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Babylon Bee's Entries

Democrats in D.C. have lashed out at Justice Clarence Thomas following his vote to overturn Roe v. Wade, arguing that he should only get 3/5 of a vote in the Supreme Court.
Democrats in D.C. have lashed out at Justice Clarence Thomas following his vote to overturn Roe v. Wade, arguing that he should only get 3/5 of a vote in the Supreme Court.
 
Following the U.S. Supreme Court's 6-3 ruling overturning the constitutionality of Roe v. Wade, columnist David French was seen trying to sit at the cool lunch table filled with Trump voters.
Following the U.S. Supreme Court's 6-3 ruling overturning the constitutionality of Roe v. Wade, columnist David French was seen trying to sit at the cool lunch table filled with Trump voters.
 
As Planned Parenthood locations shut down across America in the wake of Roe being overturned, "I Did That!" stickers featuring President Trump have appeared on each shuttered clinic.
As Planned Parenthood locations shut down across America in the wake of Roe being overturned, "I Did That!" stickers featuring President Trump have appeared on each shuttered clinic.
 
According to sources in the D.C. area, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh decided to "go ahead and get it over with" and burn his own home down before tonight's protests break out.
According to sources in the D.C. area, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh decided to "go ahead and get it over with" and burn his own home down before tonight's protests break out.
 
Aides are fearful President Biden may have suffered a severe concussion from his bike wreck this morning, as he has suddenly begun speaking coherently.
Aides are fearful President Biden may have suffered a severe concussion from his bike wreck this morning, as he has suddenly begun speaking coherently.
 
Homeland Security has raised the level of its National Protest Advisory System (NPAS) from "Mostly Peaceful" to "Somewhat Peaceful" in response to swelling crowds outside the Supreme Court Building.
Homeland Security has raised the level of its National Protest Advisory System (NPAS) from "Mostly Peaceful" to "Somewhat Peaceful" in response to swelling crowds outside the Supreme Court Building.
 
The Empire recently passed a series of red flag laws designed to help identify individuals who might be a danger to themselves and others. The laws passed the Galactic Senate unanimously with one vote from the Emperor, since he is the Senate.
The Empire recently passed a series of red flag laws designed to help identify individuals who might be a danger to themselves and others. The laws passed the Galactic Senate unanimously with one vote from the Emperor, since he is the Senate.
 
This week, fraternity member Bill Williamson died from alcohol poisoning during a drinking game. The rules of the game were simple: take a shot of whiskey every time the phrase "January 6" is uttered on CNN.
This week, fraternity member Bill Williamson died from alcohol poisoning during a drinking game. The rules of the game were simple: take a shot of whiskey every time the phrase "January 6" is uttered on CNN.
 
Amazon has given fans a first look at the Orc character design in the studio's upcoming Rings of Power show, and it looks like MAGA hats are back on the menu.
Amazon has given fans a first look at the Orc character design in the studio's upcoming Rings of Power show, and it looks like MAGA hats are back on the menu.
 
Justice Clarence Thomas has been rushed to a burn ward in Washington after he scorched his hands writing another "absolutely fire" Supreme Court opinion this morning
Justice Clarence Thomas has been rushed to a burn ward in Washington after he scorched his hands writing another "absolutely fire" Supreme Court opinion this morning
 
Joe Biden is president. It's time to accept it. But this isn't the case in every reality. We sent one of our Babylon Bee investigative reporters across the multiverse, and he came back with great news from one universe where Trump got reelected.
Joe Biden is president. It's time to accept it. But this isn't the case in every reality. We sent one of our Babylon Bee investigative reporters across the multiverse, and he came back with great news from one universe where Trump got reelected.
 
After making it to the 198th trimester, Roe V. Wade has been aborted. Conceived all the way back on January 22, 1973, Roe V. Wade has been struck down after a decision was passed down today by the Supreme Court.
After making it to the 198th trimester, Roe V. Wade has been aborted. Conceived all the way back on January 22, 1973, Roe V. Wade has been struck down after a decision was passed down today by the Supreme Court.
 
Democrats have temporarily pushed pause on the January 6th hearings in order to lead an insurrection against the federal government.
Democrats have temporarily pushed pause on the January 6th hearings in order to lead an insurrection against the federal government.
 
President Biden has asked Congress to implement a federal gas tax holiday to help Americans deal with rising gas prices. If implemented, Americans can look forward to saving 18.4 cents a gallon on gas. We'll all be rich!
President Biden has asked Congress to implement a federal gas tax holiday to help Americans deal with rising gas prices. If implemented, Americans can look forward to saving 18.4 cents a gallon on gas. We'll all be rich!
 
This week, local man Joseph Briones gave a rousing speech to his family about his role as king of his home. During his monologue, Briones cast a compelling vision of male leadership, all from under 25 floral pillows on the couch.
This week, local man Joseph Briones gave a rousing speech to his family about his role as king of his home. During his monologue, Briones cast a compelling vision of male leadership, all from under 25 floral pillows on the couch.
 
According to inside sources, the Capitol Gift Shop has been inundated with tourists looking for Jan 6 hearing souvenirs leading one irritated employee to tack up a large sign at the entrance to the store reading “NO WE DO NOT SELL BUFFALO HAT SOUVENIRS”.
According to inside sources, the Capitol Gift Shop has been inundated with tourists looking for Jan 6 hearing souvenirs leading one irritated employee to tack up a large sign at the entrance to the store reading “NO WE DO NOT SELL BUFFALO HAT SOUVENIRS”.
 
