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Local man Daniel Bridgeman found his mind wandering after his wife's story entered a second overtime and ninth detour. Reports confirm he shifted into a panicked prayer, however, as his wife began winding up and he realized she may end her long story with a question.
Published: Thursday, May 18th, 2023 @ 12:54 am
By: Babylon Bee
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All legislative activity was brought to a screeching halt today as returning Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman unintentionally filibustered the Senate for over seven hours while trying to say "Hello."
Published: Wednesday, May 17th, 2023 @ 7:12 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The creative minds behind the long-running children's television show Sesame Street have partnered with Hasbro to come up with what they believe will be this year's hot new toy: the Transition Me Elmo doll.
Published: Tuesday, May 16th, 2023 @ 10:07 am
By: Babylon Bee
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With inflation remaining stubbornly persistent, the Easter Bunny has been forced to hide ramen noodle packages around people's yards in lieu of his usual eggs.
Published: Tuesday, May 16th, 2023 @ 9:17 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After once clicking on a video about how to buy pants, local man Aiden Forrest has been condemned by social media algorithms to look at nothing but pants content for the rest of his days on this earth.
Published: Tuesday, May 16th, 2023 @ 12:57 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Representative George Santos was taken into custody this morning on federal money laundering, theft, and fraud charges. Americans are still on edge, however, as 534 dangerous felons in Congress still remain at large.
Published: Monday, May 15th, 2023 @ 12:24 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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To help recover losses from rampant, unprosecuted shoplifting in San Francisco, Walgreens is now letting customers round up their orders to help cover what was stolen that week.
Published: Monday, May 15th, 2023 @ 9:30 am
By: Babylon Bee
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As the feud continues between Ron DeSantis and the Disney corporation over what the Florida Governor calls Disney's "grooming" behavior towards young children, Disney was forced to halt all operations
Published: Monday, May 15th, 2023 @ 6:50 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In a stunning result that came much more quickly than observers expected, the 12-member jury in the Fox News-Dominion Software trial has voted in favor of Dominion by a count of 138,000 to 1.
Published: Monday, May 15th, 2023 @ 2:05 am
By: Babylon Bee
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One of the most heated and never-ending debates in America is that of gun control. Opponents of gun control cite the Second Amendment of the Constitution as the final word to end all discussion, whereas proponents of increased gun control scream really loud. It's all so confusing!
Published: Sunday, May 14th, 2023 @ 10:29 am
By: Babylon Bee
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If you're like the rest of us here in the United States, you feel like the last couple of years has put you through the wringer. Let's face it — the Biden presidency hasn't been all it was cracked up to be. Too bad!
Published: Sunday, May 14th, 2023 @ 5:11 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein has announced she will be temporarily stepping away from her seat on the Judiciary Committee to head toward a warm, bright light that seems to be beckoning her.
Published: Sunday, May 14th, 2023 @ 4:07 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Americans are in shock after late-night talk shows were forced to shut down amid a writer's strike, revealing the fact that late-night shows actually had writers.
Published: Sunday, May 14th, 2023 @ 3:46 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Military police have arrested Jack Teixeira for allegedly leaking classified documents that contained information on the war in Ukraine.
Published: Saturday, May 13th, 2023 @ 10:08 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After suffering significant public relations and financial backlash after making trans activist and TikTok personality Dylan Mulvaney a spokesperson, parent company Anheuser-Busch is confident their new Bud Light commercial
Published: Saturday, May 13th, 2023 @ 8:49 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A resident of New York City's financial district spoke to reporters this week to express his consternation about commuters neglecting the city's premiere transportation infrastructure.
Published: Saturday, May 13th, 2023 @ 10:16 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A last-second settlement has been reached in Dominion Voting Systems' historic defamation lawsuit against Fox News, in which the ultra right-wing news channel has agreed to pay the plaintiff 787 million CNN+'s.
Published: Saturday, May 13th, 2023 @ 12:06 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Owners of a local resort were left discouraged after John the Apostle left their establishment a decidedly negative 1-star review following his stay.
Published: Friday, May 12th, 2023 @ 1:37 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After an introduction from Michael Che, trans rights activist Molly Kearney descended from the ceiling for her highly anticipated announcement of being both non-binary and non-funny.
Published: Friday, May 12th, 2023 @ 1:15 am
By: Babylon Bee
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As part of its push for diversity and inclusiveness in recruitment, the United States Navy has announced that it will provide unlimited Bud Light for all new recruits. The Navy hopes this offer will entice recruits with an even broader range of alternative lifestyles to join the serv
Published: Friday, May 12th, 2023 @ 12:40 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A local member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints found himself experiencing an acute trial of faith recently. Following the controversy surrounding Bud Light's support of trans activist Dylan Mulvaney, he wished he drank beer so he could join in the boycott of Bud Light.
Published: Thursday, May 11th, 2023 @ 5:58 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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With Tax Day rapidly approaching, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky issued a helpful reminder to all American taxpayers of the importance of paying their taxes in a timely manner while tearing through the war-torn streets of Kyiv in a brand new Ferrari F430.
Published: Thursday, May 11th, 2023 @ 8:12 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After Walmart announced plans to close 4 store locations in dangerous Chicago neighborhoods, Chicago Mayor-Elect Brandon Johnson issued a dire warning that this will leave many Chicagoans with fewer places to shoplift.
Published: Thursday, May 11th, 2023 @ 12:08 am
By: Babylon Bee
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As beer sales continue to plunge in the wake of Bud Light's partnership with trans activist Dylan Mulvaney, Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth released a statement to entice customers to start buying Bud Light products again.
Published: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023 @ 8:27 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Newlyweds Drew and Jessica Perry have begun searching in earnest across San Francisco for a nice, one-bedroom starter tent to begin married life together.
Published: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023 @ 7:11 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a final attempt to rein in their worship leader, Knoxville's Church on the Rock has instituted a pitch clock for all of the miniature sermons he tries to work in between songs.
Published: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023 @ 6:59 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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According to heavenly sources, Dave Ramsey will now be stationed outside of the pearly gates to judge people based on how well they stuck to their budget.
Published: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023 @ 6:35 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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So there you are, trying to worship peacefully, and then out of nowhere a priest tackles you to the ground and arrests you for radical traditionalism because you spoke in Latin.
Published: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023 @ 1:58 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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District Attorney Alvin Bragg unsealed new charges today, now alleging that former President Donald Trump tossed Baby Penguin off of Cool, Cool Mountain.
Published: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023 @ 7:42 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Peppa Pig's family vacation took an unexpected turn for the worse after Jesus of Nazareth healed a nearby demoniac.
Published: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023 @ 12:14 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Bible scholars now believe the verse in Genesis about people being naked and without shame was a prophecy about Walmart customers.
Published: Monday, May 8th, 2023 @ 4:38 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a horrific tragedy, the Postal Service was unable to deliver an abortion pill in time and now an adorable baby has been born.
Published: Monday, May 8th, 2023 @ 12:18 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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With The Super Mario Bros. Movie making over $377 million globally in its first weekend alone and a projected strong second weekend from positive word-of-mouth, the franchise kickoff is already shaping up into a juggernaut.
Published: Sunday, May 7th, 2023 @ 10:36 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A historic discovery was made today as a brave adventurer uncovered an internet article long thought to be lost forever underneath layers upon layers of pop-up ads, privacy policies, and newsletter sign-up appeals.
Published: Sunday, May 7th, 2023 @ 8:40 am
By: Babylon Bee
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