Overweight Man Reassures Doctor That His 8.5% Weight Inflation Is No Longer A Problem As His Weight Inflation This Month Is 0 | Eastern North Carolina Now | According to sources local man Derrick Chatum has been putting on weight at an alarming rate.

Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19)
    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    KNOXVILLE, TN     According to sources local man Derrick Chatum has been putting on weight at an alarming rate. This year alone, his weight inflation has swelled to 8.5%. To put his concerned doctor at ease, Derrick has explained that his weight inflation for the month is 0.

    "I got one number for you this month, Doc. It's 0. That's right zero. Nada. Zilch!" explained Derrick. "See my unprecedented and historic 8.5% weight inflation is all under control. Nothing to worry about!"

    "In fact, my doctor was expecting my weight gain to be up by 8.7%, but boy did I prove him wrong! My weight gain is only up 8.5% for the year. So take that, Doc!" Derrick added enthusiastically. "So I don't want to hear any more complaining about my size or concerns for my health - I've clearly got this problem solved."

    According to sources, Derrick's wife Catherine has pointed out several simple solutions to reduce his weight inflation, but Derrick has been seemingly insistent on doing the exact opposite. She has urged him to try eating less, buying less junk food, and to try working out, but Derrick assures her his weight is no longer an issue.

    At publishing time, Derrick decided to put the Chatum household on a health plan he called the Weight Inflation Reduction Act, which is set to promote health and fight weight inflation by massively increasing their fast food, door dash, and cable package budgets.
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Catholics Unveil High-Capacity Assault Rosary Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics ‘People Are Basically Good,’ Says Man Unfamiliar With People


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

The months-long drought in southern Texas has ended after local woman Stacy Ramage emptied all the water bottles from her nightstand into the water supply.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky announced on Friday that his nation has formally submitted an expedited application to become a member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO).
Voter I.D. garners more support than the president or the governor
The full measure of Hurricane Ian‘s coast-to-coast trail of death and devastation in Florida was revealed as dawn broke Friday, including at least 19 deaths, countless homes washed out to sea, and millions without power
Stacey Abrams turned the medical world upside-down earlier this week with her revelation that heartbeats are a complete scam, concocted to trick women into thinking babies are alive.
Florida first lady Casey DeSantis announced Thursday evening that within just a few hours of activating the Florida Disaster Fund that more than $10 million has been raised to support communities impacted by Hurricane Ian.
Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) said during an interview Thursday night that he believes that there has been “retaliation” taken against FBI whistleblowers who have exposed alleged problems within the Bureau in recent weeks.
Military experts believe the Russian war effort may be in trouble after Vladimir Putin was seen attempting to teach polar bears how to drive tanks.
The U.S. Senate passed a stopgap bill Thursday, seeking to avoid a partial government shutdown while also sending billions of dollars more to Ukraine.

HbAD1

Sunday is the least popular day to vote in most counties that offer one-stop voting on those days
Vice President Kamala Harris (D) faced mockery Thursday over a series of events that unfolded during her trip to South Korea.
Local man John Falco received the tragic news today from his doctor that all the things happening to his body are completely normal, he's simply 40 years old now.
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) claimed during a House hearing Thursday that abortion was an economic issue because if women are not allowed to have an abortion, then parents are effectively “conscripted” to work against their will.
Big Tech is a govenrment actor and violating our free speech rights
Ian expected to strengthen into Category 1 Hurricane before making landfall in South Carolina
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (R) has provided an update on estimated fatalities as a result of Hurricane Ian after Sheriff Carmine Marceno said during an interview Thursday morning that he believed hundreds of people had been killed.

HbAD2

If you've ever wondered if you should leave a church, wonder no more – The Babylon Bee is here to help! Here are 10 solid, biblically-defensible excuses for leaving a church that's not serving you enough:
The Biden administration is signaling that it wants to blunt any rightward turn by Israel in the event that Benjamin Netanyahu returns to power, singling out one potential ally of the former prime minister as “a huge problem for us.”
A second Raleigh healthcare company executive has pled guilty to defrauding the Medicare system for millions of dollars.
A medical doctor at Planned Parenthood falsely claimed during a House Oversight Committee hearing on Thursday that men can get pregnant and have babies.
Former President Bill Clinton (D) told CNN this week that there was a limit to how many migrants the U.S. can take in before the country experiences a severe disruption which flies in the face of what other Democrats have advocated for.
"In the end the whole point of doing it is so that you get a sample that is representative of the electorate,” said Brock McCleary, vice president of Cygnal Polling and Analytics
A video posted on social media by law enforcement in Lee County, Florida, showed massive devastation from Hurricane Ian throughout the area surrounding the coastal city of Fort Myers.

HbAD3

 
Back to Top