homosexual.
 
At long last, the end of the world is upon us. At any minute the trumpets will sound and we'll be caught up into heaven, leaving only our clothes and jewelry behind-- just like in the theologically accurate international blockbuster film Left Behind.
At long last, the end of the world is upon us. At any minute the trumpets will sound and we'll be caught up into heaven, leaving only our clothes and jewelry behind-- just like in the theologically accurate international blockbuster film Left Behind.
 
After decades of total dominance, the Dallas Cowboys have been dethroned by the Los Angeles Dodgers as the gayest team in all of sports.
After decades of total dominance, the Dallas Cowboys have been dethroned by the Los Angeles Dodgers as the gayest team in all of sports.
 
Against all odds, the U.S. Navy has somehow managed to become even gayer, sources say.
Against all odds, the U.S. Navy has somehow managed to become even gayer, sources say.
 
A jury found musician Ed Sheeran, who stood accused of copying Marvin Gaye’s 1973 hit “Let’s Get It On” when he composed his 2014 single “Thinking Out Loud,” not liable Thursday in the copyright infringement lawsuit brought against him, according to NBC News.
A jury found musician Ed Sheeran, who stood accused of copying Marvin Gaye’s 1973 hit “Let’s Get It On” when he composed his 2014 single “Thinking Out Loud,” not liable Thursday in the copyright infringement lawsuit brought against him, according to NBC News.
 
Mrs. Ann Gaynell Barber Gaines, age 85, a resident of Washington, NC and former resident of Clinton, NC, died Friday November 11, 2022, at ECU Health Beaufort Campus.
Mrs. Ann Gaynell Barber Gaines, age 85, a resident of Washington, NC and former resident of Clinton, NC, died Friday November 11, 2022, at ECU Health Beaufort Campus.
 
Being a homophobic bigot is one of the worst things you can be. It's just like being Hitler! To make sure you're not a homophobic bigot, keep an eye out for these eight troubling signs. If you show any one of these symptoms, get help immediately.
Being a homophobic bigot is one of the worst things you can be. It's just like being Hitler! To make sure you're not a homophobic bigot, keep an eye out for these eight troubling signs. If you show any one of these symptoms, get help immediately.
 
Critics swarmed Twitter following an announcement from Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre about a new play — “I, Joan” — that portrays the legendary martyr Joan of Arc as “a legendary leader, who in this production, uses the pronouns ‘they/them.'”
Critics swarmed Twitter following an announcement from Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre about a new play — “I, Joan” — that portrays the legendary martyr Joan of Arc as “a legendary leader, who in this production, uses the pronouns ‘they/them.'”
 
Challenges to Academic Freedom, a new volume edited by University of Georgia professor Joseph Hermanowicz, offers a fresh slate of perspectives on some of the issues potentially clouding academic freedom’s future.
Challenges to Academic Freedom, a new volume edited by University of Georgia professor Joseph Hermanowicz, offers a fresh slate of perspectives on some of the issues potentially clouding academic freedom’s future.
 
Susan Gaye Fitzgerald Fincke, age 69, a resident of Chocowinity, NC, passed away Thursday August 25, 2016, at Vidant Beaufort Hospital in Washington.
Susan Gaye Fitzgerald Fincke, age 69, a resident of Chocowinity, NC, passed away Thursday August 25, 2016, at Vidant Beaufort Hospital in Washington.
 
Mrs. Polly Cora Smith Cox, age 94, a resident of 1060 Goose Creek Road, Washington, died Saturday, April 25, 2015 at Vidant Medical Center in Greenville.
Mrs. Polly Cora Smith Cox, age 94, a resident of 1060 Goose Creek Road, Washington, died Saturday, April 25, 2015 at Vidant Medical Center in Greenville.
 
Mr. Archie “Jay” Edmond Evans, Jr., age 73, a resident of 1639 South Asbury Church Road, Washington, NC died Sunday, August 3, 2014 at Vidant Medical Center of Greenville.
Mr. Archie “Jay” Edmond Evans, Jr., age 73, a resident of 1639 South Asbury Church Road, Washington, NC died Sunday, August 3, 2014 at Vidant Medical Center of Greenville.
 
Ethel Bagby Covington Bruce, age 90, of Washington, North Carolina ended her earthly life and went to be with her Heavenly Father on Thursday, January 24, 2013.
Ethel Bagby Covington Bruce, age 90, of Washington, North Carolina ended her earthly life and went to be with her Heavenly Father on Thursday, January 24, 2013.
 
Mr. Lonsdale “Dale” Clifford Mitchell, age 62, a resident of 204 Appomattox Lane, Chocowinity, died Monday, June 20, 2011, at Pitt County Memorial Hospital.
Mr. Lonsdale “Dale” Clifford Mitchell, age 62, a resident of 204 Appomattox Lane, Chocowinity, died Monday, June 20, 2011, at Pitt County Memorial Hospital.
 
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