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Babylon Bee's Entries

An ancient, wizened sage from a bygone era gathered a group of fascinated children around his knee to recount the Legend of the 29-cent Del Taco Value Taco.
An ancient, wizened sage from a bygone era gathered a group of fascinated children around his knee to recount the Legend of the 29-cent Del Taco Value Taco.
 
In an attempt to increase his credibility on the street, rapper-actor Ice Cube booked an appearance on conservative media pundit Tucker Carlson's show on Twitter (AKA "X"), thinking anyone seeing him hanging around Carlson will have no doubt he's a tough customer.
In an attempt to increase his credibility on the street, rapper-actor Ice Cube booked an appearance on conservative media pundit Tucker Carlson's show on Twitter (AKA "X"), thinking anyone seeing him hanging around Carlson will have no doubt he's a tough customer.
 
A strange cocaine-like substance discovered at a federal court Wednesday definitely did not belong to Hunter Biden despite it being found on his courtroom chair.
A strange cocaine-like substance discovered at a federal court Wednesday definitely did not belong to Hunter Biden despite it being found on his courtroom chair.
 
An unexpected period of sudden transition swept through the nation's capital today after the White House announced President Joe Biden had to be put down after yet another incident in which he bit a baby.
An unexpected period of sudden transition swept through the nation's capital today after the White House announced President Joe Biden had to be put down after yet another incident in which he bit a baby.
 
With the public at large still adjusting to more modernized retail service, a local restaurant was forced to hire additional personnel who would be responsible for telling customers they need to order at the automated kiosks instead of the counter.
With the public at large still adjusting to more modernized retail service, a local restaurant was forced to hire additional personnel who would be responsible for telling customers they need to order at the automated kiosks instead of the counter.
 
Citizens of Earth gathered with their loved ones for what many believe may have been the last time and braced for the possible end of the world, as news arrived that the insidious cabal known as "MAGA Republicans" had convened in a hidden underground lair
Citizens of Earth gathered with their loved ones for what many believe may have been the last time and braced for the possible end of the world, as news arrived that the insidious cabal known as "MAGA Republicans" had convened in a hidden underground lair
 
In a moment that will go down in history books for generations to come, Georgia's Fulton County has released an exclusive first official photograph of the 47th President of the United States, more than a full year before his 2024 election will even be held.
In a moment that will go down in history books for generations to come, Georgia's Fulton County has released an exclusive first official photograph of the 47th President of the United States, more than a full year before his 2024 election will even be held.
 
As the kingdom of Narnia continues to warm at an alarming rate, the White Witch issued a statement this morning blaming the troubling thaw on the recently arrived lion Aslan.
As the kingdom of Narnia continues to warm at an alarming rate, the White Witch issued a statement this morning blaming the troubling thaw on the recently arrived lion Aslan.
 
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy did not mince words following revelations this month of Biden family corruption from whistleblowers in the government.
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy did not mince words following revelations this month of Biden family corruption from whistleblowers in the government.
 
After receiving John the Baptist's head on a platter as requested, Herod's daughter started to wish she had just asked for a cute purse instead.
After receiving John the Baptist's head on a platter as requested, Herod's daughter started to wish she had just asked for a cute purse instead.
 
LINCOLN, NE — According to multiple witnesses, hilarious comedienne Chelsea Handler burst into a family's living room to tell them she was totally happy being child-free and not at all miserable or anything.
LINCOLN, NE — According to multiple witnesses, hilarious comedienne Chelsea Handler burst into a family's living room to tell them she was totally happy being child-free and not at all miserable or anything.
 
Parents around the world live in crippling fear of their children becoming fans of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, which is a dark road that can lead to misogyny and fascism.
Parents around the world live in crippling fear of their children becoming fans of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, which is a dark road that can lead to misogyny and fascism.
 
A local woman has written off trying to find someone special, insisting every man she has ever dated was a narcissist, complaining the men always talk about themselves when clearly they should be talking about her instead.
A local woman has written off trying to find someone special, insisting every man she has ever dated was a narcissist, complaining the men always talk about themselves when clearly they should be talking about her instead.
 
A so-called conservative was spotted exercising while wearing noise-canceling earbuds DESPITE previous claims of being totally against cancel culture.
A so-called conservative was spotted exercising while wearing noise-canceling earbuds DESPITE previous claims of being totally against cancel culture.
 
The drive-thru of a local Dunkin' Donuts was brought to a grinding halt this morning, as conservative media pundit, violinist, and doctor-husband Ben Shapiro continued his impassioned negative review of the new Barbie movie.
The drive-thru of a local Dunkin' Donuts was brought to a grinding halt this morning, as conservative media pundit, violinist, and doctor-husband Ben Shapiro continued his impassioned negative review of the new Barbie movie.
 
Twitter owner Elon Musk has rebranded the popular social media app under the name "X."
Twitter owner Elon Musk has rebranded the popular social media app under the name "X."
 
In a welcome change for millions of modern Christians, the former cardinal sin of gluttony has been demoted to only "kind of a sin."
In a welcome change for millions of modern Christians, the former cardinal sin of gluttony has been demoted to only "kind of a sin."
 
