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Babylon Bee's Entries

In the days following Tucker Carlson's unexpected ouster from Fox News, millions of calls were placed by frustrated and confused boomers to younger relatives for directions on how to change the channel.
In the days following Tucker Carlson's unexpected ouster from Fox News, millions of calls were placed by frustrated and confused boomers to younger relatives for directions on how to change the channel.
 
In a move sure to reduce road accidents among black and brown communities, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has announced the immediate closure of the Interstate System for 8-10 days so highways can undergo racial sensitivity training.
In a move sure to reduce road accidents among black and brown communities, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has announced the immediate closure of the Interstate System for 8-10 days so highways can undergo racial sensitivity training.
 
Millions of Americans are in fear this morning after U.S. President Joe Biden announced his reelection campaign with a terrifying threat to the nation, pledging he would "Finish the Job."
Millions of Americans are in fear this morning after U.S. President Joe Biden announced his reelection campaign with a terrifying threat to the nation, pledging he would "Finish the Job."
 
According to sources, local Dad Amos Bennet discovered he suddenly had the ability to read over 1,000 words per minute while reading to his kids at bedtime yesterday evening.
According to sources, local Dad Amos Bennet discovered he suddenly had the ability to read over 1,000 words per minute while reading to his kids at bedtime yesterday evening.
 
In a testy exchange with an interviewer for Meet the Press last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci claimed he never locked down schools and hasn't even heard of COVID.
In a testy exchange with an interviewer for Meet the Press last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci claimed he never locked down schools and hasn't even heard of COVID.
 
Former CNN host Don Lemon has quickly landed on his feet after his sudden firing yesterday, as he will now have the opportunity to continue lecturing the American public from his new position as a barista at his local Starbucks.
Former CNN host Don Lemon has quickly landed on his feet after his sudden firing yesterday, as he will now have the opportunity to continue lecturing the American public from his new position as a barista at his local Starbucks.
 
Authorities have been dispatched to the White House lawn after reports of a creepy old man shouting to people that he thinks of everyone's kids as his own.
Authorities have been dispatched to the White House lawn after reports of a creepy old man shouting to people that he thinks of everyone's kids as his own.
 
Minutes after Biden's administration announced that the mostly dead President would be running again in 2024, Vice President Harris also announced her campaign to definitely become President at some point over the next 4 to 5 years.
Minutes after Biden's administration announced that the mostly dead President would be running again in 2024, Vice President Harris also announced her campaign to definitely become President at some point over the next 4 to 5 years.
 
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg recently purchased female crash test dummies in order to restore gender equity in automobile crash testing and safety.
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg recently purchased female crash test dummies in order to restore gender equity in automobile crash testing and safety.
 
Have you ever wondered what men are actually doing when they "go out with the boys?" This activity has been shrouded in mystery from time immemorial, but today for the first time we will reveal the secret to you.
Have you ever wondered what men are actually doing when they "go out with the boys?" This activity has been shrouded in mystery from time immemorial, but today for the first time we will reveal the secret to you.
 
Legendary Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has officially signed with the New York Jets, confirming his retirement from professional football.
Legendary Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has officially signed with the New York Jets, confirming his retirement from professional football.
 
A local man has developed an ingenious method to avoid messy audits from the Internal Revenue Service by simply labeling all of his Venmo transactions as "payment to Ukraine."
A local man has developed an ingenious method to avoid messy audits from the Internal Revenue Service by simply labeling all of his Venmo transactions as "payment to Ukraine."
 
As part of a plan to broaden its audience, the long-running daytime talk show The View has announced former Fox News host Tucker Carlson will be joining the program's panel. Producers hope Carlson's presence will both draw new viewers and educate current cast members.
As part of a plan to broaden its audience, the long-running daytime talk show The View has announced former Fox News host Tucker Carlson will be joining the program's panel. Producers hope Carlson's presence will both draw new viewers and educate current cast members.
 
Gandalf the White has arrived with haste at the house of Elrond, suddenly referring to himself as Gandalf the Black. According to the iced-out wizard now wearing a black robe, word on the street is that the Elves are paying out $1 million in reparations, and he is here to claim his bag.
Gandalf the White has arrived with haste at the house of Elrond, suddenly referring to himself as Gandalf the Black. According to the iced-out wizard now wearing a black robe, word on the street is that the Elves are paying out $1 million in reparations, and he is here to claim his bag.
 
In a stunning move, media giant CNN has fired anchor Don Lemon. Executives at the network made the decision immediately after coming to the stark realization that Lemon was past his prime.
In a stunning move, media giant CNN has fired anchor Don Lemon. Executives at the network made the decision immediately after coming to the stark realization that Lemon was past his prime.
 
After months of controversy, Fox News has decided to part ways with the only reason anyone watches Fox News.
After months of controversy, Fox News has decided to part ways with the only reason anyone watches Fox News.
 
In order to defeat fascism, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has called for the military to shut down news agencies that say anything unapproved by the government.
In order to defeat fascism, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has called for the military to shut down news agencies that say anything unapproved by the government.
 
