SATs Will Now Have Section Quizzing You On Your Teacher's Sexuality | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    U.S.     The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) has been updated to feature a section that quizzes test takers on their teacher's sexuality. The questions are part of a new Diversity category that complements the existing Reading, Writing & Language, and Math categories.

    The College Board, which develops and administers the SAT, reportedly updated the test because of the changing needs of college admissions programs.

    "Higher learning has changed," said the head of the College Board, Baron Malice. "A majority of the teachers are queer. Above proficiency in math, reading, or science, we must have students who proudly affirm the lifestyles of anyone in the LGBTQ+ community. This is what colleges are really looking for now. If you don't remember your 1st-grade teacher's pronouns, you have no place in higher education."

    According to the College Board, math and language skills are still an important element of the test, but now only account for ten percent of the total grade. Most important is a student's knowledge of their teacher's deeply personal sexual behavior and whether or not they are white.

    Education Secretary Miguel Cardona has supported the test's updates but claimed the changes don't go far enough.

    "Until colleges are requiring all their students to themselves be gay as a condition of enrollment, we have a lot of work to do," he said.