Babylon Bee | Eastern NC Now

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

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Babylon Bee  

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

A concerned husband assured his wife on Wednesday he was only reading Song of Solomon to study profound theological doctrine, not to check out the...er... you know..."interesting" bits.
A concerned husband assured his wife on Wednesday he was only reading Song of Solomon to study profound theological doctrine, not to check out the...er... you know..."interesting" bits.
 
In a tense exchange with the press today, President Biden defended himself against charges of corruption and bribery, claiming that a recent $10 million payment to his cat Willow is "totally legitimate" and there's nothing weird about it at all.
In a tense exchange with the press today, President Biden defended himself against charges of corruption and bribery, claiming that a recent $10 million payment to his cat Willow is "totally legitimate" and there's nothing weird about it at all.
 
Researchers with the U.S. Food & Drug Administration have determined that cereal reaches its peak flavor at 10 pm if eaten on the couch while watching a true crime documentary.
Researchers with the U.S. Food & Drug Administration have determined that cereal reaches its peak flavor at 10 pm if eaten on the couch while watching a true crime documentary.
 
Gov. Ron DeSantis signed an executive order Friday to prevent Link, the hero of Hyrule, from wearing the female clothing of the Gerudo people.
Gov. Ron DeSantis signed an executive order Friday to prevent Link, the hero of Hyrule, from wearing the female clothing of the Gerudo people.
 
House and Senate lawmakers have reportedly come to a deal to avoid defaulting on the national debt by raising the debt ceiling to infinity million billion +1.
House and Senate lawmakers have reportedly come to a deal to avoid defaulting on the national debt by raising the debt ceiling to infinity million billion +1.
 
Appearing before the Senate beneath a mysterious, hooded robe, California Senator Diane Feinstein addressed the hushed audience, speaking in a gravelly, Sidious-like voice.
Appearing before the Senate beneath a mysterious, hooded robe, California Senator Diane Feinstein addressed the hushed audience, speaking in a gravelly, Sidious-like voice.
 
A mysterious new virus is forcing millions of people around the world to call in sick to work today, according to sources.
A mysterious new virus is forcing millions of people around the world to call in sick to work today, according to sources.
 
A visibly shaken Kaitlan Collins announced she will be suing Trump for assault and defamation after being destroyed by the former President on national television last night.
A visibly shaken Kaitlan Collins announced she will be suing Trump for assault and defamation after being destroyed by the former President on national television last night.
 
In a last-ditch effort to stem the tide of illegal migrants crossing the border, locals in Arizona and Texas have resorted to hanging Bud Light signs all over the wall in hopes of scaring away would-be crossers.
In a last-ditch effort to stem the tide of illegal migrants crossing the border, locals in Arizona and Texas have resorted to hanging Bud Light signs all over the wall in hopes of scaring away would-be crossers.
 
In what is sure to provide much-needed relief in military spending costs, officials at the Pentagon announced today that, rather than dropping bombs, the United States Air Force will begin dropping morbidly obese airmen on enemy targets.
In what is sure to provide much-needed relief in military spending costs, officials at the Pentagon announced today that, rather than dropping bombs, the United States Air Force will begin dropping morbidly obese airmen on enemy targets.
 
The beloved series The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis has been treasured for over half a century, but did you know the books are actually allegorical, too? They are!
The beloved series The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis has been treasured for over half a century, but did you know the books are actually allegorical, too? They are!
 
Good news! Achieving peak physical fitness doesn't have to be an unsolvable enigma. There are surefire ways to guarantee you a ripped, wrecked, yoked, strapped, shredded physique in no time.
Good news! Achieving peak physical fitness doesn't have to be an unsolvable enigma. There are surefire ways to guarantee you a ripped, wrecked, yoked, strapped, shredded physique in no time.
 
In the most recent instance of his seemingly endless series of gaffes, President Joe Biden was left red-faced after he inadvertently signed an actual human being named "Bill" rather than a piece of legislation.
In the most recent instance of his seemingly endless series of gaffes, President Joe Biden was left red-faced after he inadvertently signed an actual human being named "Bill" rather than a piece of legislation.
 
With unprecedented numbers of migrants lined up at the southern U.S. border, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas was seen heading there to fire a starter's pistol the moment Title 42 is to expire.
With unprecedented numbers of migrants lined up at the southern U.S. border, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas was seen heading there to fire a starter's pistol the moment Title 42 is to expire.
 
Pastor Paul Duncan captured his Gen Z youth group's attention this week by delivering a powerful, poignant sermon on "Joseph And His Many Colored Bussin' Drip."
Pastor Paul Duncan captured his Gen Z youth group's attention this week by delivering a powerful, poignant sermon on "Joseph And His Many Colored Bussin' Drip."
 
Amid lawlessness, human tragedy, and 750,000 people preparing to rush the southern border this Thursday, President Biden talked to the press and assured the American people that someone in his administration is probably going to do something about it.
Amid lawlessness, human tragedy, and 750,000 people preparing to rush the southern border this Thursday, President Biden talked to the press and assured the American people that someone in his administration is probably going to do something about it.
 
Authorities have been dispatched to a local residence after disturbing reports that a set of parents — who are clearly deranged psychopaths — lit a chocolate cake on fire and then gave it to an innocent child.
Authorities have been dispatched to a local residence after disturbing reports that a set of parents — who are clearly deranged psychopaths — lit a chocolate cake on fire and then gave it to an innocent child.
 
