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Babylon Bee's Entries

Leadership of the largest Lutheran church body in the United States, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, clarified in a statement this week that any similarity in their beliefs to the beliefs of the historic reformer Martin Luther is purely coincidental.
Leadership of the largest Lutheran church body in the United States, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, clarified in a statement this week that any similarity in their beliefs to the beliefs of the historic reformer Martin Luther is purely coincidental.
 
According to first responders, a member of the undead community has starved to death after lumbering around Capitol Hill in search of brains for several weeks and finding none.
According to first responders, a member of the undead community has starved to death after lumbering around Capitol Hill in search of brains for several weeks and finding none.
 
A lucky young boy who went trick-or-treating at the United States Capitol building came away with $40 billion in candy after dressing up as Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.
A lucky young boy who went trick-or-treating at the United States Capitol building came away with $40 billion in candy after dressing up as Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.
 
Times are tough, and with the economy in such a rough shape, people are having to get more creative in order to build wealth.
Times are tough, and with the economy in such a rough shape, people are having to get more creative in order to build wealth.
 
As part of a limited-time offer to cash-strapped customers, fast-food giant McDonald's is now offering 36-month, 0% interest financing on all value menu items.
As part of a limited-time offer to cash-strapped customers, fast-food giant McDonald's is now offering 36-month, 0% interest financing on all value menu items.
 
Governor Gavin Newsom showed solidarity with President Biden today by absolutely face planting in front of world leaders.
Governor Gavin Newsom showed solidarity with President Biden today by absolutely face planting in front of world leaders.
 
A local university student expressed her own tremendous virtue by proudly announcing she would never have gone along with the rise of the Nazi party in Germany as she walked across campus to attend a "Kill the Jews" rally taking place on the Quad.
A local university student expressed her own tremendous virtue by proudly announcing she would never have gone along with the rise of the Nazi party in Germany as she walked across campus to attend a "Kill the Jews" rally taking place on the Quad.
 
In a horrific turn of events, when you told Joe at the office that you should get together sometime, he actually took you seriously and now every time Joe sees you, he asks when you're getting together.
In a horrific turn of events, when you told Joe at the office that you should get together sometime, he actually took you seriously and now every time Joe sees you, he asks when you're getting together.
 
A local fish was absolutely humiliated after being caught by a six-year-old girl wielding a flimsy pink princess rod.
A local fish was absolutely humiliated after being caught by a six-year-old girl wielding a flimsy pink princess rod.
 
Former Vice President Mike Pence has ended his Presidential campaign, in what polling shows to have been the most popular move of his entire Presidential Campaign.
Former Vice President Mike Pence has ended his Presidential campaign, in what polling shows to have been the most popular move of his entire Presidential Campaign.
 
Local mom Marcia Merrick decided to schedule family pictures with an expensive photographer as it had been far too long since they had all screamed at each other in abject rage.
Local mom Marcia Merrick decided to schedule family pictures with an expensive photographer as it had been far too long since they had all screamed at each other in abject rage.
 
Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has gained an impressive following in recent years. Now, on the heels of his commentaries on the Bible, Dr. Peterson has turned his attention to critiquing beloved children's books.
Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has gained an impressive following in recent years. Now, on the heels of his commentaries on the Bible, Dr. Peterson has turned his attention to critiquing beloved children's books.
 
The award for best costume at this year's Senate Halloween Social was all but a foregone conclusion, as all of Senator John Fetterman's colleagues almost unanimously recognized him on his outstanding Frankenstein costume.
The award for best costume at this year's Senate Halloween Social was all but a foregone conclusion, as all of Senator John Fetterman's colleagues almost unanimously recognized him on his outstanding Frankenstein costume.
 
Notorious Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh will soon be relocating to the U.S. as a Senior Fellow at Harvard University in the field of international relations.
Notorious Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh will soon be relocating to the U.S. as a Senior Fellow at Harvard University in the field of international relations.
 
Vermont Senator, former presidential candidate, and former Swiftie Bernie Sanders was seen piling his entire collection of Taylor Swift albums and memorabilia into a barrel outside his lakehouse and lighting it on fire today
Vermont Senator, former presidential candidate, and former Swiftie Bernie Sanders was seen piling his entire collection of Taylor Swift albums and memorabilia into a barrel outside his lakehouse and lighting it on fire today
 
Lawmakers in Washington, D.C. were thrilled to hear that the bronze statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee that once stood in a Charlottesville park had been melted down into scrap metal that would be used to build bombs for the Ukraine-Russia war.
Lawmakers in Washington, D.C. were thrilled to hear that the bronze statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee that once stood in a Charlottesville park had been melted down into scrap metal that would be used to build bombs for the Ukraine-Russia war.
 
Dating is tough these days! How can you impress a woman and show her a great time?
Dating is tough these days! How can you impress a woman and show her a great time?
 
Construction companies have reportedly been contracted by the nation's top universities to fabricate attics for Jewish students to hide in during violent antisemitic rallies.
Construction companies have reportedly been contracted by the nation's top universities to fabricate attics for Jewish students to hide in during violent antisemitic rallies.
 
