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Babylon Bee's Entries

A swarm of protesters descended on Parliament Hill today to protest the recently proposed and controversial “Don’t Say ‘Eh’” bill.
A swarm of protesters descended on Parliament Hill today to protest the recently proposed and controversial “Don’t Say ‘Eh’” bill.
 
In a new episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Mickey described a transgender surgery scalpel as "a surprise tool that will help us later."
In a new episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Mickey described a transgender surgery scalpel as "a surprise tool that will help us later."
 
Investigators working with the Israel Antiquities Authority have claimed David used an illegal "ghost" sling in his famous battle with Goliath.
Investigators working with the Israel Antiquities Authority have claimed David used an illegal "ghost" sling in his famous battle with Goliath.
 
According to sources close to the ancient Jewish sect known as the Pharisees, the group of legalistic religious zealots was delighted to learn about this new "wokeness" thing going around
According to sources close to the ancient Jewish sect known as the Pharisees, the group of legalistic religious zealots was delighted to learn about this new "wokeness" thing going around
 
Jesus is literally all over the Marvel movies. Everywhere you turn, there's another Christ figure. And as we all know, the best place to get our theology is from Marvel films.
Jesus is literally all over the Marvel movies. Everywhere you turn, there's another Christ figure. And as we all know, the best place to get our theology is from Marvel films.
 
As part of the Biden Administration's efforts to maintain its perfect record of financial responsibility, Joe Biden sat down with the American people and conducted a performance review in which he gave Americans an 8.5% pay cut.
As part of the Biden Administration's efforts to maintain its perfect record of financial responsibility, Joe Biden sat down with the American people and conducted a performance review in which he gave Americans an 8.5% pay cut.
 
Kathleen Johns became stranded on the side of Highway 132 after her car's engine mysteriously gave out.
Kathleen Johns became stranded on the side of Highway 132 after her car's engine mysteriously gave out.
 
Former President Jimmy Carter was arrested Monday after a gas station attendant called the police to report a "hooligan" placing "I Did That!" stickers on gas pumps.
Former President Jimmy Carter was arrested Monday after a gas station attendant called the police to report a "hooligan" placing "I Did That!" stickers on gas pumps.
 
The White House grounds have entered a lockdown following the sighting of a senile old man wandering around waving a gun and making outlandish demands.
The White House grounds have entered a lockdown following the sighting of a senile old man wandering around waving a gun and making outlandish demands.
 
Zookeepers across the nation are reportedly scrambling to vaccinate all reptiles in captivity following the announcement that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tested positive for COVID-19.
Zookeepers across the nation are reportedly scrambling to vaccinate all reptiles in captivity following the announcement that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tested positive for COVID-19.
 
China has locked down tens of millions of its citizens, forbidding them from even leaving homes or apartments, which is leading to starvation and poverty. Still, President Xi Jinping is undeterred, saying these measures are necessary to maintain their stellar COVID record of zero deaths.
China has locked down tens of millions of its citizens, forbidding them from even leaving homes or apartments, which is leading to starvation and poverty. Still, President Xi Jinping is undeterred, saying these measures are necessary to maintain their stellar COVID record of zero deaths.
 
In a televised address to 1.4 billion beloved citizens caged in their own homes in the name of health, Chairman Xi Jinping introduced the Chinese Communist Party’s new Head of COVID Policy, Dr. Anthon-Yong Fauching.
In a televised address to 1.4 billion beloved citizens caged in their own homes in the name of health, Chairman Xi Jinping introduced the Chinese Communist Party’s new Head of COVID Policy, Dr. Anthon-Yong Fauching.
 
Congresswoman AOC has recently drafted strong legislation designed to unilaterally ban ghost guns. She claims the legislation is needed since ghosts are dead already and don't actually need guns anymore.
Congresswoman AOC has recently drafted strong legislation designed to unilaterally ban ghost guns. She claims the legislation is needed since ghosts are dead already and don't actually need guns anymore.
 
Local man Dan Boats is being placed under church discipline after several reports of him wearing cargo shorts in public—a practice guaranteed to cause women who see them to stumble into sinful lust.
Local man Dan Boats is being placed under church discipline after several reports of him wearing cargo shorts in public—a practice guaranteed to cause women who see them to stumble into sinful lust.
 
BLM leaders are calling for more nationwide protests this summer after discovering a fantastic home on Malibu Beach that they should easily afford if they begin riling people up now.
BLM leaders are calling for more nationwide protests this summer after discovering a fantastic home on Malibu Beach that they should easily afford if they begin riling people up now.
 
Local man and father of a 5-year-old trans pterodactyl Bradley Mingastank is struggling to find the medical care his young dinosaur son needs, as it is very difficult to find species-affirming care in the United States.
Local man and father of a 5-year-old trans pterodactyl Bradley Mingastank is struggling to find the medical care his young dinosaur son needs, as it is very difficult to find species-affirming care in the United States.
 
Social media platform Twitter experienced an uptick in turnover in the last week ever since Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Musk joined the board of directors.
Social media platform Twitter experienced an uptick in turnover in the last week ever since Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Musk joined the board of directors.
 
