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Babylon Bee's Entries

Every hundred years or so, the world is blessed with a piece of art that propels civilization forward and enlightens a new generation, ensuring a better future for the human race. Bluey is that art.
Every hundred years or so, the world is blessed with a piece of art that propels civilization forward and enlightens a new generation, ensuring a better future for the human race. Bluey is that art.
 
College students will have an exciting opportunity this fall, as several educational institutions have announced they will offer credit in gender studies courses to any students who are able to sit through the entirety of the new Barbie movie.
College students will have an exciting opportunity this fall, as several educational institutions have announced they will offer credit in gender studies courses to any students who are able to sit through the entirety of the new Barbie movie.
 
Attorney General Merrick Garland's integrity was called into question during a hearing before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday when Republican lawmakers noted the "Kill Trump" tattoo emblazoned on his forehead.
Attorney General Merrick Garland's integrity was called into question during a hearing before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday when Republican lawmakers noted the "Kill Trump" tattoo emblazoned on his forehead.
 
A local conservative man was frustrated today after waking up and scrolling through his social media accounts and finding out he is now required to come out in defense of Jason Aldean's music.
A local conservative man was frustrated today after waking up and scrolling through his social media accounts and finding out he is now required to come out in defense of Jason Aldean's music.
 
Following a number of nationwide Amber Alerts issued regarding abducted children, journalists have rallied in calling Amber Alerts a QAnon-adjacent conspiracy aimed at misleading the public about harmless, family-friendly child-abducting Americans.
Following a number of nationwide Amber Alerts issued regarding abducted children, journalists have rallied in calling Amber Alerts a QAnon-adjacent conspiracy aimed at misleading the public about harmless, family-friendly child-abducting Americans.
 
With news of a third indictment soon to be handed down by the Department of Justice, insiders at Donald Trump's 2024 presidential campaign are hopeful it will be enough to clinch the Republican nomination.
With news of a third indictment soon to be handed down by the Department of Justice, insiders at Donald Trump's 2024 presidential campaign are hopeful it will be enough to clinch the Republican nomination.
 
The nations of Earth have descended into a mass panic this week after Mad Money host Jim Cramer announced that giant mutant bugs will definitely not attack the Earth next Tuesday at 2:17 pm.
The nations of Earth have descended into a mass panic this week after Mad Money host Jim Cramer announced that giant mutant bugs will definitely not attack the Earth next Tuesday at 2:17 pm.
 
A monumental archaeological expedition has uncovered the location of the Buc-ee's where the people of Israel stopped for refreshments while wandering in the desert after being freed from slavery in Egypt.
A monumental archaeological expedition has uncovered the location of the Buc-ee's where the people of Israel stopped for refreshments while wandering in the desert after being freed from slavery in Egypt.
 
As writers and actors continue to strike against the insatiable greed of the studio executives who have oppressed them for years, The world is now in its third month of realizing they're just fine without Hollywood.
As writers and actors continue to strike against the insatiable greed of the studio executives who have oppressed them for years, The world is now in its third month of realizing they're just fine without Hollywood.
 
A recent study has found that the level of sinful lust generated by Victoria's Secret mailers has plummeted a staggering 800% in recent years. Experts are now attributing this significant decline to one simple, yet profound reason: the once-sexy magazine just isn't as seductive as it used to.
A recent study has found that the level of sinful lust generated by Victoria's Secret mailers has plummeted a staggering 800% in recent years. Experts are now attributing this significant decline to one simple, yet profound reason: the once-sexy magazine just isn't as seductive as it used to.
 
Members of a local church gathering took notice of a substantial increase in the volume of the congregational singing when the worship leader snuck in an old classic hymn during last Sunday morning's service.
Members of a local church gathering took notice of a substantial increase in the volume of the congregational singing when the worship leader snuck in an old classic hymn during last Sunday morning's service.
 
Amid the vast savannah of cubicles that make up the marketing department, Gerald Kneevy is on the hunt. Following a brutal three-day weekend with little social interaction, the department accountant prowls the office in search of his next small-talk victim.
Amid the vast savannah of cubicles that make up the marketing department, Gerald Kneevy is on the hunt. Following a brutal three-day weekend with little social interaction, the department accountant prowls the office in search of his next small-talk victim.
 
The United States Secret Service concluded its investigation into the theft of hamburgers owned by notable clowned man Ronald McDonald after a full-scale search turned up no sign of the missing burger sack or a viable suspect.
The United States Secret Service concluded its investigation into the theft of hamburgers owned by notable clowned man Ronald McDonald after a full-scale search turned up no sign of the missing burger sack or a viable suspect.
 
The Pentagon defended its position of promoting and funding abortions for servicemembers this week, saying that abortion provides the military with a valuable opportunity to become proficient in killing innocent people.
The Pentagon defended its position of promoting and funding abortions for servicemembers this week, saying that abortion provides the military with a valuable opportunity to become proficient in killing innocent people.
 
In an effort to be more sensitive to modern churchgoers, the elders at the Reformed church in Fallbrook decided to spice things up during their worship service by playing some more modern, hip music from the early twentieth century.
In an effort to be more sensitive to modern churchgoers, the elders at the Reformed church in Fallbrook decided to spice things up during their worship service by playing some more modern, hip music from the early twentieth century.
 
During a balloon-bedazzled spectacle on the front steps of the White House, unifying and decent President Biden reiterated that the giant, oversized check from Burisma that he held in his hands was right-wing misinformation.
During a balloon-bedazzled spectacle on the front steps of the White House, unifying and decent President Biden reiterated that the giant, oversized check from Burisma that he held in his hands was right-wing misinformation.
 
