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Babylon Bee's Entries

Supermarket chains are installing defibrillators at checkout counters due to the growing number of heart attacks that occur when a customer sees their checkout total.
Supermarket chains are installing defibrillators at checkout counters due to the growing number of heart attacks that occur when a customer sees their checkout total.
 
A rescue team was able to locate and extract a local man who had been buried after inadvertently triggering a massive avalanche of his wife's bottles from a shelf in the shower. A fire department spokesman, however, said the man remains hospitalized.
A rescue team was able to locate and extract a local man who had been buried after inadvertently triggering a massive avalanche of his wife's bottles from a shelf in the shower. A fire department spokesman, however, said the man remains hospitalized.
 
Local man Brad Bauer was reportedly very proud that he hadn't even sinned once all day so far.
Local man Brad Bauer was reportedly very proud that he hadn't even sinned once all day so far.
 
Hunter Biden is being charged on 9 counts of evading taxes on his international bribery schemes, according to an indictment filed in Los Angeles on Thursday.
Hunter Biden is being charged on 9 counts of evading taxes on his international bribery schemes, according to an indictment filed in Los Angeles on Thursday.
 
The President of Harvard University, Claudine Gay, announced today that the university has installed Jew detectors at all entrances.
The President of Harvard University, Claudine Gay, announced today that the university has installed Jew detectors at all entrances.
 
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is calling for the immediate suspension of Presidential elections in his country, so that he may focus all his efforts on fighting to protect democracy in Ukraine.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is calling for the immediate suspension of Presidential elections in his country, so that he may focus all his efforts on fighting to protect democracy in Ukraine.
 
It's happening again! A mob of protestors marched through the streets of Washington, D.C., and attempted to storm one of the nation's most beloved landmarks.
It's happening again! A mob of protestors marched through the streets of Washington, D.C., and attempted to storm one of the nation's most beloved landmarks.
 
According to sources, President Biden has been awaiting results from the latest polls to see if giving Israel a right to defend itself is a popular thing or if they should just be annihilated or whatever.
According to sources, President Biden has been awaiting results from the latest polls to see if giving Israel a right to defend itself is a popular thing or if they should just be annihilated or whatever.
 
Planned Parenthood, in an effort to remain on the cutting edge of progressive language, has announced the new proper term for an unborn baby is "womb colonizer."
Planned Parenthood, in an effort to remain on the cutting edge of progressive language, has announced the new proper term for an unborn baby is "womb colonizer."
 
Americans are still reeling this morning after the shocking murder of California Governor Gavin Newsom was captured live on air and broadcast to millions of viewers.
Americans are still reeling this morning after the shocking murder of California Governor Gavin Newsom was captured live on air and broadcast to millions of viewers.
 
Tragedy struck a local family today after a mother went the entire day without having her infant do "tummy time," resulting in the baby's head taking on the shape of a weird, fleshy cube.
Tragedy struck a local family today after a mother went the entire day without having her infant do "tummy time," resulting in the baby's head taking on the shape of a weird, fleshy cube.
 
Progressive Christians around the nation are sounding the alarm over the new Speaker of the House, warning that he is a Christian politician who actually believes Christian things.
Progressive Christians around the nation are sounding the alarm over the new Speaker of the House, warning that he is a Christian politician who actually believes Christian things.
 
In an unsurprising discovery, local boomer Susan Leigh's iPhone photo album was revealed to be exclusively made up of accidental screenshots.
In an unsurprising discovery, local boomer Susan Leigh's iPhone photo album was revealed to be exclusively made up of accidental screenshots.
 
After repeated instances of one Peregrin Took causing terrible mischief, an irritated Gandalf the White finally put Pippin on a toddler leash.
After repeated instances of one Peregrin Took causing terrible mischief, an irritated Gandalf the White finally put Pippin on a toddler leash.
 
Researchers have made a groundbreaking medical discovery this week, discovering a miracle cure for gender dysphoria called "Deleting TikTok".
Researchers have made a groundbreaking medical discovery this week, discovering a miracle cure for gender dysphoria called "Deleting TikTok".
 
Local wife and mother Paula Haybrook gently asked her husband of 12 years if he was planning to remove his "Roman soldier" costume any time soon now that Halloween is over.
Local wife and mother Paula Haybrook gently asked her husband of 12 years if he was planning to remove his "Roman soldier" costume any time soon now that Halloween is over.
 
Authorities have advised the public to be on the lookout due to an obviously sociopathic friend of yours who may be calling you just to talk. Officials warn that this type of action from your friend is a clear indication that they are, in fact, a total weirdo.
Authorities have advised the public to be on the lookout due to an obviously sociopathic friend of yours who may be calling you just to talk. Officials warn that this type of action from your friend is a clear indication that they are, in fact, a total weirdo.
 
Wait a minute, is that young couple looking for a home in your neighborhood from California? You better get them out of here pronto before they turn your beautiful state into a socialist cesspool!
Wait a minute, is that young couple looking for a home in your neighborhood from California? You better get them out of here pronto before they turn your beautiful state into a socialist cesspool!
 
In a bold pledge, a local family has announced it will accomplish all of its Christmas gift shopping early this year, despite the fact that they will, once again, all be scrambling to stores at 5 P.M. on Christmas Eve later this year.
In a bold pledge, a local family has announced it will accomplish all of its Christmas gift shopping early this year, despite the fact that they will, once again, all be scrambling to stores at 5 P.M. on Christmas Eve later this year.
 
