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Babylon Bee's Entries

Democrats have dedicated themselves to finding a new social media platform that will agree to censor damaging stories coming about how they used other social media platforms to censor damaging stories.
Democrats have dedicated themselves to finding a new social media platform that will agree to censor damaging stories coming about how they used other social media platforms to censor damaging stories.
 
Rookie heavenly angel Raphael unleashed total panic after forgetting to shout "fear not" upon showing himself to a group of Israelites.
Rookie heavenly angel Raphael unleashed total panic after forgetting to shout "fear not" upon showing himself to a group of Israelites.
 
After the men's national team was dealt a crushing 1-3 loss by the Netherlands, the United States expressed deep relief to no longer have to go on pretending to like soccer.
After the men's national team was dealt a crushing 1-3 loss by the Netherlands, the United States expressed deep relief to no longer have to go on pretending to like soccer.
 
Representative Ilhan Omar arrived at the Capitol today proudly decked out head-to-toe in brand new "Yeezy" gear.
Representative Ilhan Omar arrived at the Capitol today proudly decked out head-to-toe in brand new "Yeezy" gear.
 
Local man Garrett Benton has officially spent half of his annual salary paying other people to do the manly things he wishes he could do himself.
Local man Garrett Benton has officially spent half of his annual salary paying other people to do the manly things he wishes he could do himself.
 
It's important for Christians to live a life of charity, but it's, like, really hard. Wouldn't it be great if you could support the poor without putting any effort or self-sacrifice into it? Now there are ten ways!
It's important for Christians to live a life of charity, but it's, like, really hard. Wouldn't it be great if you could support the poor without putting any effort or self-sacrifice into it? Now there are ten ways!
 
The world waited eagerly for further information on the Hunter Biden laptop story suppression from Twitter owner Elon Musk, who had vowed to reveal the details of potential government collusion with the media
The world waited eagerly for further information on the Hunter Biden laptop story suppression from Twitter owner Elon Musk, who had vowed to reveal the details of potential government collusion with the media
 
Following several years of diligent highlighting during his daily devotions, a local man has soaked every single word in his Bible with layers of neon highlighter and underlining, and now has no idea which Scriptures are inspired and which are optional.
Following several years of diligent highlighting during his daily devotions, a local man has soaked every single word in his Bible with layers of neon highlighter and underlining, and now has no idea which Scriptures are inspired and which are optional.
 
Baal, the ancient Mesopotamian deity described in scripture and demonological textbooks such as Pseudomonarchia Daemonum has distanced itself from Balenciaga after the company's recent scandal.
Baal, the ancient Mesopotamian deity described in scripture and demonological textbooks such as Pseudomonarchia Daemonum has distanced itself from Balenciaga after the company's recent scandal.
 
QATAR — Todd Ballings, a FIFA referee representing U.S. rule keepers in the 2022 World Cup, is reported to have quietly pulled aside an assistant referee to see if they thought it was too late to admit he doesn't know what offsides is.
QATAR — Todd Ballings, a FIFA referee representing U.S. rule keepers in the 2022 World Cup, is reported to have quietly pulled aside an assistant referee to see if they thought it was too late to admit he doesn't know what offsides is.
 
Local man Alex Harmon tragically passed away this afternoon after reading a tweet that he didn't really agree with.
Local man Alex Harmon tragically passed away this afternoon after reading a tweet that he didn't really agree with.
 
In a move that seems destined to produce both increased interest and controversy, coffee giant Starbucks has announced the start of a new promotion in which customers will receive a free shot of espresso if they are able to correctly guess their barista's gender when ordering
In a move that seems destined to produce both increased interest and controversy, coffee giant Starbucks has announced the start of a new promotion in which customers will receive a free shot of espresso if they are able to correctly guess their barista's gender when ordering
 
As distrust in experts reaches record highs across the country, many experts are issuing a dire warning that if you stop listening to them it will make them feel sad.
As distrust in experts reaches record highs across the country, many experts are issuing a dire warning that if you stop listening to them it will make them feel sad.
 
Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker has turned away from his path to the Dark Side after stumbling across Jordan Peterson videos on Youtube and picking up a 12 Rules For Life hologram.
Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker has turned away from his path to the Dark Side after stumbling across Jordan Peterson videos on Youtube and picking up a 12 Rules For Life hologram.
 
It seems like no matter where you look these days, there's some godless communist trying to groom your kids! Don't let it happen!
It seems like no matter where you look these days, there's some godless communist trying to groom your kids! Don't let it happen!
 
The Kennel Club‘s annual dog show competition was taken by storm this year by first-ever trans furry competitor Blake Ruff.
The Kennel Club‘s annual dog show competition was taken by storm this year by first-ever trans furry competitor Blake Ruff.
 
QATAR – Former president Barack Obama was among the millions of Americans who enjoyed watching the United States' thrilling 1-0 victory over Iran in the World Cup.
QATAR – Former president Barack Obama was among the millions of Americans who enjoyed watching the United States' thrilling 1-0 victory over Iran in the World Cup.
 
