Claudine Gay Claims White Supremacists Went Back In Time And Forced Her To Plagiarize At Gunpoint | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    CAMBRIDGE, MA     In a chilling revelation, a tearful Claudine Gay has disclosed that a gang of time-traveling white supremacists went back to the year 1997 and forced her to plagiarize at gunpoint.

    Holding back tears, Gay recounted the tale of several racists appearing to her as she was finishing up her Ph.D dissertation in the late '90s, pointing handguns at her, and forcing her to copy excerpts from other sources.

    "They pointed guns at me and said, 'Copy this paper, Gay!'" she told reporters. "They were - they were wearing MAGA hats, and they said, 'Harvard is merit-based country! Now copy the paper if you want to live!'" Gay claimed they made her paraphrase ideas from other scholars and academics and copy some sentences and phrases outright, all while she protested that it was ethically wrong and would get her in trouble someday. "Then they asked if I knew where they could buy some first-edition Pokemon cards."

    "I really wish that would have clued me in to go pick up a Charizard, but alas."

    Gay warns that her resignation could lead to other academics being assaulted by this dangerous gang of time-jumping racists, who will stop at nothing to bring every person of color in a position of power at a university down by going back in time and making them plagiarize.

    "I've always said, 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,'" she said. "But now, we also have time-traveling white supremacists to fear."