Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.
Published: Tuesday, March 26th, 2024 @ 12:22 am
By: Babylon Bee
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When you're planning for the future, it's best to know the right places to invest and what you can rely on down the road. Surprising as it may be, depending on the United States federal government has not always gone well!
Published: Wednesday, February 7th, 2024 @ 11:32 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In the wake of its decision to return to a more attractive marketing presentation of its product, clothing maker Victoria's Secret has quietly canceled its planned Lizzo lingerie line.
Published: Monday, December 11th, 2023 @ 12:46 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a traumatic upset for the sporting world, Taylor Swift has been traded from the Kansas City Chiefs to the New York Jets, where she will begin dating tight end Tyler Conklin.
Published: Wednesday, November 29th, 2023 @ 8:59 am
By: Babylon Bee
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You've already seen the headlines — conservatives are trying to BAN BOOKS! Now, there is confirmation of this nefarious far-right plot to censor what American kids are allowed to read by removing them from school libraries while keeping them freely available everywhere else.
Published: Thursday, November 23rd, 2023 @ 10:01 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In a meaningful moment that was years in the making, the bronze statue of Robert E. Lee that once stood in Charlottesville gave one final, solemn thumbs-up as it was melted down in a blazing furnace.
Published: Wednesday, November 8th, 2023 @ 5:43 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Despite living in the hometown of the Connecticut Sun basketball team and having no other professional sports franchises in the state, a local man has struggled to persuade his friends to join his WNBA fantasy league.
Published: Saturday, October 28th, 2023 @ 3:29 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) sparred with CNN’s Dana Bash over Democrats’ position on abortion on Sunday.
Published: Wednesday, October 25th, 2023 @ 12:03 am
By: Daily Wire
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According to newly released studies, everyone sitting on the beach around you really wants to hear that trash music you're playing so crank it up to an eleven and don't take those sideways glares and mean stares as anything but encouragement
Published: Tuesday, October 10th, 2023 @ 12:31 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After years of being totally obscured by Lizzo's shadow, her backup dancers have finally had enough.
Published: Tuesday, October 3rd, 2023 @ 9:31 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A.I.-generated supermodels are turning heads and garnering millions of followers with their slim, lithe, fake bodies showing off fake bikinis and elegant, non-existent gowns.
Published: Tuesday, October 3rd, 2023 @ 3:06 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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As news reports regarding plus-sized rapper/actress/flutist Lizzo's alleged outrageous acts that resulted in her being sued by former backup dancers, the Library of Congress discretely made the decision to thoroughly clean President James Madison's crystal flute
Published: Sunday, October 1st, 2023 @ 7:09 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After a terrifying three days, the prophet Jonah gathered his Assyrian followers around him to recount the harrowing tale of being tossed into the sea and swallowed by Lizzo, that mighty beast of old.
Published: Saturday, September 30th, 2023 @ 7:50 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A lawsuit brought by former members of Lizzo's backup dance team is alleging the corpulent singer terrorized them by eating them and their entire families.
Published: Friday, September 29th, 2023 @ 11:45 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Americans in cities racked by violent crime are taking a drastic approach to protect themselves, their valuables, and their loved ones.
Published: Saturday, September 16th, 2023 @ 3:37 pm
By: Daily Wire
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The Supreme Court issued a ruling on the abortion drug mifepristone.
Published: Sunday, September 10th, 2023 @ 6:11 pm
By: Daily Wire
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As part of his administration's expanding efforts to celebrate Pride Month, President Joe Biden has announced the Iwo Jima memorial will be updated to feature the Pride flag.
Published: Saturday, July 22nd, 2023 @ 10:23 am
By: Babylon Bee
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At long last, the end of the world is upon us. At any minute the trumpets will sound and we'll be caught up into heaven, leaving only our clothes and jewelry behind-- just like in the theologically accurate international blockbuster film Left Behind.
Published: Wednesday, July 5th, 2023 @ 12:27 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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So-called “forever chemicals” in drinking water are contributing to obesity and making weight loss harder, a new study finds.
Published: Sunday, June 25th, 2023 @ 12:34 am
By: Daily Wire
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The rise of electric vehicles could lead to more parking garage collapses like the one earlier this week.
Published: Wednesday, June 14th, 2023 @ 11:35 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) slammed the Biden administration’s new EPA rules around electric vehicles and tailpipe emissions.
Published: Thursday, June 1st, 2023 @ 9:47 am
By: Daily Wire
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‘Whitey On The Moon’: First Black Astronaut To Orbit The Moon Uses 70s Poem To Make Space About RaceThe first Black astronaut to orbit the moon is making the space race about race.
Published: Wednesday, May 31st, 2023 @ 5:55 pm
By: Daily Wire
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A Florida apiarist was bee-reft of over a million bees after a truck slammed into him while hauling his hives.
Published: Tuesday, May 30th, 2023 @ 8:47 am
By: Daily Wire
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The world of political media is still reeling from the shocking news of Tucker Carlson being let go, but as with anything in the fast-paced business of cable news, the show must go on.
Published: Monday, May 29th, 2023 @ 7:57 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Google and Alphabet CEO Sundar Pichai said Sunday that lawmakers should regulate the use of artificial intelligence, suggesting the advanced technology could impact the economy and potentially create a dangerous environment worldwide.
Published: Saturday, May 27th, 2023 @ 4:26 pm
By: Daily Wire
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House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer (R-KY) said he’s lost track of the informant who was the source for the investigation into alleged corruption centered around President Joe Biden and his family.
Published: Saturday, May 27th, 2023 @ 4:18 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Police in North Carolina got a helping hoof this week when a herd of cattle aided in the roundup of a suspect on the run.
Published: Friday, May 19th, 2023 @ 12:56 pm
By: Daily Wire
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California’s committee on reparations for the descendants of slaves wants the state to apologize for the term “welfare queens.”
Published: Friday, May 19th, 2023 @ 12:14 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Congresswoman Nancy Mace (R-SC) hit back at Democrats and leftist athletes who opposed a Republican bill to protect women’s sports.
Published: Friday, May 12th, 2023 @ 10:38 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Law enforcement officials in Texas are baffled by a string of strange cattle mutilations in recent weeks.
Published: Friday, May 12th, 2023 @ 10:23 pm
By: Daily Wire
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One of the two Tennessee State Representatives ousted for participating in the storming of the Tennessee State House has been re-appointed to his seat.
Published: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023 @ 8:44 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Lindsey Graham: Biden Admin Afghanistan Report ‘A Political Whitewash … To Shift Blame’ For FailuresSen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) described the Biden administration’s report on the Afghanistan withdrawal as “a political whitewash.”
Published: Monday, May 8th, 2023 @ 11:49 am
By: Daily Wire
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Senator Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ) is preparing to run for re-election in 2024.
Published: Saturday, May 6th, 2023 @ 1:12 pm
By: Daily Wire
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There are demons out there, y'all. An entire unseen world doing battle for everyone's souls, and we're just stuck here in the middle of it, eating our ramen noodles and watching reality TV. Just think, you may be possessed by a demon right now and you don't even know it!
Published: Friday, May 5th, 2023 @ 1:38 am
By: Babylon Bee
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