The Learned People Who Populate Our Institutes Of Higher Learning Are Smart People Who Do Smart And Useful Rresearch ... Or Are They? ... Or Do They? | Eastern NC Now

    I read an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal (Really Smart People work at the Wall Street Journal) about a whole bunch of research that has been done by a lot of our University People (University People are known to be Really Smart) and the New York City Bureaucratic People (Everyone knows that Bureaucratic People are Really Smart). This Blog Posting is about what these Really Smart People have been up to.

    At the following Really Smart Places Really Smart People are devoting a lot of their time studying Really Foolish Stuff...
     Colorado State University
     University of Hawaii
     University of Southern Mississippi in Hattiesburg
     University of Southern Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
     University of Toulouse
     The NYC Department of City Planning

    What the heck am I talking about? I'm surprised you did not see it coming. Of course, I'm talking about Sidewalk Rage...

    (Here's where you are going to start muttering to yourself that I am making this up.)

    Researchers are actually studying the Pedestrian Equitant of Road Rage. They are seeking insights on this rage's origins and ways to combat it.

    The researchers contend that, for many people, few things are more infuriating than the slow walkers who clog up sidewalks, grocery aisles and airport hallways while others fume behind them.

    I have several questions for these Really Smart Researching People...
     •Do you really spend your research time researching Foolishness like this?
     •Why do you bother?
     •Do you get paid to do this?
     •Do you laugh every time you cash your pay check?
     •Is it really important that some pedestrians walk at 3.74 feet per second and others walk at 3.79 feet per second (these are the researcher's actual researched numbers)?
     •Are you obsessed with Speed-Challenged Strollers of any ilk (I just love using the word "ilk") and how best to navigate around them?
     •Do you really refer to Pedestrian Aggressiveness Syndrome Scales in your conversations?
     •Are you really working on an app to stop Cell Phone Talkers from walking 1.6% slower than the average walkers?
     •Are you really concerned about Intermittent Explosive Disorders?
     •Do you really lay awake at night thinking about what can be done about Smokers walking 2.3% slower than the average walker's 4.27 feet per second?
     •Do you really get actively involved in efforts directed at Travel Agencies to get their cooperation in trying to stop Tourists from creeping along at an 11% more-leisurely rate than the average walker?
     •Do you really attempt to use Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to alter thoughts and actions by coming up with alternative ways to view a situation?
     •Are you really in favor of the President of the Good Ole USofA using one of his Executive Actions to buy Headphones for every one of us because Headphone Wearers clip along at a 9% faster rate than average walkers?
     •Are you really in favor of a Federal Law that will require the wearing of the Headphones that our President bought every one of us with his Executive Action?

    Yes, I embellished some of the above bullets but not really that much.

    The late Ed McMahon just came into my computer room and said, "How bad is it?" I said, "Ed, I'll tell you how bad it is, there really is a group called, "I Secretly Want to Punch Slow Walking People in the Back of the Head" that boasts nearly 15,000 members".

    The look on Ed's late face was priceless.

    Would I kid u?
    Smartfella

    Lagniappe: Don't be surprised if one day you see these "researchers" walking around at a Researchers Convention wearing name tags with Smiley Faces on them that say..."Highly Paid Mental Midget".