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Babylon Bee's Entries

After a steady exodus of people fleeing to Texas to escape oppression under Governor Gavin Newsom's rule, there has been a sudden outcry for a return to the ‘coastal paradise' amid rising temperatures in the Lone Star State.
After a steady exodus of people fleeing to Texas to escape oppression under Governor Gavin Newsom's rule, there has been a sudden outcry for a return to the ‘coastal paradise' amid rising temperatures in the Lone Star State.
 
Former Vice President and climate activist Al Gore has had trouble in recent years getting people to listen to his dire warnings about the coming climate apocalypse.
Former Vice President and climate activist Al Gore has had trouble in recent years getting people to listen to his dire warnings about the coming climate apocalypse.
 
Thousands of women around the country are being forced to face a terrifying new reality in which they actually have to use one of the dozens of cheap, readily available methods of birth control in post-Roe America.
Thousands of women around the country are being forced to face a terrifying new reality in which they actually have to use one of the dozens of cheap, readily available methods of birth control in post-Roe America.
 
The nation's leading scientists unveiled a new periodic table of genders to help everyone keep track of the evolving gender spectrum.
The nation's leading scientists unveiled a new periodic table of genders to help everyone keep track of the evolving gender spectrum.
 
San Diego Comic-Con returned for an in-person event for the first time since 2019 and boy, was it worth the wait! There were celebrities, movie announcements, and random strangers in furry costumes! YEAH!
San Diego Comic-Con returned for an in-person event for the first time since 2019 and boy, was it worth the wait! There were celebrities, movie announcements, and random strangers in furry costumes! YEAH!
 
President Joe Biden released a short video message to the American people in which he vowed to power through his mild Coronavirus symptoms and continue ruining the country over Zoom.
President Joe Biden released a short video message to the American people in which he vowed to power through his mild Coronavirus symptoms and continue ruining the country over Zoom.
 
With the first round of January 6th hearings coming to a close, Representatives Adam Kinzinger and Liz Cheney are feeling great about their audition to become MSNBC anchors.
With the first round of January 6th hearings coming to a close, Representatives Adam Kinzinger and Liz Cheney are feeling great about their audition to become MSNBC anchors.
 
Former Trump advisor Steve Bannon has been found guilty of contempt of Congress, which is one of the evilest crimes one can commit against Congress.
Former Trump advisor Steve Bannon has been found guilty of contempt of Congress, which is one of the evilest crimes one can commit against Congress.
 
The January 6th hearings ended in epic fashion, with America finally learning that Senator Josh Hawley runs like a total girl.
The January 6th hearings ended in epic fashion, with America finally learning that Senator Josh Hawley runs like a total girl.
 
After learning that the president had contracted the Coronavirus, Joe Biden quickly called up Barack Obama to wish him a speedy recovery.
After learning that the president had contracted the Coronavirus, Joe Biden quickly called up Barack Obama to wish him a speedy recovery.
 
Behold: the latest book in the illustrious Babylon Bee Guide series, The Babylon Bee Guide to Democracy!
Behold: the latest book in the illustrious Babylon Bee Guide series, The Babylon Bee Guide to Democracy!
 
In a tearful apology last night, beloved political pundit Jimmy Kimmel apologized to the nation for allowing comedian Dana Carvey on his show to tell funny jokes.
In a tearful apology last night, beloved political pundit Jimmy Kimmel apologized to the nation for allowing comedian Dana Carvey on his show to tell funny jokes.
 
According to a representative for the official White Privilege rewards program, every Caucasian person's White Privilege Card is now good for a full 10% off at participating Whole Foods locations.
According to a representative for the official White Privilege rewards program, every Caucasian person's White Privilege Card is now good for a full 10% off at participating Whole Foods locations.
 
You probably have a male pastor and haven't even considered a female pastor. Well, this is because you are a sexist. There are tons of advantages to having a lady preacher. We've included just nine of them here:
You probably have a male pastor and haven't even considered a female pastor. Well, this is because you are a sexist. There are tons of advantages to having a lady preacher. We've included just nine of them here:
 
After a heroic protest at the Supreme Court, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spent the better part of three hours sitting in an invisible police car with her wrists bound by invisible handcuffs, waiting to be taken to an invisible jail.
After a heroic protest at the Supreme Court, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spent the better part of three hours sitting in an invisible police car with her wrists bound by invisible handcuffs, waiting to be taken to an invisible jail.
 
The entire contents of Hunter Biden's laptop, iphone, and ipad have been leaked to the public. How embarrassing! The Babylon Bee team spent all night scrolling through 4chan threads last night and we checked into therapy this morning.
The entire contents of Hunter Biden's laptop, iphone, and ipad have been leaked to the public. How embarrassing! The Babylon Bee team spent all night scrolling through 4chan threads last night and we checked into therapy this morning.
 
Governor Ron Desantis has responded to Governor Gavin Newsom's political ads in Florida by running political ads of his own in California.
Governor Ron Desantis has responded to Governor Gavin Newsom's political ads in Florida by running political ads of his own in California.
 
