Bridesmaid At Cana Wedding Asks Jesus To Turn The Water Into 'I Dunno, Something Sweet, But Not Too Sweet, Maybe Kinda Fruity?' | Eastern North Carolina Now | After hearing wine was back on the menu, local bridesmaid Abigail approached Jesus and asked if He could turn the water into something a little fruity, but not too sweet.

Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19)
    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    CANA     After hearing wine was back on the menu, local bridesmaid Abigail approached Jesus and asked if He could turn the water into something a little fruity, but not too sweet.

    "Can I get something sweet, but not like, too sweet?" asked Abigail to the Lord of all Creation. "Ugh, I just can't decide. I usually like vodka, but not whiskey. Maybe something kind of pineapple flavor? Can you do that?"

    Abigail's request, the first of its kind in history, was destined to be repeated by millions upon millions of bridesmaids at every wedding ever held in this and other universes. Knowing this, Jesus kindly told Abigail that He was simply saving the wedding and did not perform miracles to make people's favorite drinks. He did, however, tell Abigail that bridesmaids who make that specific request will always be pleased with their order, without fail.

    Fortuitously, the bride dragged Abigail away at that moment to join her for the ancient, counter-intuitive ritual of women dancing at weddings to Beyoncé's "All My Single Ladies". Afterwards, the bridesmaids formed a circle and one by one performed the eyes-closed, quasi-shimmy dance that originated amongst Israelites in the days of Jacob.

    At publishing time, Abigail had reportedly tried the wine and said it was indeed "so good", and that she would definitely order it again.
Go Back

Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )

Angels Announce McDonald's Ice Cream Machines On New Earth Will Work 67% Of The Time Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics Weak Christian Needs Bible Tabs To Find Habakkuk


Latest Op-Ed & Politics

Netherlands is world's second largest exporter of food by value
A new poll shows that Republican voters put Florida Governor Ron DeSantis at the top of deep list of politicians they want to see influence the party’s direction.
Davis Patterson, a bystander during a shooting that left a dozen dead, has been arrested for misgendering the shooter, Blake Jacobson, who is non-binary.
Twitter CEO Elon Musk announced a blanket amnesty for Twitter users permanently suspended from the platform.
With rising interest rates, experts expect the U.K. to remain in a recession into 2024
CNN host Alisyn Camerota and a guest on the network struggled with the gender non-conforming identity of the Colorado “Club Q” shooting suspect.
U.S. State Department officials defended themselves Sunday after awarding Ecuador a grant of over $20,000 for a cultural center to host drag shows for LGBTQ communities in the South American country.
The N.C. Home Builders Association is sharing its concerns about a recent court ruling against an Ashe County asphalt plant.
says schools are for education, not indoctrination


Former Trump administration economic adviser Larry Kudlow blasted President Joe Biden, accusing him of lying about the state of the economy.
President Joe Biden announced his intention to push for new gun control legislation in the lame-duck session of Congress.
Wondering why people actually still vote for Democrats? Believe it or not, there are still Democrat voters out there and we've compiled their top reasons for doing so!
Two NBA players were ejected from a game over the weekend after they engaged in a fight that ended up in the stands.
When I was a tenth grade student, I had the good fortune to have an English teacher named MS. Comer.
While Arizona’s handling of the midterm election has been the focus of media outlets and pundits for some time, California still has more than 250,000 uncounted ballots across the state.
At least two counties in Arizona have confirmed that their certification of the 2022 election will be delayed as the state’s attorney general’s office wrote a letter claiming there’s evidence of “statutory violations” that occurred in Maricopa County on Election Day.
In a shocking statement to police, Paul Pelosi claimed that he was assaulted by a man who threw hammers at him while shouting, "THIS IS MAGA COUNTRY!"


New Hampshire Republican Governor Chris Sununu traded barbs with NBC News’s Chuck Todd over what voters should prioritize this election cycle.
The Biden administration began notifying Americans who applied for student loan forgiveness on Saturday that their requests had been greenlit, even as the controversial policy continues to move through the federal court system.
Thirteen billion people have already died horrible deaths mere hours after former President Donald Trump was reinstated to Twitter.
Even as health officials warn of a coming winter spike in COVID cases and the federal government urges millions of Americans to get a third booster, worry over the virus has dropped to just 28%, according to a new poll.
While speaking at a public symposium on behalf of The Association of Donut Lovers, Georgia Governor Stacey Abrams claimed obesity was just numbers manufactured by her bathroom scale.
Conservative commentators like Meghan McCain, Clay Travis, and others dragged CBS News for taking a “victory lap” on the authenticity of Hunter Biden’s laptop years after most outlets had already confirmed it was real.
Sheetz offering lower prices on unleaded 88 gas until November 28 as a benefit to those in need


Back to Top