Scholars Now Believe Esau Sold His Birthright For A Marshmallow & Jell-O Salad | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    BEER-LAHAI-ROI     Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow & Jell-O salad.

    Ancient writings confirm Jacob prepared the delectable dish knowing how much everyone loved it, including his brother.

    "This story makes sense now; who could resist a deliciously-fluffy green Jell-O salad?" said biblical scholar Dr. Heb Rewguy, brimming with excitement. "We scholars had always been doubtful of the old translation claiming a man would sell his entire birthright for a bit of pottage. I mean, WTF, amirite?"

    Researchers also revealed a vast network of marshmallow trade routes spanning the ancient Holy Lands. This so-called "Mallow Road" bustled with travel and trade all year long, but was busiest in the weeks leading up to Israeli Thanksgiving.

    At publishing time, scholars had confirmed that the manna provided by God to the Israelites was actually a cabbage & raisin Jell-O salad.