Heavenly Father - thank you that I, David French, am so much more righteous than all the other white evangelicals in the world.
Heavenly Father - thank you that I, David French, am so much more righteous than all the other white evangelicals in the world.
 
Local man William Swoop arrived home after a long day at work Friday but found himself incapable of shutting off his car and entering his home.
Local man William Swoop arrived home after a long day at work Friday but found himself incapable of shutting off his car and entering his home.
 
A local little league baseball game was brought to a halt over the weekend after confusion arose over who the crowd was cheering.
A local little league baseball game was brought to a halt over the weekend after confusion arose over who the crowd was cheering.
 
Amid incessant fears that Don Lemon may somehow find a way to return to his post at CNN, leadership at the satirical news organization took an unprecedented measure today and fired him for a second time, just to make sure.
Amid incessant fears that Don Lemon may somehow find a way to return to his post at CNN, leadership at the satirical news organization took an unprecedented measure today and fired him for a second time, just to make sure.
 
Local one year old Ryker Thomas has come under fire after appearing in blackface at his first birthday party.
Local one year old Ryker Thomas has come under fire after appearing in blackface at his first birthday party.
 
After collecting twelve baskets of leftover food from Jesus' miraculous feeding of the five-thousand, the disciples asked the kid who brought fish and loaves if perhaps his mom could pack wings and nachos next time.
After collecting twelve baskets of leftover food from Jesus' miraculous feeding of the five-thousand, the disciples asked the kid who brought fish and loaves if perhaps his mom could pack wings and nachos next time.
 
Tragedy unfolded at today's coronation after King Charles lost control of his ice powers and froze most of London.
Tragedy unfolded at today's coronation after King Charles lost control of his ice powers and froze most of London.
 
Deprived of free group therapy after late-night shows were shut down by the writers' strike, liberals have found themselves now having to pay for actual psychotherapy.
Deprived of free group therapy after late-night shows were shut down by the writers' strike, liberals have found themselves now having to pay for actual psychotherapy.
 
After word got out that an FBI whistleblower was accusing Joe Biden of taking bribes during his time as Vice President, the President quickly told his advisors that he needed to spin the "Wheel of Distraction" to get everyone talking about something else.
After word got out that an FBI whistleblower was accusing Joe Biden of taking bribes during his time as Vice President, the President quickly told his advisors that he needed to spin the "Wheel of Distraction" to get everyone talking about something else.
 
In an effort to establish government oversight of the growing role of artificial intelligence in our society, President Biden has appointed Vice President Kamala Harris as "A.I. Czar."
In an effort to establish government oversight of the growing role of artificial intelligence in our society, President Biden has appointed Vice President Kamala Harris as "A.I. Czar."
 
A local man who has never read a page of science fiction has reportedly sung praises at how great A.I. will be for humanity, insisting it will bring forth a fruitful world of peace and prosperity.
A local man who has never read a page of science fiction has reportedly sung praises at how great A.I. will be for humanity, insisting it will bring forth a fruitful world of peace and prosperity.
 
An adult male is reportedly still using the phrase "cool beans" despite the current year being 2023, sources say. Dallas Woodrow, an Arizona native, shocked co-workers at Desert Burro Ltd. when he used the term to acknowledge a job well done.
An adult male is reportedly still using the phrase "cool beans" despite the current year being 2023, sources say. Dallas Woodrow, an Arizona native, shocked co-workers at Desert Burro Ltd. when he used the term to acknowledge a job well done.
 
A group of local bros were able to provide their own entertainment during a night out drinking cosmos as they took turns laughing at their friend who had gayly ordered a Bud Light.
A group of local bros were able to provide their own entertainment during a night out drinking cosmos as they took turns laughing at their friend who had gayly ordered a Bud Light.
 
After a judge ruled Trump liable in the sexual abuse and defamation case brought by E. Jean Carroll, the former President responded by announcing he would pay the $5 million judgment using his collectible NFT trading cards.
After a judge ruled Trump liable in the sexual abuse and defamation case brought by E. Jean Carroll, the former President responded by announcing he would pay the $5 million judgment using his collectible NFT trading cards.
 
A local father determined the time had come to sit his young son down and officially have "The Talk"...about the Star Wars sequel trilogy. The man reportedly knew he couldn't avoid it any longer once the boy began to talk about how great The Last Jedi was.
A local father determined the time had come to sit his young son down and officially have "The Talk"...about the Star Wars sequel trilogy. The man reportedly knew he couldn't avoid it any longer once the boy began to talk about how great The Last Jedi was.
 
The Attenborough family reportedly expressed regret for having brought Grandpa to the beach with them for a leisure weekend. The grandkids in particular wished he would just shut up and let them enjoy the beach.
The Attenborough family reportedly expressed regret for having brought Grandpa to the beach with them for a leisure weekend. The grandkids in particular wished he would just shut up and let them enjoy the beach.
 
At a recent PDGA Tour event, professional disc golfer Andy Consulas found himself disqualified after officials subjected him to a random drug test and discovered his urine was negative for cannabis.
At a recent PDGA Tour event, professional disc golfer Andy Consulas found himself disqualified after officials subjected him to a random drug test and discovered his urine was negative for cannabis.
 
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