A local follower of the new religious sect known as "Christians" expressed frustration after a letter from the Apostle Paul arrived notifying the group of believers that circumcision is not a requirement to be a member of the church.
A local follower of the new religious sect known as "Christians" expressed frustration after a letter from the Apostle Paul arrived notifying the group of believers that circumcision is not a requirement to be a member of the church.
 
DETROIT, MI — With UAW workers officially on strike to demand a 4-day, 32-hour work week, leadership with the Big Three automakers are reportedly struggling with whether to replace the union workers with robots or Mexicans.
DETROIT, MI — With UAW workers officially on strike to demand a 4-day, 32-hour work week, leadership with the Big Three automakers are reportedly struggling with whether to replace the union workers with robots or Mexicans.
 
Members of Knoxville Community Church were shocked as they suddenly realized that the number of people in their worship band officially exceeded the number in the actual congregation.
Members of Knoxville Community Church were shocked as they suddenly realized that the number of people in their worship band officially exceeded the number in the actual congregation.
 
In light of record temperatures, health officials are recommending people stay indoors and pay the government more taxes to support continued meteorological studies so they can find out how hot it's going to be so they can know when to advise you about staying indoors and paying more taxes.
In light of record temperatures, health officials are recommending people stay indoors and pay the government more taxes to support continued meteorological studies so they can find out how hot it's going to be so they can know when to advise you about staying indoors and paying more taxes.
 
With the rumor mill still churning despite the Secret Service closing its investigation, President Joe Biden blamed the presence of cocaine in the West Wing of the White House on a black man who used to live there.
With the rumor mill still churning despite the Secret Service closing its investigation, President Joe Biden blamed the presence of cocaine in the West Wing of the White House on a black man who used to live there.
 
Worship leader Paul "Seven-String" Johnson recently introduced a worship song that came out in 2021 as a "classic hymn," according to sources at Grace Explosion Church.
Worship leader Paul "Seven-String" Johnson recently introduced a worship song that came out in 2021 as a "classic hymn," according to sources at Grace Explosion Church.
 
Federal authorities have begun a massive manhunt for an arsonist who on Friday completely torched three presidential campaigns.
Federal authorities have begun a massive manhunt for an arsonist who on Friday completely torched three presidential campaigns.
 
After watching her grandfather gnaw on a baby on live television, four-year-old Navy Roberts was reportedly relieved that President Biden had disowned her.
After watching her grandfather gnaw on a baby on live television, four-year-old Navy Roberts was reportedly relieved that President Biden had disowned her.
 
Now in its seventh installment, the newest Mission Impossible will see Tom Cruise face his most daunting task yet: retrieving a bag of Lay's potato chips from a moderately high shelf.
Now in its seventh installment, the newest Mission Impossible will see Tom Cruise face his most daunting task yet: retrieving a bag of Lay's potato chips from a moderately high shelf.
 
A fascinating new study has yielded astounding results, as data indicates preaching the Gospel with a Scottish accent leads to 300% more people being saved. If the findings are correct, it may decisively prove that the Scottish accent is, in fact, God's preferred conduit for preaching.
A fascinating new study has yielded astounding results, as data indicates preaching the Gospel with a Scottish accent leads to 300% more people being saved. If the findings are correct, it may decisively prove that the Scottish accent is, in fact, God's preferred conduit for preaching.
 
A young Finnish child was suddenly imbued with the incredible powers of advanced age and dementia Thursday after being bitten by a stray American president.
A young Finnish child was suddenly imbued with the incredible powers of advanced age and dementia Thursday after being bitten by a stray American president.
 
In a stunning decision split straight along gender lines, The Supreme Court announced this week that Ross and Rachel were definitely on a break.
In a stunning decision split straight along gender lines, The Supreme Court announced this week that Ross and Rachel were definitely on a break.
 
Casualties continue to mount in the ongoing Ukraine-Russia conflict, causing Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to make the decision to call up 3,000 U.S. military reserve soldiers.
Casualties continue to mount in the ongoing Ukraine-Russia conflict, causing Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to make the decision to call up 3,000 U.S. military reserve soldiers.
 
In response to Twitter now paying large sums of money in ad revenue sharing to content creators, rival social media platform Truth Social has announced that its users will now begin receiving payments in limited edition Donald Trump NFT trading cards.
In response to Twitter now paying large sums of money in ad revenue sharing to content creators, rival social media platform Truth Social has announced that its users will now begin receiving payments in limited edition Donald Trump NFT trading cards.
 
With all of Hollywood striking for better working conditions, some of us are at a loss for what to do with our time now that Netflix, Hulu, and HBO Max won't be releasing a new series every 15 seconds.
With all of Hollywood striking for better working conditions, some of us are at a loss for what to do with our time now that Netflix, Hulu, and HBO Max won't be releasing a new series every 15 seconds.
 
A local man has been rushed to the hospital this morning with life-threatening injuries sustained from sleeping in a slightly different position than he normally does.
A local man has been rushed to the hospital this morning with life-threatening injuries sustained from sleeping in a slightly different position than he normally does.
 
After closing yet another investigation into mysterious situations within the White House, a representative for the United States Secret Service has admitted we may never learn the identity of the person who ate half a box of crayons in the Oval Office.
After closing yet another investigation into mysterious situations within the White House, a representative for the United States Secret Service has admitted we may never learn the identity of the person who ate half a box of crayons in the Oval Office.
 
A local lizard man spoke with reporters to provide a detailed account of a shameful incident of outright harassment he suffered on an airplane while trying to travel from Dallas to Orlando, Florida.
A local lizard man spoke with reporters to provide a detailed account of a shameful incident of outright harassment he suffered on an airplane while trying to travel from Dallas to Orlando, Florida.
 
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