During a recent press conference, Mayor Eric Adams announced that he will no longer tolerate migrant attacks against NYPD officers, warning that further incidents would result in a downgrade in migrant living accommodations from luxurious 5-star hotels to humble 4-star establishments.
Published: Wednesday, February 28th, 2024 @ 11:02 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Jolly old Saint Nick has decided to shake things up this Christmas season by increasing the consequences for naughty children. Instead of lumps of coal, misbehaving kids will find themselves unwrapping something even worse: a copy of The Marvels on Blu-ray.
Published: Thursday, February 22nd, 2024 @ 8:57 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The award for best costume at this year's Senate Halloween Social was all but a foregone conclusion, as all of Senator John Fetterman's colleagues almost unanimously recognized him on his outstanding Frankenstein costume.
Published: Thursday, December 21st, 2023 @ 9:52 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Disgruntled robbers in the Bay Area began to consider the option of packing up shop and relocating to another city, citing the fact that everything in San Francisco has already been robbed.
Published: Saturday, October 28th, 2023 @ 5:01 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In an effort to comply with a city leader's request that no gang shootings take place until after 9 P.M., local gangs met up to kill a few hours by playing some Settlers of Catan.
Published: Wednesday, October 25th, 2023 @ 11:06 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Visitors to the Baltimore Harbor Pier were startled today after a beleaguered man working the Dippin' Dots ice cream stand shouted angrily at them as they passed by.
Published: Sunday, October 22nd, 2023 @ 12:29 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After God miraculously supplied the Israelites with water, the Israelites asked if Moses could possibly strike another rock to make it pour forth Sunny D.
Published: Thursday, October 12th, 2023 @ 1:36 am
By: Babylon Bee
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According to newly released studies, everyone sitting on the beach around you really wants to hear that trash music you're playing so crank it up to an eleven and don't take those sideways glares and mean stares as anything but encouragement
Published: Tuesday, October 10th, 2023 @ 12:31 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The U.S. Supreme Court will not take a case involving a disputed skirt requirement for students at a Brunswick County charter school. A split 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals struck down the requirement as unconstitutional.
Published: Thursday, September 7th, 2023 @ 7:05 am
By: Carolina Journal
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House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer (R-KY) said he believes one of the whistleblowers set to testify about the Hunter Biden investigation was emboldened to come forward by Democrats and the left-leaning media.
Published: Sunday, August 6th, 2023 @ 4:21 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Prominent theologians speculated the world may be on the cusp of a new outpouring of the Holy Spirit after President Joe Biden and Senator John Fetterman began speaking in unknown languages and tongues of fire came to rest on them during a joint public appearance.
Published: Saturday, July 29th, 2023 @ 4:08 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Operators of a Brunswick County charter school challenge arguments from the federal government's top lawyer in a case under consideration at the U.S. Supreme Court.
Published: Tuesday, July 25th, 2023 @ 8:37 am
By: Carolina Journal
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U.S. — Joe Biden's ugly spill at the Air Force commencement ceremony has led the American public to vote to approve adding the question "Can you walk and speak in sentences?" to the official job application for President of the United States.
Published: Tuesday, June 27th, 2023 @ 10:15 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Terror has rocked a small Moblin treehouse community after Gary L., a beloved Moblin relaxing by the campfire was slain by a wandering psychopath.
Published: Monday, June 12th, 2023 @ 11:30 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Our effeminate culture keeps trying to push men to talk about their feelings and go to something lame-sounding called "therapy". While this might work for today's beta male, old-school, 100% genuine REAL men have better ways of overcoming challenges in their lives.
Published: Saturday, June 3rd, 2023 @ 7:40 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Bury me with soldiers.
Published: Monday, May 29th, 2023 @ 9:48 am
By: Beaufort Observer Editorial Team
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Have you ever wondered what men are actually doing when they "go out with the boys?" This activity has been shrouded in mystery from time immemorial, but today for the first time we will reveal the secret to you.