In a stunning coincidence, the Holy Spirit descended in power to bring about revival exactly when First Baptist of Cedar Rapids had scheduled a revival service.
In a stunning coincidence, the Holy Spirit descended in power to bring about revival exactly when First Baptist of Cedar Rapids had scheduled a revival service.
 
Scholars at Dallas Theological Seminary say they now believe that Jacob's first assessment of Leah was to describe her as "mid".
Scholars at Dallas Theological Seminary say they now believe that Jacob's first assessment of Leah was to describe her as "mid".
 
Local man Heath Bentley declared to his friend Gill today that no person needs an AR-15, displaying his obvious ignorance of Texas cockroaches.
Local man Heath Bentley declared to his friend Gill today that no person needs an AR-15, displaying his obvious ignorance of Texas cockroaches.
 
The infamous unsolved murder of rapper Tupac Shakur on the streets of Las Vegas, once thought to be a hit by the Southside Crips, is now believed to be the work of none other than former President Donald J. Trump, who authorities believe acted alone.
The infamous unsolved murder of rapper Tupac Shakur on the streets of Las Vegas, once thought to be a hit by the Southside Crips, is now believed to be the work of none other than former President Donald J. Trump, who authorities believe acted alone.
 
Former President Donald Trump has announced that he will make Vivek Ramaswamy head of Tech Support in his next administration.
Former President Donald Trump has announced that he will make Vivek Ramaswamy head of Tech Support in his next administration.
 
Black box recordings have confirmed that as United Flight 452 hurtled towards the earth in a giant fireball, flight attendant Alice Turner smugly derided the passengers who had failed to listen to her pre-flight safety presentation.
Black box recordings have confirmed that as United Flight 452 hurtled towards the earth in a giant fireball, flight attendant Alice Turner smugly derided the passengers who had failed to listen to her pre-flight safety presentation.
 
According to sources, a local labrador retriever is being cruelly neglected by his humans as they haven't even played with him in over 10 minutes.
According to sources, a local labrador retriever is being cruelly neglected by his humans as they haven't even played with him in over 10 minutes.
 
With other ideas having failed, the family of Professor-Author-Philosopher Dr. Jordan B. Peterson made one final, desperate attempt to distract him with several cats in order to confiscate his phone.
With other ideas having failed, the family of Professor-Author-Philosopher Dr. Jordan B. Peterson made one final, desperate attempt to distract him with several cats in order to confiscate his phone.
 
After an order from New York Mayor Eric Adams, the Statue of Liberty has been altered to signify that the city is full of illegal immigrants and cannot take any more. Lady Liberty will now hold a sign redirecting migrants to New Jersey.
After an order from New York Mayor Eric Adams, the Statue of Liberty has been altered to signify that the city is full of illegal immigrants and cannot take any more. Lady Liberty will now hold a sign redirecting migrants to New Jersey.
 
Historians at the revered University of Edinburgh have announced new findings that have led them to believe God chose Aaron to speak to Pharaoh because Moses talked like Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
Historians at the revered University of Edinburgh have announced new findings that have led them to believe God chose Aaron to speak to Pharaoh because Moses talked like Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
 
What a guy! As more evidence continues to emerge regarding Biden's selling influence and favors to foreign governments for bribe money, The President has announced he will be selflessly donating the remainder of his bribe money to charity.
What a guy! As more evidence continues to emerge regarding Biden's selling influence and favors to foreign governments for bribe money, The President has announced he will be selflessly donating the remainder of his bribe money to charity.
 
In an attempt to avoid further injury and traumatic incidents involving Caucasians eating food that's far too spicy for them, the scientists behind the Scoville Scale have announced they are releasing a separate spiciness scale for white people.
In an attempt to avoid further injury and traumatic incidents involving Caucasians eating food that's far too spicy for them, the scientists behind the Scoville Scale have announced they are releasing a separate spiciness scale for white people.
 
As news filtered out that there was one, lone winning lottery ticket in last night's $1.1 billion Powerball jackpot drawing, speculation ran rampant about what the lucky winner would buy first.
As news filtered out that there was one, lone winning lottery ticket in last night's $1.1 billion Powerball jackpot drawing, speculation ran rampant about what the lucky winner would buy first.
 
A team of Marines was seen trudging through the woods, stopping every 30 feet to wave a key fob around in a 90° arc, say campers at Francis Marion National Forest.
A team of Marines was seen trudging through the woods, stopping every 30 feet to wave a key fob around in a 90° arc, say campers at Francis Marion National Forest.
 
After concerns arose previously over President Joe Biden's overall health when the public learned of his use of a CPAP machine at night, White House medical personnel expressed positive feelings about how well Biden is now sleeping without assistance.
After concerns arose previously over President Joe Biden's overall health when the public learned of his use of a CPAP machine at night, White House medical personnel expressed positive feelings about how well Biden is now sleeping without assistance.
 
Country star Jason Aldean released a controversial single this month called "Try That In A Small Town" in which he laid out his belief that crime is bad. He has since been forcefully condemned by the music industry since being against crime is now considered a racist dog whistle.
Country star Jason Aldean released a controversial single this month called "Try That In A Small Town" in which he laid out his belief that crime is bad. He has since been forcefully condemned by the music industry since being against crime is now considered a racist dog whistle.
 
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