According to sources, two neighbors in an upscale liberal suburb are currently locked in a battle of chicken to see who will be the first person to take down their "Black Lives Matter" yard sign — thereby showing the entire neighborhood they've stopped caring about black lives.
According to sources, two neighbors in an upscale liberal suburb are currently locked in a battle of chicken to see who will be the first person to take down their "Black Lives Matter" yard sign — thereby showing the entire neighborhood they've stopped caring about black lives.
 
The January 6th Committee is urging Americans to stay tuned until the very end of the hearings, as there will be another very special bonus hearing after the credits roll.
The January 6th Committee is urging Americans to stay tuned until the very end of the hearings, as there will be another very special bonus hearing after the credits roll.
 
Former White House Chief Strategist and media executive Steve Bannon was offered some change and a hot meal when he was discovered by a homeless man Monday.
Former White House Chief Strategist and media executive Steve Bannon was offered some change and a hot meal when he was discovered by a homeless man Monday.
 
According to sources within the White House, Kamala Harris is once again losing another staff member as her top aide is leaving the administration after taking a new job.
According to sources within the White House, Kamala Harris is once again losing another staff member as her top aide is leaving the administration after taking a new job.
 
The White House held an emergency press conference after Biden's COVID diagnosis to assure the nation that whoever is actually running the country right now is still completely healthy.
The White House held an emergency press conference after Biden's COVID diagnosis to assure the nation that whoever is actually running the country right now is still completely healthy.
 
Only one day after Biden's miraculous recovery from cancer, White House sources have confirmed the President now has COVID.
Only one day after Biden's miraculous recovery from cancer, White House sources have confirmed the President now has COVID.
 
After testing positive for COVID today, President Biden immediately rushed out of the White House to go sniff one last little girl before losing his sense of smell.
After testing positive for COVID today, President Biden immediately rushed out of the White House to go sniff one last little girl before losing his sense of smell.
 
Hundreds of thousands of people are fleeing California for states like Texas and Florida, but it's not always easy to adjust to life in an American state.
Hundreds of thousands of people are fleeing California for states like Texas and Florida, but it's not always easy to adjust to life in an American state.
 
After months of saying that he has no control over the price of gas, President Joe Biden is taking credit as prices dip by 2 cents. To highlight this monumental achievement, Biden has been placing "I did that!" stickers on gas pumps everywhere he goes.
After months of saying that he has no control over the price of gas, President Joe Biden is taking credit as prices dip by 2 cents. To highlight this monumental achievement, Biden has been placing "I did that!" stickers on gas pumps everywhere he goes.
 
Due to the influx of new residents from Liberal states, DeSantis has signed an order outlawing man-buns before they can infect the proud and masculine culture of Florida.
Due to the influx of new residents from Liberal states, DeSantis has signed an order outlawing man-buns before they can infect the proud and masculine culture of Florida.
 
After Biden seemed to announce he has cancer during a speech today, the White House quickly issued a retraction, clarifying that Biden only said that because of his dementia.
After Biden seemed to announce he has cancer during a speech today, the White House quickly issued a retraction, clarifying that Biden only said that because of his dementia.
 
As Netflix announced the loss of one million subscribers this month, ten million people have also discovered that for some reason their Netflix login no longer seems to be working.
As Netflix announced the loss of one million subscribers this month, ten million people have also discovered that for some reason their Netflix login no longer seems to be working.
 
Ilhan Omar was arrested by Capitol Police at an abortion rally yesterday. According to sources, she has used her prison phone call to contact both her husband and her brother.
Ilhan Omar was arrested by Capitol Police at an abortion rally yesterday. According to sources, she has used her prison phone call to contact both her husband and her brother.
 
AOC is still being held 1 day after her high-profile arrest at the Supreme Court building, as Capitol Police have confirmed that they misplaced the invisible key for her invisible handcuffs.
AOC is still being held 1 day after her high-profile arrest at the Supreme Court building, as Capitol Police have confirmed that they misplaced the invisible key for her invisible handcuffs.
 
The Boston Tea Party was a totally based political protest that took place on December 16, 1773 as a way of speaking out against taxation without representation — but let's face it — the tea got the raw end of that deal. We enjoy a good tea every now and then!
The Boston Tea Party was a totally based political protest that took place on December 16, 1773 as a way of speaking out against taxation without representation — but let's face it — the tea got the raw end of that deal. We enjoy a good tea every now and then!
 
National Public Radio faced criticism last week following the announcement of a Disinformation Reporting Team but was quick to clarify that its role is to spread more disinformation rather than prevent it.
National Public Radio faced criticism last week following the announcement of a Disinformation Reporting Team but was quick to clarify that its role is to spread more disinformation rather than prevent it.
 
After seeing President Biden travel to Saudi Arabia to beg for more oil, North Dakota decided to assassinate and dismember a journalist so the president would let them drill for oil.
After seeing President Biden travel to Saudi Arabia to beg for more oil, North Dakota decided to assassinate and dismember a journalist so the president would let them drill for oil.
 
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