With pediatric associations now in agreement that "gender-affirming care,"—in which children are drugged to block puberty and then dismembered through surgery—is 100% scientific and beneficial to kids, they are now introducing "fat-affirming care" for children.
With pediatric associations now in agreement that "gender-affirming care,"—in which children are drugged to block puberty and then dismembered through surgery—is 100% scientific and beneficial to kids, they are now introducing "fat-affirming care" for children.
 
By popular demand, every Buc-ee's location will now add a dozen BBQ sauce pumps to its existing 512 fuel pumps, allowing Texans on the go to pick up gallons and gallons of sauce for their barbecues.
By popular demand, every Buc-ee's location will now add a dozen BBQ sauce pumps to its existing 512 fuel pumps, allowing Texans on the go to pick up gallons and gallons of sauce for their barbecues.
 
Justice Clarence Thomas walked out to get his mail this morning and found a surprise in his mailbox. According to sources, he was lucky enough to receive an invitation to celebrate Kentanji Brown Jackson's confirmation as the nation's first black Supreme Court Justice.
Justice Clarence Thomas walked out to get his mail this morning and found a surprise in his mailbox. According to sources, he was lucky enough to receive an invitation to celebrate Kentanji Brown Jackson's confirmation as the nation's first black Supreme Court Justice.
 
In a touching ceremony on the White House lawn today, President Biden congratulated the first black woman on the Supreme Court, Michelle Obama.
In a touching ceremony on the White House lawn today, President Biden congratulated the first black woman on the Supreme Court, Michelle Obama.
 
President Joe Biden has again repeated the false claim that he once flew an A-Wing into a Super Star Destroyer.
President Joe Biden has again repeated the false claim that he once flew an A-Wing into a Super Star Destroyer.
 
The U.S. Senate has voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the highest court in the land, making her the first Supreme Court Justice to be confirmed without a degree in biology.
The U.S. Senate has voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the highest court in the land, making her the first Supreme Court Justice to be confirmed without a degree in biology.
 
According to sources, a local man's youngest son asked his father for his share of his inheritance, only to set off for a distant country and squander his wealth on a gender studies degree.
According to sources, a local man's youngest son asked his father for his share of his inheritance, only to set off for a distant country and squander his wealth on a gender studies degree.
 
Oh no! Everyone's calling everyone else "groomer" and now we're all confused! Are you a groomer?
Oh no! Everyone's calling everyone else "groomer" and now we're all confused! Are you a groomer?
 
Local man Paul Brexton grew up on Disney movies, enjoying and identifying with the edginess, wit, and rebellious teenage attitude of characters like Ariel, Aladdin, and Mulan.
Local man Paul Brexton grew up on Disney movies, enjoying and identifying with the edginess, wit, and rebellious teenage attitude of characters like Ariel, Aladdin, and Mulan.
 
As Kamala Harris staffers continue to leave the White House in droves, citing a toxic work environment and the sounds of incessant cackling echoing through the halls, the White House has remedied the issue by constructing a 12-foot border fence around the property.
As Kamala Harris staffers continue to leave the White House in droves, citing a toxic work environment and the sounds of incessant cackling echoing through the halls, the White House has remedied the issue by constructing a 12-foot border fence around the property.
 
Local dad Jasper McTubbins called it a day as far as parenting responsibilities were concerned after he paused for a moment from polishing his golf clubs in the garage so he could yell, “Listen to your mother!” at the kids.
Local dad Jasper McTubbins called it a day as far as parenting responsibilities were concerned after he paused for a moment from polishing his golf clubs in the garage so he could yell, “Listen to your mother!” at the kids.
 
The popular retail store Costco has announced that due to rising costs created by inflation and food shortages they will now be offering customers payment plan options to pay for beef.
The popular retail store Costco has announced that due to rising costs created by inflation and food shortages they will now be offering customers payment plan options to pay for beef.
 
Only a few days after Elon Musk purchased a 9.2% stake in Twitter, Bill Gates announced that he too will invest in social media with a 9.2% share of MySpace.
Only a few days after Elon Musk purchased a 9.2% stake in Twitter, Bill Gates announced that he too will invest in social media with a 9.2% share of MySpace.
 
Senator Mitt Romney is furious after discovering that his Republican colleagues have been going to cocaine-fueled orgies for years and no one ever invited him.
Senator Mitt Romney is furious after discovering that his Republican colleagues have been going to cocaine-fueled orgies for years and no one ever invited him.
 
A local man who narrowly escaped a hopelessly depraved Disneyland with his children has told investigators his wife turned into a "pillar of salt" when she looked back as they were fleeing.
A local man who narrowly escaped a hopelessly depraved Disneyland with his children has told investigators his wife turned into a "pillar of salt" when she looked back as they were fleeing.
 
In a recent study conducted by the Department of Education, it was found that Florida students K-3 are quickly improving in math and reading. Unfortunately, they have fallen to dead last in the nation in one crucial area: intimate knowledge of their teachers' sex lives.
In a recent study conducted by the Department of Education, it was found that Florida students K-3 are quickly improving in math and reading. Unfortunately, they have fallen to dead last in the nation in one crucial area: intimate knowledge of their teachers' sex lives.
 
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