Scholars now believe that David's filthy headshot on Goliath was aided by years of practice playing Call Of Duty.
Scholars now believe that David's filthy headshot on Goliath was aided by years of practice playing Call Of Duty.
 
Shortly after the loss of blue Twitter checkmarks, an elderly man named "Joe" was caught impersonating the President of the United States.
Shortly after the loss of blue Twitter checkmarks, an elderly man named "Joe" was caught impersonating the President of the United States.
 
The American Medical Association has officially added "The View" to its pain scale to help patients better understand what is meant by the term "worst pain possible."
The American Medical Association has officially added "The View" to its pain scale to help patients better understand what is meant by the term "worst pain possible."
 
Local wife Katy Benson called her husband Graham this morning to inform him that the minivan had suffered a "rapid unscheduled disassembly."
Local wife Katy Benson called her husband Graham this morning to inform him that the minivan had suffered a "rapid unscheduled disassembly."
 
A pride parade in Florida has been canceled after DeSantis signed a bill that would require everyone marching in the parade to keep their clothes on in front of the small children in attendance.
A pride parade in Florida has been canceled after DeSantis signed a bill that would require everyone marching in the parade to keep their clothes on in front of the small children in attendance.
 
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is calling on the DOT to address a long-standing inequity by using more gay crash test dummies in their automobile crash safety tests.
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is calling on the DOT to address a long-standing inequity by using more gay crash test dummies in their automobile crash safety tests.
 
SpaceX team members were left confused and awkwardly unsure about how to respond when founder Elon Musk emerged from a darkened room on 4/21 with bloodshot eyes and a relaxed smile while asking if anyone had seen his Starship rocket.
SpaceX team members were left confused and awkwardly unsure about how to respond when founder Elon Musk emerged from a darkened room on 4/21 with bloodshot eyes and a relaxed smile while asking if anyone had seen his Starship rocket.
 
As part of an agreement with prosecutors to have the charges against him dropped, actor Alec Baldwin is now reportedly only allowed to hold out his finger as a gun in movies from now on.
As part of an agreement with prosecutors to have the charges against him dropped, actor Alec Baldwin is now reportedly only allowed to hold out his finger as a gun in movies from now on.
 
Still embroiled in controversy regarding his recent statement that pornography isn't that bad if it prevents adultery, conservative pundit Dennis Prager has now clarified that pornography did not in any way contribute to the fact that he has been married three times.
Still embroiled in controversy regarding his recent statement that pornography isn't that bad if it prevents adultery, conservative pundit Dennis Prager has now clarified that pornography did not in any way contribute to the fact that he has been married three times.
 
A historic change is set to take place in the landscape of Major League Baseball, as the Oakland Athletics announced plans to purchase land in Las Vegas, Nevada to build a new stadium and relocate.
A historic change is set to take place in the landscape of Major League Baseball, as the Oakland Athletics announced plans to purchase land in Las Vegas, Nevada to build a new stadium and relocate.
 
Even as controversy continues to arise in the wake of Daily Wire personality Matt Walsh's phone being illegally accessed to hack his Twitter and email accounts, a new report indicates the hack is still ongoing
Even as controversy continues to arise in the wake of Daily Wire personality Matt Walsh's phone being illegally accessed to hack his Twitter and email accounts, a new report indicates the hack is still ongoing
 
On the heels of conservative media pundit Dennis Prager stating his belief that consuming pornography is acceptable if it keeps spouses from engaging in adultery
On the heels of conservative media pundit Dennis Prager stating his belief that consuming pornography is acceptable if it keeps spouses from engaging in adultery
 
Unbelievable! You have to check out this list of 1 MAJOR NEWS SITE that went out of business this week! You have to read it to believe it!
Unbelievable! You have to check out this list of 1 MAJOR NEWS SITE that went out of business this week! You have to read it to believe it!
 
Watchers of the popular daytime talk program The View were treated to more insightful commentary on global issues this week
Watchers of the popular daytime talk program The View were treated to more insightful commentary on global issues this week
 
As a showdown looms over increasing the debt ceiling once again, President Biden warned that partisan bickering over the issue could lead the U.S. to default on its obligations to Ukraine.
As a showdown looms over increasing the debt ceiling once again, President Biden warned that partisan bickering over the issue could lead the U.S. to default on its obligations to Ukraine.
 
A damning leak from the hacked emails of conservative commentator Matt Walsh has revealed that in spite of the question posed by his documentary What Is A Woman?, he has actually known what a woman was this entire time.
A damning leak from the hacked emails of conservative commentator Matt Walsh has revealed that in spite of the question posed by his documentary What Is A Woman?, he has actually known what a woman was this entire time.
 
Yes, Jesus commanded us to "go into all the world and preach the Gospel," but sometimes it's really hard.
Yes, Jesus commanded us to "go into all the world and preach the Gospel," but sometimes it's really hard.
 
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