Sad: Casting Director For New Spiderman Movie Unable To Find Actor Who Hasn't Already Played Spiderman | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    HOLLYWOOD     According to a Variety report published on "coming attractions" in the superhero film genre, the casting director for an upcoming Spider-Man film project has been unable to find an actor who hasn't already portrayed the beloved web-slinger.

    "Say, what about Andrew Garfield?" casting director Jerrick Jones asked as he snapped his fingers. "He's a little old, but he can skew young and - oh no, I forgot about those two Amazing Spider-Man movies. Ugh!"

    "Curse you, Andrew Garfield!"

    Sources reveal the film rights to Spider-Man are split between every movie studio on the planet and they all want a piece of the pie. Sony and Disney famously made a deal to bring a version of Spider-Man to the Marvel Cinematic Universe while Sony continues to make animated features and movies involving other Spider-Man characters like Venom. Other studios, meanwhile, may only have the rights to a version of Spider-Man that performs sweeping kicks or who rides a segway to his job at The Daily Bugle.

    "There are over 7,000 Spider-Man films in pre-production at any given time," admitted Jones. "It makes it really hard to keep track of who hasn't already played Spider-Man."

    Jerrick Jones isn't the only one struggling. A whole team of casting directors work round the clock searching for new actors to be Spider-Man. Some agencies have given up looking for anyone right for the part and instead search for actors they are sure have never played Spider-Man at all.

    "That's how I famously cast John Mulaney as Spider-Ham," Jerrick Jones said proudly. "But every new Spider-Man I recruit just makes my job harder."

    At publishing, unable to find anyone new, producers were forced to draw a name out of a hat of previous Spider-Man actors and picked Tom Holland again. "Oh, I guess it has to be a follow-up to No Way Home then. Someone call the girl from Dune!"