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A crowd of onlookers gathered outside a local pizza parlor today as 76 sacrificial goats were delivered in preparation for former First Lady Hillary Clinton's birthday party.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A crowd of onlookers gathered outside a local pizza parlor today as 76 sacrificial goats were delivered in preparation for former First Lady Hillary Clinton's birthday party.
 
The ongoing effort to free the Israelites from bondage hit another snag today as Moses reportedly whipped out his trusty guitar and started jamming the tune "Pharaoh, Pharaoh" in the royal court. Sources say this has caused the Pharaoh's heart to become hardened even further.
The ongoing effort to free the Israelites from bondage hit another snag today as Moses reportedly whipped out his trusty guitar and started jamming the tune "Pharaoh, Pharaoh" in the royal court. Sources say this has caused the Pharaoh's heart to become hardened even further.
 
A local woman has expressed frustration with her current 8-5 job as Category Buyer I at Kroger corporate headquarters, noting that it sure would be nice if there were some kind of job where she could work from home and do stuff she enjoys like baking, sewing, or taking care of kids
A local woman has expressed frustration with her current 8-5 job as Category Buyer I at Kroger corporate headquarters, noting that it sure would be nice if there were some kind of job where she could work from home and do stuff she enjoys like baking, sewing, or taking care of kids
 
In accordance with his annual tradition, Joel Osteen has once again decided to wear his "pastor" costume for Halloween this year.
In accordance with his annual tradition, Joel Osteen has once again decided to wear his "pastor" costume for Halloween this year.
 
In an urgent message intended to clarify its stance, the terrorist organization Hamas explained they were really only wanting Israel to cease fire.
In an urgent message intended to clarify its stance, the terrorist organization Hamas explained they were really only wanting Israel to cease fire.
 
On the heels of Louisiana Representative Mike Johnson's election as Speaker of the House, family and close friends of the new speaker were shocked and amazed to learn that Mike Johnson is a congressman.
On the heels of Louisiana Representative Mike Johnson's election as Speaker of the House, family and close friends of the new speaker were shocked and amazed to learn that Mike Johnson is a congressman.
 
In an effort to repair the damage done to its image that resulted in it being relegated to "gay beer," beverage titan Bud Light has entered into a partnership with a sports organization where sweaty men in underwear hug and wrestle each other for extended periods of time.
In an effort to repair the damage done to its image that resulted in it being relegated to "gay beer," beverage titan Bud Light has entered into a partnership with a sports organization where sweaty men in underwear hug and wrestle each other for extended periods of time.
 
An Alaska Airlines pilot reportedly saved hundreds of lives this week by deftly steering his plane to avoid dirigibles flown by hostile tribes of machine elves.
An Alaska Airlines pilot reportedly saved hundreds of lives this week by deftly steering his plane to avoid dirigibles flown by hostile tribes of machine elves.
 
Local police have taken in the man who reportedly entered the Iowa State Capitol and reigned destruction upon the satanic statue of Baphomet, cutting off its head epically and gloriously with a chainsaw. According to law enforcement, the man said his name was "Doom Guy".
Local police have taken in the man who reportedly entered the Iowa State Capitol and reigned destruction upon the satanic statue of Baphomet, cutting off its head epically and gloriously with a chainsaw. According to law enforcement, the man said his name was "Doom Guy".
 
California Governor Gavin Newsom went to China to meet with the head of the totalitarian Communist regime after reportedly feeling "burned out" with his latest efforts to oppress Californians.
California Governor Gavin Newsom went to China to meet with the head of the totalitarian Communist regime after reportedly feeling "burned out" with his latest efforts to oppress Californians.
 
Smoke rose from the Capitol building early this afternoon, indicating that Congress had resumed shoveling taxpayer dollars into a giant bonfire.
Smoke rose from the Capitol building early this afternoon, indicating that Congress had resumed shoveling taxpayer dollars into a giant bonfire.
 
Elon Musk has generously offered to give Mark Zuckerberg $1 billion to simply change Facebook's name to "Faceboob."
Elon Musk has generously offered to give Mark Zuckerberg $1 billion to simply change Facebook's name to "Faceboob."
 
House Republicans have placed the job of House Speaker on ZipRecruiter in what political commentators are calling a rare show of unity for the party.
House Republicans have placed the job of House Speaker on ZipRecruiter in what political commentators are calling a rare show of unity for the party.
 
Residents have been filling City Hall with complaints after a city planner successfully placed "No U-Turn" signs at every intersection where any driver might actually want to make a U-turn.
Residents have been filling City Hall with complaints after a city planner successfully placed "No U-Turn" signs at every intersection where any driver might actually want to make a U-turn.
 
GRAND ISLAND, NE — A local child named Clive Genteel has a really dumb favorite dinosaur. Get this, it's a Brachiosaurus! Has he even seen a T-Rex before? That could eat a dumb Brachiosaurus for breakfast.
GRAND ISLAND, NE — A local child named Clive Genteel has a really dumb favorite dinosaur. Get this, it's a Brachiosaurus! Has he even seen a T-Rex before? That could eat a dumb Brachiosaurus for breakfast.
 
There's a lot of talk about healthcare, how much it costs, and which country has figured it out best.
There's a lot of talk about healthcare, how much it costs, and which country has figured it out best.
 
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