White Suburban Women Swing Right After Republican Party Rebrands As 'Pumpkin Spice Republican Party' | Eastern North Carolina Now | Despite suburban white women demurring from widespread Republican support in the 2020 election, new polling estimates a 25%+ increase in this key demographic's projected support for conservatives in the upcoming midterm elections.

Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19)
    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    WASHINGTON, D.C.     Despite suburban white women demurring from widespread Republican support in the 2020 election, new polling estimates a 25%+ increase in this key demographic's projected support for conservatives in the upcoming midterm elections. This definitive pivot has caused widespread panic for Democratic operatives and candidates who are unsure of how to combat their opponents' full rebrand to "Pumpkin Spice Republican Party."

    "We believe this delicious flavor and image upgrade will help us shore up our chances in both the House and the Senate - these gals won't be able to tick a boring 'D' at the ballot box when they have the irresistible 'R - Pumpkin-Spice-Style' to choose." Senate Minority Whip John Cornyn droned out the announcement to his fellow Senators while revealing the planned Fall-themed rebrand on a large sign board, eliciting muted grunts of approval from his Pumpkin Spice Republican colleagues and causing the three TV viewers who had accidentally left C-SPAN2 on to wake up and adjust the channel.

    Kentucky Senator John Kennedy spoke to FOX News host Tucker Carlson one day after the polling data shocked the nation, elaborating on the "Pumpkin Spice Shift's" rationale and implications for down-ballot conservatives. "I'll tell ya what, Tucky, where I come from in the down-home South, we know a few things about our white suburban women: they like their Roombas, they like their infinite Target returns, and they like their pumpkin spice - or as we call it in Louisiana, 'punkin spice' - and now they like Republicans too."

    The down-home charm and folksy anecdote elicited an abrupt cackle from Carlson, followed immediately by his facial flatlining back into his signature intent listening face when Kennedy launched into a wide-ranging illustration about how pumpkin spice is "like 'gator catnip for them white suburban ladies."

    At publishing time, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was heard asking why everyone was so worried about Suburbans since she drives a Tesla.
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




AOC Wistfully Doodles 'Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez-Musk' Inside Heart In Her Notebook Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics Governor Cooper Statement on NC Supreme Court Ruling on Leandro


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

Twitter CEO Elon Musk released information through journalist Matt Taibbi Friday afternoon showing that Twitter was working in conjunction with then-Democrat presidential candidate Joe Biden’s team, removing tweets that team Biden wanted deleted.
As a youth growing up in a United States of America that understood the pain of sacrifice, the remembrance of Pearl Harbor was an annual event.
How a coastal North Carolina city became the site of America’s only coup d’etat
Democrats have voted to put South Carolina first in the Democratic primary schedule and move Georgia and Michigan up to be included in the early voting states, according to reporting from the Associated Press.
A coalition of charter-school advocacy organizations has filed a lawsuit in federal court seeking to block new restrictions on charter schools imposed by the Biden administration
Former Secretary of State and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticized recent pro-life wins, comparing actions that protect unborn life to those in countries around the world where women’s rights have historically been severely restricted.
Former President Donald Trump is asking a federal judge to force the Department of Justice (DOJ) to turn over an unredacted copy of the FBI affidavit used to justify a raid on Trump’s Florida residence.

HbAD1

After the men's national team was dealt a crushing 1-3 loss by the Netherlands, the United States expressed deep relief to no longer have to go on pretending to like soccer.
Teenagers’ brains were physically altered and aged at an accelerated rate during the COVID lockdowns, according to a Stanford University study published Thursday.
An interpreter for the Broadway show “The Lion King” is suing over his termination, claiming that he was fired because of his skin color.
Representative Ilhan Omar arrived at the Capitol today proudly decked out head-to-toe in brand new "Yeezy" gear.
A California law suggests that not-for-credit courses may be on their last legs.
While methamphetamine has been a problem in the United States for a long time, there is a rising concern about fentanyl use and fatal overdoses. However, the two drugs combined are adding another layer to the crisis.
Twitter CEO Elon Musk said Friday afternoon that he will release more information about how the platform censored the New York Post’s bombshell report about Hunter Biden’s laptop just weeks before the 2020 presidential election.
Local man Garrett Benton has officially spent half of his annual salary paying other people to do the manly things he wishes he could do himself.

HbAD2

There’s a straightforward solution that the Biden administration could enact in order to alleviate the nation’s ongoing energy crisis.
Americans are now saving the smallest portion of their earnings in nearly two decades, according to data released on Thursday by the Bureau of Economic Analysis.
It's important for Christians to live a life of charity, but it's, like, really hard. Wouldn't it be great if you could support the poor without putting any effort or self-sacrifice into it? Now there are ten ways!
Twitter users fact-checked a White House post about the Biden administration’s purportedly hawkish fiscal behavior.
Thursday night, former President Barack Obama made a dig at Georgia’s GOP Senate candidate Herschel Walker by comparing him to an all-too-familiar “Uncle Joe” who says “crazy stuff” and is given no “serious responsibilities.”
According to a new study by conservative campus watchdog The College Fix, 95% of donations made by professors at North Carolina’s 10 largest universities, both public and private, went to Democrats.
Twitter CEO Elon Musk signaled Monday that he might be preparing to “go to war” with Apple after the company has largely stopped advertising on Twitter and has reportedly threatened to boot the social media platform from its App Store.

HbAD3

 
Back to Top