Published: Friday, May 26th, 2023 @ 9:31 am
By: Babylon Bee
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All legislative activity was brought to a screeching halt today as returning Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman unintentionally filibustered the Senate for over seven hours while trying to say "Hello."
Published: Wednesday, May 17th, 2023 @ 7:12 am
By: Babylon Bee
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As part of a continued push to project a more inclusive, body-positive message, this year's edition of the iconic Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue will feature a walrus wearing a bikini. Decision-makers at the publication are certain the public will love the choice.
Published: Saturday, May 6th, 2023 @ 1:22 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Company suspects former disgruntled employee may have leaked code
Published: Wednesday, April 12th, 2023 @ 10:25 pm
By: Daily Wire
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What defines an activist court? Is it one that establishes new rules by expanding and stretching the constitution to write a perceived wrong, or is it a court that looks to readdress prior rulings and potentially establish precedents more grounded in the constitution?
Published: Monday, March 20th, 2023 @ 10:39 pm
By: John Locke Foundation
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Disney CEO Bob Iger admitted Thursday that the company has charged consumers exorbitant prices at the entertainment giant’s theme parks.
Published: Sunday, March 19th, 2023 @ 9:46 am
By: Daily Wire
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Amazon employees are furious as the company rolls back remote work arrangements, with some threatening to quit and others drafting petitions in reaction to a recent announcement that they must report to the office at least three times per week.
Published: Wednesday, March 1st, 2023 @ 7:06 pm
By: Daily Wire
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When you’re as liberal as they get — not to mention a black woman of Asian descent — and The Washington Post doesn’t have your back, you got problems.
Published: Monday, February 13th, 2023 @ 10:30 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Colorado Shooting Suspect Identifies As “Nonbinary,” Attorneys Say
Published: Wednesday, December 7th, 2022 @ 10:37 pm
By: Daily Wire
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GOP Rep. Liz Cheney has drawn the ire of House January 6 Committee staffers over her influence on the final committee report expected out next month.
Published: Wednesday, November 30th, 2022 @ 10:20 pm
By: Daily Wire
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populist conservative Farage is hero of Brexit
Published: Monday, November 28th, 2022 @ 7:42 pm
By: John Steed
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White Suburban Women Swing Right After Republican Party Rebrands As 'Pumpkin Spice Republican Party'Despite suburban white women demurring from widespread Republican support in the 2020 election, new polling estimates a 25%+ increase in this key demographic's projected support for conservatives in the upcoming midterm elections.
Published: Friday, November 11th, 2022 @ 4:58 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Midway through his debate against Dr. Oz this week, the Democratic candidate for Pennsylvania's open Senate seat issued a heated reminder that "Fetterman" was the name of the scientist who created him and not his own name.
Published: Thursday, November 3rd, 2022 @ 6:18 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Las Vegas police have arrested Robert Telles, a local Democrat official, for allegedly murdering Las Vegas Review-Journal investigative reporter Jeff German.
Published: Tuesday, September 27th, 2022 @ 12:08 pm
By: Daily Wire
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This week the Kremlin announced a sanction on over 25 persons, including Sean Penn and Ben Stiller.
Published: Monday, September 19th, 2022 @ 8:16 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local man Alex Gleitz began wondering today if he ought to perhaps do the dishes, having found himself eating Honey Nut Cheerios out of a flower vase.
Published: Wednesday, September 14th, 2022 @ 2:55 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Authorities were dispatched to the Nashville Zoo after Psychology professor and free-speech activist Jordan Peterson disregarded all signs saying "do not ride the ostriches" while shouting "up yours, woke moralists!" at the top of his lungs.
Published: Saturday, July 16th, 2022 @ 5:23 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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No longer able to keep up with the endlessly fluid definition of the word "woman," Merriam Webster has elected to replace the traditional definition of "adult female person" with a more open-ended "shrug" emoji.
Published: Tuesday, June 28th, 2022 @ 12:16 am
By: Babylon Bee
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