Following the overturning of Roe v. Wade, Democrats nationwide have been accusing the Supreme Court of taking rights from "women." Onlookers have confirmed this to be confusing, as it seems to suggest that Democrats do in fact know what a woman is.
Following the overturning of Roe v. Wade, Democrats nationwide have been accusing the Supreme Court of taking rights from "women." Onlookers have confirmed this to be confusing, as it seems to suggest that Democrats do in fact know what a woman is.
 
According to a recently uncovered ancient diary, Biblical scholars now believe that we may now know the words Moses spoke after leading the Israelites out of Egypt and fleeing Ramses with his army.
According to a recently uncovered ancient diary, Biblical scholars now believe that we may now know the words Moses spoke after leading the Israelites out of Egypt and fleeing Ramses with his army.
 
Amid rumors that Pope Francis will soon abdicate the See of Peter, the Sacred College of Cardinals has pledged to choose a woman of color as the next pope.
Amid rumors that Pope Francis will soon abdicate the See of Peter, the Sacred College of Cardinals has pledged to choose a woman of color as the next pope.
 
As ratings continue to fizzle for the January 6th hearings, Democrats are trying a new format to bring the committee's scandalous findings to a wider audience.
As ratings continue to fizzle for the January 6th hearings, Democrats are trying a new format to bring the committee's scandalous findings to a wider audience.
 
With Lightyear and its cartoon lesbian romance flopping at the box office, sources say Disney has decided to quietly pull the plug on its upcoming movie Brokeback Woody.
With Lightyear and its cartoon lesbian romance flopping at the box office, sources say Disney has decided to quietly pull the plug on its upcoming movie Brokeback Woody.
 
Bernie Sanders famously said that "real" socialism has never been tried. Frankly, we're shocked he would ever suggest such a thing because there are numerous examples of real socialist utopias that we have to pull from.
Bernie Sanders famously said that "real" socialism has never been tried. Frankly, we're shocked he would ever suggest such a thing because there are numerous examples of real socialist utopias that we have to pull from.
 
Reminder for all you Christians who started a one-year Bible reading plan in January: it might be time to start that thing. The good news is that if you read half of the entire Bible today, you'll be completely caught up!
Reminder for all you Christians who started a one-year Bible reading plan in January: it might be time to start that thing. The good news is that if you read half of the entire Bible today, you'll be completely caught up!
 
Despite working from home, local man Jarron Bullenix learned today that his lifestyle is anything but sedentary when he rose for his second cupboard visit before noon, causing his Apple Watch to congratulate him for hitting his daily “Stand” goal.
Despite working from home, local man Jarron Bullenix learned today that his lifestyle is anything but sedentary when he rose for his second cupboard visit before noon, causing his Apple Watch to congratulate him for hitting his daily “Stand” goal.
 
According to sources, Biden was seen outside a gas station this afternoon yelling at the big price sign to lower its prices.
According to sources, Biden was seen outside a gas station this afternoon yelling at the big price sign to lower its prices.
 
President Zelensky has reportedly contacted the White House to arrange the return of Ben Stiller who was sent to Ukraine by mistake. According to sources, he had requested Will Ferrell via mail-order from America's stock of pandering celebrities.
President Zelensky has reportedly contacted the White House to arrange the return of Ben Stiller who was sent to Ukraine by mistake. According to sources, he had requested Will Ferrell via mail-order from America's stock of pandering celebrities.
 
Within hours of Congress passing a new "red flag" law, local resident Winnie the Pooh has had all his firearms confiscated by authorities.
Within hours of Congress passing a new "red flag" law, local resident Winnie the Pooh has had all his firearms confiscated by authorities.
 
In a statement given this week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she feels for Americans struggling with prices at the pump and offered a suggestion for how to cope by becoming a millionaire through insider trading.
In a statement given this week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she feels for Americans struggling with prices at the pump and offered a suggestion for how to cope by becoming a millionaire through insider trading.
 
With over 30 million "#1 Dad" mugs given out this Father's Day, all dads who received this mug have been ordered to face off in a giant deathmatch to determine who the true "#1 Dad" is.
With over 30 million "#1 Dad" mugs given out this Father's Day, all dads who received this mug have been ordered to face off in a giant deathmatch to determine who the true "#1 Dad" is.
 
According to sources, local man Marley Maddingly is on his 8th COVID booster, but he's still chasing that high he felt when he got that first Pfizer shot to protect himself and others while showing the world he was a good person.
According to sources, local man Marley Maddingly is on his 8th COVID booster, but he's still chasing that high he felt when he got that first Pfizer shot to protect himself and others while showing the world he was a good person.
 
No longer able to keep up with the endlessly fluid definition of the word "woman," Merriam Webster has elected to replace the traditional definition of "adult female person" with a more open-ended "shrug" emoji.
No longer able to keep up with the endlessly fluid definition of the word "woman," Merriam Webster has elected to replace the traditional definition of "adult female person" with a more open-ended "shrug" emoji.
 
Biblical scholar Dr. Edward Gaddville has put forward an exciting new theory that Jesus slept through a storm while on a fishing boat with His disciples because He was using a MyPillow
Biblical scholar Dr. Edward Gaddville has put forward an exciting new theory that Jesus slept through a storm while on a fishing boat with His disciples because He was using a MyPillow
 
The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) has been updated to feature a section that quizzes test takers on their teacher's sexuality.
The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) has been updated to feature a section that quizzes test takers on their teacher's sexuality.
 
This week, longtime evangelist Nate Groze found himself grappling with his Christian beliefs during an online debate.
This week, longtime evangelist Nate Groze found himself grappling with his Christian beliefs during an online debate.
 
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