In a stunning announcement, Disney has revealed "The Chosen" will be incorporated into the Marvel Multiverse following a cameo appearance by Deadpool in the show's upcoming third season.
In a stunning announcement, Disney has revealed "The Chosen" will be incorporated into the Marvel Multiverse following a cameo appearance by Deadpool in the show's upcoming third season.
 
As part of a new pledge to "quiet down" the company's aggressive push for progressive themes in its content, returning Disney CEO Bob Iger has revealed the entertainment giant will cut back to including only seven LGTB characters in each children's movie.
As part of a new pledge to "quiet down" the company's aggressive push for progressive themes in its content, returning Disney CEO Bob Iger has revealed the entertainment giant will cut back to including only seven LGTB characters in each children's movie.
 
Amid a storm of controversy over recent antisemitic comments and remarks praising Hitler, Ye West has announced the release of his brand-new album My Struggle.
Amid a storm of controversy over recent antisemitic comments and remarks praising Hitler, Ye West has announced the release of his brand-new album My Struggle.
 
Over the past few weeks, Ben Shapiro has created video responses to Kanye "Ye" West's anti-semitic statements, causing West to direct tweets at the conservative commentator.
Over the past few weeks, Ben Shapiro has created video responses to Kanye "Ye" West's anti-semitic statements, causing West to direct tweets at the conservative commentator.
 
Chad Pullman, 39, slipped into a deep depression Monday after finishing off the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers. Doctors say he has been unable to leave his bedroom for two days.
Chad Pullman, 39, slipped into a deep depression Monday after finishing off the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers. Doctors say he has been unable to leave his bedroom for two days.
 
Social media gets a bad rap these days, but did you know there are tremendous health benefits to scrolling endlessly on social media and interacting with hostile strangers for hours on end?
Social media gets a bad rap these days, but did you know there are tremendous health benefits to scrolling endlessly on social media and interacting with hostile strangers for hours on end?
 
A spokesman for Santa's Workshop today announced the organization's latest advance in their ongoing efforts to determine who's naughty and who's nice
A spokesman for Santa's Workshop today announced the organization's latest advance in their ongoing efforts to determine who's naughty and who's nice
 
Apple CEO Tim Cook confirmed this morning that he's prepared to remove the Twitter app from the App Store but that he's waiting for orders from CCP President Xi before he makes a move.
Apple CEO Tim Cook confirmed this morning that he's prepared to remove the Twitter app from the App Store but that he's waiting for orders from CCP President Xi before he makes a move.
 
Balenciaga is facing a wave of online criticism after a MyPillow pillow was spotted in the background of one of the company's photo shoots for its winter collection. The CEO of MyPillow Mike Lindell is known for his strong support of Donald Trump.
Balenciaga is facing a wave of online criticism after a MyPillow pillow was spotted in the background of one of the company's photo shoots for its winter collection. The CEO of MyPillow Mike Lindell is known for his strong support of Donald Trump.
 
According to sources, thousands of right-wing, anti-science extremists have converged in Shanghai to protest Chinese President Xi's common sense COVID restrictions.
According to sources, thousands of right-wing, anti-science extremists have converged in Shanghai to protest Chinese President Xi's common sense COVID restrictions.
 
Congress is set to come together and vote on the Respect For Giant Golden Statue Of Nebuchadnezzar Act, or the RFGGSON Act for short.
Congress is set to come together and vote on the Respect For Giant Golden Statue Of Nebuchadnezzar Act, or the RFGGSON Act for short.
 
What a year 2022 has been! We have so much to be thankful for at the Bee. The world may be a roiling cauldron of hellish insanity sliding into oblivion, but it's a funny roiling cauldron of hellish insanity sliding into oblivion!
What a year 2022 has been! We have so much to be thankful for at the Bee. The world may be a roiling cauldron of hellish insanity sliding into oblivion, but it's a funny roiling cauldron of hellish insanity sliding into oblivion!
 
In a powerful statement on women's reproductive rights, a local family has added a Planned Parenthood location to their elaborate Christmas village display.
In a powerful statement on women's reproductive rights, a local family has added a Planned Parenthood location to their elaborate Christmas village display.
 
A local man is celebrating after his bathroom scale confirmed he had met his ambitious fitness goal of gaining only 9 pounds over the Thanksgiving weekend.
A local man is celebrating after his bathroom scale confirmed he had met his ambitious fitness goal of gaining only 9 pounds over the Thanksgiving weekend.
 
Davis Patterson, a bystander during a shooting that left a dozen dead, has been arrested for misgendering the shooter, Blake Jacobson, who is non-binary.
Davis Patterson, a bystander during a shooting that left a dozen dead, has been arrested for misgendering the shooter, Blake Jacobson, who is non-binary.
 
Wondering why people actually still vote for Democrats? Believe it or not, there are still Democrat voters out there and we've compiled their top reasons for doing so!
Wondering why people actually still vote for Democrats? Believe it or not, there are still Democrat voters out there and we've compiled their top reasons for doing so!
 
Everyone agrees soccer is boring and America needs to fix it, but how? Here are ten simple ways to make soccer interesting, since the rest of the planet apparently remains intent on making us watch it every four years.
Everyone agrees soccer is boring and America needs to fix it, but how? Here are ten simple ways to make soccer interesting, since the rest of the planet apparently remains intent on making us watch it every four years.
 
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