Authorities Warn Tonight's Protests May Escalate From 'Mostly Peaceful' To 'Somewhat Peaceful' | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    WASHINGTON, D.C.     Homeland Security has raised the level of its National Protest Advisory System (NPAS) from "Mostly Peaceful" to "Somewhat Peaceful" in response to swelling crowds outside the Supreme Court Building.

    D.C. Police are on full alert with riot gear to hold back the somewhat peaceful protesters to prevent them from entering the Supreme Court Building with somewhat peaceful intent. The building itself is surrounded by oppressive barricades and the justices have reportedly been issued whistles to report somewhat peaceful touching on their person in the event of a somewhat peacefully bludgeoning.

    "We advise everyone to stay away from the somewhat peaceful protests currently going on outside the Supreme Court Building," said D.C. Police Chief Frank Turtletaub. "The peaceful fire burns mightily. Several individuals are already somewhat incapacitated."

    House Speaker Nancy Pelosi spoke in an effort to quell the protest's fervor when she said, "[...] the radical supreme court is eviscerating America's rights and endangering its health and safety [...] the harm is endless."

    "It's a slap in the face to women," she added.

    Curiously, her statements have been unable to prevent somewhat peaceful property damage.

    At publishing time, the NPAS alert level was upgraded again from "somewhat peaceful" to "kind of peaceful." The mayor is currently considering evacuation orders.