Local dad Marcus Dunn passed away this morning after being asked one too many questions before nine o'clock in the morning.
Local dad Marcus Dunn passed away this morning after being asked one too many questions before nine o'clock in the morning.
 
The Reese's cups have all been eaten and another Halloween is in the books — meaning it's time for The Babylon Bee's roundup of the scariest costumes we saw in 2023! Read on -- if you dare:
The Reese's cups have all been eaten and another Halloween is in the books — meaning it's time for The Babylon Bee's roundup of the scariest costumes we saw in 2023! Read on -- if you dare:
 
DENVER, CO — Colorado Supreme Court Justice William Hood devoured a large bag of Funyuns while delivering the court's ruling that Trump "can't, like, be on the ballot, bro."
DENVER, CO — Colorado Supreme Court Justice William Hood devoured a large bag of Funyuns while delivering the court's ruling that Trump "can't, like, be on the ballot, bro."
 
Governor Gavin Newsom has called on the California state legislature to pass yet another minimum wage increase so that citizens can afford the products that have been made more expensive due to the previous minimum wage increase, sources confirmed Thursday.
Governor Gavin Newsom has called on the California state legislature to pass yet another minimum wage increase so that citizens can afford the products that have been made more expensive due to the previous minimum wage increase, sources confirmed Thursday.
 
Harvard President Claudine Gay is facing new plagiarism allegations, following accusations earlier this week that she had plagiarized portions of her 1997 Ph.D. dissertation and three other published works.
Harvard President Claudine Gay is facing new plagiarism allegations, following accusations earlier this week that she had plagiarized portions of her 1997 Ph.D. dissertation and three other published works.
 
The Lord has granted a World Series championship to the Texas Rangers, the one and only Major League Baseball team to not host a Pride Night.
The Lord has granted a World Series championship to the Texas Rangers, the one and only Major League Baseball team to not host a Pride Night.
 
It's that time of year, men! It's time to gather up all the love and appreciation you feel for your wife all year long and make a last-minute trip to the Walgreens down on the corner to buy her the perfect Christmas gift.
It's that time of year, men! It's time to gather up all the love and appreciation you feel for your wife all year long and make a last-minute trip to the Walgreens down on the corner to buy her the perfect Christmas gift.
 
With negotiations taking place on Capitol Hill over funding increased security along America's southern border, Democrats in Congress have admitted they need a steady flow of immigrants to replace all the Democrat voters they aborted.
With negotiations taking place on Capitol Hill over funding increased security along America's southern border, Democrats in Congress have admitted they need a steady flow of immigrants to replace all the Democrat voters they aborted.
 
Members of the media remain unsure of the motivation behind Hamas' violent attacks against Israel, with a reporter on the scene left speculating while Hamas terrorists held up a banner behind her with "EXTERMINATE THE JEWS FROM EXISTENCE" written boldly in all-caps.
Members of the media remain unsure of the motivation behind Hamas' violent attacks against Israel, with a reporter on the scene left speculating while Hamas terrorists held up a banner behind her with "EXTERMINATE THE JEWS FROM EXISTENCE" written boldly in all-caps.
 
CHAPPAQUA, NY — On Wednesday, a group of concerned neighbors nervously approached the old Clinton house and asked if there were any plans to put "all the dead bodies away."
CHAPPAQUA, NY — On Wednesday, a group of concerned neighbors nervously approached the old Clinton house and asked if there were any plans to put "all the dead bodies away."
 
Halloween revelers were shocked this week after a new haunted house that had gained strong notoriety for featuring human bodies being ripped limb from limb turned out to simply be a Planned Parenthood clinic.
Halloween revelers were shocked this week after a new haunted house that had gained strong notoriety for featuring human bodies being ripped limb from limb turned out to simply be a Planned Parenthood clinic.
 
In an embarrassing gaffe, several members of the United States Secret Service spent over four hours protecting what turned out to just be a Halloween butler decoration in the entryway of the White House.
In an embarrassing gaffe, several members of the United States Secret Service spent over four hours protecting what turned out to just be a Halloween butler decoration in the entryway of the White House.
 
Unhinged terror has cast its evil shadow upon the quaint northern Portland neighborhood of Portsmouth in response to reports that several locals dressed up as a stable, happy, middle-class family.
Unhinged terror has cast its evil shadow upon the quaint northern Portland neighborhood of Portsmouth in response to reports that several locals dressed up as a stable, happy, middle-class family.
 
Parents are encouraged to check their child's Halloween candy haul every year to keep an eye out for razor blades and granola bars, but they didn't have to worry about the treats they'd get from the White House — until now.
Parents are encouraged to check their child's Halloween candy haul every year to keep an eye out for razor blades and granola bars, but they didn't have to worry about the treats they'd get from the White House — until now.
 
Mayor Lori Lightfoot sent shivers down the spines of Chicagoans as she revealed her spine-tingling costume: none other than herself. The city was left stunned and slightly perplexed as the mayor emerged in what can only be described as the most bone-chilling Halloween costume
Mayor Lori Lightfoot sent shivers down the spines of Chicagoans as she revealed her spine-tingling costume: none other than herself. The city was left stunned and slightly perplexed as the mayor emerged in what can only be described as the most bone-chilling Halloween costume
 
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